Happy Birthday!

Not just happy birthday to America, but happy birthday to McKenna. She is officially three years old as of 11:41 PM on July 3rd. The past three years have been difficult, painful, and truly a learning experience, but if changing any of it means changing McKenna, I would not change a second!! She is pure joy and worth every moment that Aaron has put us through.

Little one, you have been hope, love and joy this past three years just as your sister has all her life!

Lessons This Woman Did Not Want to Learn.

I was sent this in an email from a woman I love and respect very much but oddly enough have never met face to face. We know each other very well, support each other unconditionally and are family although the only blood connection we have is McKenna. She is the sister of Aaron's mother who passed away when Aaron was McKenna's age now. She had become my friend, my Aunt Connie. I like the words that she sent, believe them for myself but do not believe men do.

"A Woman"

This is written in the Hebrew Talmud,

the book where all of the sayings and preachings

of Rabbis are conserved over time.

It says:

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry,

because God counts her tears.

The woman came out of a man's rib,

not from his feet to be walked on,

not from his head to be superior,

but from the side to be equal.

Under the arm to be protected

and next to the heart to be loved."

Pass this on to all theexceptional women in your life ...

and to the men as well so they know the value of a woman.

What startled me was my response to her.

I have seen the words before and they are beautiful. Unfortunately I have learned from the teacher called experience, that men do not feel this way. Not men about women, husbands about wives or fathers about daughters ... society has created a gender that does not take responsibility and made it easy to abandon. Please forgive me for the negetivity and over generalizing but between my dad, Steven and how he treats his mom, me, Alyssa, Aaron and his disappearing act not only with me but Alyssa, McKenna, Katie and Chris - as any kind of real father, a friend of mine that I really cared about who did the Mr. Magician act, and my brothers, David well, you know that story and Matt who lives in the same town as me but I have never seen their house, know I can not call on him if I needed help, etc ... In earthly men it does not exsist.

I ask myself, what am I looking for? What am I expecting? Well, I didn't expect them to just quit. I do not expect to be taken care of, I do not know. I supposed each of them taught me a hard lesson I do not like that I have learned. What to glean out of it? What to do next is generally my take on lessons learned. These I just do not understand at all and am lost on what to learn and what to do next.

McKenna Magic

You have read before where I can only describe this child as joy, pure joy. She tickles me and I so like being with her and seeing her do things. From sun up to Night Night she is just magic. This morning whe woke up beside me, rolled over, looked at me and said, "Morring Mommy. I lud you" We got up, had some cereal together and talked at the kitchen table, dressed and went over to my mom's to check on her and if she needed anything. McKenna walks in, says to Grandma, "Your booboo hurt?" Grandma says, "a little". "No worry, it be all better gammaw" I left her with my mom for an hour to go to the gym and she told me she would take care of Gammaw, "we be fine". As I left she stood at the door blowing kisses and waving.

I cam back and got cleaned up and we went to a birthday party of a friend of mine's 5 year old. It was at the bowling alley. McKenna bowled and at the end of the 7th frame she was ahead of everyone. She had 89 points! Her first bowl was a strike! And she got two spares too. It just tickled me how after the first time she bowled, she knew just what too do each time after. Mommy got the ball and she walked out, got the metal ramp, slid it to the line, took the ball from me and pushed it down the ramp. Being the littlest bowler, they did not have shoes for her but that did not stop her. And when she noticed her little friend, Lindsey (a little sister of a party goer, in McKenna's day care and LD) she noticed Lindsey was not getting a turn (she was not bowling) McKenna wanted Lindsey to take her turn, set it all up for her, Lindsey pushed the ball and McKennas jumped up and down, clapped and said, "Yea Lindy, Good job!"

We went shopping after that. Just browsing. She likes to hide in the clothes racks. But if I say, "McKenna, I need to see you" she pops right out with a "I right here, Mommy" with a big smile! We came home for a nap. As she layed down, she said, "Go Sissy after nap, Mommy?" I told her yes we would go get Sissy after our nap. She hugged me asked to snuggle and said, "I lub you, Mommy"

I love you too baby!!!

Validation

I remember at time when Steven and I were in counseling, creating a parenting agreement during our separation. He did not like some of the things the mediator was saying and stormed out with a few choice words directed at me. I sat there I suppose with a pretty shell shocked look on my face. I think I had that look a lot that year+. But it also was a time of great validation for me too. The mediator/therapist leaned over, gently touched my hand and said, "Your not crazy". Finally! Someone else was seeing it too! For a while there I had blamed myself so much, that it had to be me. And nowI find myself in that same position, questioning, is it me? It can't be them, too much of a coincidence or something, it has to be me. Or is it that I make that many bad decisions and get involved with crazy people. I think I am the only one that is taking responsibility for my actions and words so it must be me. But if it is me, then why is that what they are continuing to do seems so wrong and hurts people?

OK, to explain now what happened. I got a call Monday night at 9 something PM. I was in the movie theater (yes, it was on silent mode). It was Aaron's exwife. She identified herself and I told her I was in the middle of a movie could I call her back. She snapped at me that she needed my brother's phone number. Well, I do not just give out people's phone numbers without checking with them first. So I did, I checked with him. He did not want to call her but told me I could give her his number. Ok, done, will do that when the movie is over so I am not talking in the theater. Well, she is insistent. She calls again. I do not answer. As I leave the theater, I check the message. "Beth, I would not be calling you if this were not important! I need David's number, please call me back immediately". OK, what now? I call her. She immediately starts in on how this is important and she needs his number. I ask what is going on. She says she is not at liberty to say right now. Well, I guess I am not at liberty to give out numbers. She tells me I will find out when I check my email. OK, "why don't you just tell me now so I do not have to take the time to check my email. " "I don't have time for this, Beth, give me the number!" I again asked about the email. It seems we got and email from Aaron. He was upset about his lack of finances and what he has to pay to support the kids. She calls him. He is crying and very depressed. She did not say it but I can only guess she was figuring he was suicidal and she felt it was her duty to get him in touch with his best friend. I told her that David was with family at the moment and I would call him and relay the message. "Just give me the number Beth!" Sue is a drama queen and likes to be the center of attention and the hero so to speak and I told her so. "Oh, now we see your true colors, this is not about being a f*$&!^g hero and has nothing to do with me!" she yells. I said, "Sue everything you do has to do with you, you love being the center of attention no matter who you hurt" "What does that mean? How do I do this?" I told her she did this by using the children as a weapon against Aaron, Me even her own sister. Of course then she wanted to know and when did I hear this directly from her sister? I said, "Sue, I thought you did not have time for this". I told her I would call my brother. She said, "Beth, Aaron is not going to talk to you" Why? ... oh this really got me .... she said he would not talk to me because, "You and I are the ones who have caused this problem for him." How? .... I did not think it would get worse .... "cause you and I are the ones asking for more and more money from him" OH! I LOST IT! I have held my tongue for 5 years but being told by her that I was the problem and trying to get more money from him was the last straw for me!!! This camel broke!!! I told her, "Don't ever compare me to you! I have never asked him for anything. I do not get childsupport. She is the self absorbed, self centered one who uses her kids to hurt others, (yes like a weapon she uses them), I let her know that I get NO child support, Aaron pays McKenna's day care ONLY. I have not gone to CSE to file for anything, I HAVE given him money and helped him out of having to pay taxes! I work for a living and take care of my responsibilities while she sits on her a$$ at home and lives off of Michael and I felt sorry for Michael! That I would call MY BROTHER and have hime get in touch with MY HUSBAND, yes contrary to what you think Aaron and I are still married and that she should NEVER ever compare me to her!" and I hung up. My friend Beth who I went to the movies with was applauding and saying good for you! She is glad I finally got mad and stopped taking it from these people. I guess it did not add to Sue's favor that I had just had to deal with Steven and he was a prince (toad to put it nicely) and that Katie and Chris were begging me to come get them so they could come to McKenna's birthday (Sue won't bring them even half way, we have been through that and Aaron may not have the gas money to come) AND I got an email supposedly written by Katie earlier that day asking for me or someone in my family to come get them for the birthday, that her mom would gladly give up her weekend for me to see them.

Well, I did call David. He did try to get Aaron last night and in the morning again. He called me earlier today and said that he left a message that if he did not hear from him in 30 minutes he was heading to Rocky Mt. Well about an hour later, David called me back. He had talked to him and Aaron just wanted to be left alone. So, I called Sue to let her know we had heard from him, he was alright and wanted to be left alone and asked that she not call him and I hung up. I got the following email after my phone call to her.

Beth,
I appreciate your call telling me that Aaron was okay. However, after the horrendous way you spoke to me last night, I no longer wish to have any contact with you what so ever. Your instability came across loud and clear and I do not want nor do I need to deal with that from you.
I did talk to David last night and he had no problem giving me his numbers. I will go through him from now on.
And as far as having the Children, (which I have been told by many that you said you “hated them” at one time) unless Aaron is there, it will not happen. I no longer trust or respect you. And I do not think it would be wise to have Aarons and my children around such unpredictability. You may call that “using the children as a weapon”, I call it protection.
There is so much more I would like to say, but I am not going to stoop to your level.

Susan

P.S.
no need to reply, you are on my blocked senders list.

And it is me who is crazy and unstable?

From Feet to Fingers and in Between!

I am the middle generation. They call it the sandwich generation. Those people that are parents to their kids and also helping out and taking care of their parents. I really do not "take care" of my mom. Actually she still takes care of me sometimes and I am grateful. So when she needs something I am always more than willing to help. She had to go in for surgery on her feet today. First thing I said to her this morning when I went to pick her up and take her in was of course, "You ready?" and she answered that she really did not want to do this. So I had to ask if she HAD to and she said her doctor told her that it couldn't be any worse that what she was dealing with now. "Well does it hurt all the time?" "No, but I can not walk for more than 30 minutes without it hurting and I should walk 30 minutes everyday for my health." She we went, checked her in, took my information of how to get hold of me and when to be back etc. I took her purse and glasses and they asked her if she had any jewelry. She said no. There was a very well dressed, attractive, staunch looking, older woman standing at the counter by us as we were having this conversation so I just had to ask one last question, "Did you take you belly button ring out Mom?" My mom, the nurse and even the staunch attractive well dressed woman laughed. A little humor never hurt anyone. I am such a good daughter.

Alyssa came back from Ridgecrest yesterday. She not only seemed to have a good time but she was inspired! She called me Tuesday night and told me about a rind in their student store that she bought. It was a silver purity ring. It says True Love Waits and she asked me if it was ok that she got it and if she wore it on her left ring finger until she got and engagement ring. When she got home, she told me that she considered taking the ring back. She did not want people to see it and think it was a cute fad but that it had meaning. But she also did not want people to make it into weirdo thing. The next morning, their morning message was about Sex and how God felt about it. She said it was the best sex talk she had ever had. (that comment caught me off guard considering she started our conversations with that she "had had the best sex talk she had ever had at camp") Anyway, I asked her since she was questioning her purchase, did she get her answer? Yes, she is wearing the ring and it has even more meaning to her than when she bought it. God answered he question.

And as for little McKenna. We are doing great with the potty training. She wears a diaper at night but really does not need it. It has been dry every morning. She is taking the initiative to go by herself and wants to go on the big potty. This has been really pretty easy.

I am really proud of both my girls! Praise God for the gifts I have been given!


OK, what is going on with the pictures? I upload them and they are just not there? ARGH!

Wear Your Hope Helmet

Sundays are always good days for me. I really look forward to going to church. It is the one place in a long long time that I have felt safe and accepted for who I really am. I don't have to be the bubbly happy person, the dutiful daughter, the flexible, optimistic coworker and the list goes on. Oh, do not get me wrong, I am those things. I have been those things for so long it is what defines me, I suppose but sitting at church I get an unexplainable feeling of being free, accepted, safe simply for being me. There are sometimes I do not want to leave and head back to real life just let me stay there where the music lifts me up, the love is inspiring and the word is guidance for when I do have to leave. I spent most of the morning there today. When to the 8:20 service. Then during the 9:40 service I sat in and watched the video by Dr. D. James Kennedy, The DaVinci Code Delusion. It was very interesting just as the FICTION novel by Dan Brown is. And then during the 11:10 service I went to the Crown Financial class like I have been for several weeks. I have been working on healing me and getting me back in order as life goes on that the next thing I need to figure out is how to get the financial life healing. It is hard to do this when half of the house hold income decides to walk out. He is finding himself in a financial pickle too!!

Making the decision to not do this alone more than a year ago was a good one. If people only knew and remembered that they are not alone even when they feel isolated and completely devalued. We are not, we are worthy of an awesome gift we have all been give. If we choose to accept it. I remember that each time I walk into our church. It is hope, love and faith. Wrap your heart in love and faith, but wear hope like a helmet. A helmet of hope that protects you from the delusions that we are told. Delusions that are perceived as fact but are nothing but exaggerations, opinions or misinterpretations of our lives and told to us by people we think are more than we are so it become believable.

I love the music at our church. There are so many songs that touch my heart and speak to me. We sang this one this morning as we have on Sundays past, but I rarely get through it without tears of hope, love, faith and great appreciation of the blessings that are mine from my friends that have been there for me and the friend I have named Jesus.

You don't have to worry
And don't you be afraid
Joy comes in the morning
Troubles they don't last always
For there's a friend in Jesus
Who will wipe your tears away
And if your heart is broken
Just lift your hands and say

Oh I know that I can make it
I know that I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands
With Jesus I can take it
With Him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands

So when your tests and trials
They seem to get you down
And all your friends and loved ones
Are nowhere to be found
Remember there's a friend in Jesus
Who will wipe your tears away
And if you heart is broken
Just lift your hands and say

Oh I know that I can make it
I know that I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands
With Jesus I can take it
With Him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands

Kirk Franklin

Life Goes On

And life goes on ... my girls continue to grow and pas miles stones in their lives. Alyssa graduated from the 8th grade today. Her grandmother and I were there. Afterwards I signed her out of school, it was chaos and I really did not think she needed to be in all that. She was crying when we left wanting to say good bye to her friends that she went to school with for the past three years some of them the past six years. They will all be going off to high school. Our neighborhood has been redistricted so she will be going to a different high school than all her friends and her boyfriend (Zac) and I umderstand that is hard. She know that my mom and I moved to this town andI started at the same high school she is going to. I was knew to the school, new to the town, new to the state. I was fortunate that they had not had cheerleading tryouts at the end of the previous year so I got to try out, made it and made new friends. Fortunately Alyssa made cheerleading, will get to know the other girls this summer at camps and practices and will have some friends but I know she will miss her two best friends and Zac. Life goes on.

McKenna is hitting that milestone of potty training. She is doing REALLY well with the potty and tinkling in it. Occasionally we have an accident, sometimes we just go in, sit on the potty and come out with a bare behind. I suppose it is easier that way. We have most of our "accidents" going poopy. She was watching a movie the othe day on the couch. Kicked back, relaxing, laying on her side watching "Aslan the good lion". I was in the kitchen when I hear a terribly needy and nervous, "Mommy" I answered and then came an even more nervous, "Mommy .... the poopy's coming" I ran to the couch and sure enough, it was. I scooped her up with her hiney up in the air and headed to the bathroom. It was like a human Play Doh machine! It kept on comimg. I got her to the potty, sat her down just in time for PLOP! We celebrated that McKenna poopied in the potty!!! Hey, gotta make things positive as we learn cause Life Goes On!

My Little Girls Are Growing Up

June 1st was a big day at our house. My grandma would have been 88 years old but we celebrated with life! Wonderful things are happening in my girls' lives and I am so blessed to be a part of it, help them, guide them, and watch them grow.

Alyssa had her first big date. She went to the 8th grade prom with prince charming and she felt like Cinderella. She had a pretty white eyelet, strapless dress that came just above the knee and a pink ribbon tied at her waist. You know there has to be pink somewhere if it is Alyssa. I picked her up from school and McKenna and I took her to get her hair done. She had it washed and straightened. The hairdresser, Amy, pulled it back on the sides and then made some really soft long curls that flowed over the straight hair. It was very pretty. We then took her to have her make up done. Soft pinks and neutrals, it all made her eyes look really blue. She was beautiful. She dressed at home quickly because, in true Beth fashion, we were late. Her friends and date were meeting at Emily's house for pictures and then off to the dinner dance.

We arrived at Emily's. Grandma was there too, she wanted to see her but did not stay for the pictures, she just really wanted to see Alyssa. The girls came out to meet us and then walked inside. McKenna and I followed. I just could see Zac's face when she walked into the room. His eyes widened and he was a bit awe struck. Alyssa and Emily had gotten Meredith a corsage so they gave it to her and her mom pinned it on. Emily's date gave her a wrist corsage and Zac gave Alyssa a pretty wrist corsage with white daisies, her favorite, and a pink ribbon. Just perfect. Then he gave her a little box. He had gotten her a silver necklace with a little heart pendant. I took the necklace she had planned to wear to the dance tha matched her earrings off (Alyssa is very fashion conscience. She matches her jewelry, purses, shoes, outfits everything!) Zac then put the new necklace on her. It was like the papparatzi had arrived with all the camera flashes. They piled into Zac's mom's SUV with the girls all in the middle seat and Zac in the back like the "family dog" (little inside joke of our family's) and off they went to the dance.

McKenna and I went to Grandma's to eat dinner and then on the way home took a detour by the school to go peek in at the dance. A good time was being had by all!

So if you think that is big, it was even bigger! When I picked McKenna up from school to go get Sissy, she had been wearing big girl panties all day! Only had one little accident. She wore big girl panties while we were getting the hair and make up done and went to the potty several times - and actually went! That was her first time out in public with no diapers and she did really really well. She has been wearing big girl panties for the past few days and going potty like a big girl. She picked out some Tinkerbelle panties to wear. When she keeps her panties dry all day, she can wear the Tinkerbelle ones.

My little girls are growing up.

Maybe Third Times the Charm?

It is an old cliche saying, "Third Times the Charm" and I am hoping it will ring true but I am not looking. The first time I married was for commonality and it was time. I graduated from college, worked for a year or two and the next step was marriage. The second time I married was for passion, chemistry, and pain. I chose to live in those situations. I chose those people. What the relationships have in common, other then both ending in divorce, is that I chose and that neither was bound by God. Yes, we got married by ministers in a religious ceremony but neither were supported by faith, grounded in belief, or lived in the word. I have a healthier outlook on relationships and marriage now. I respect the vows that are said, the need for acceptance, patience, communication etc. And with that, I know that I should put this choice in God's hands. He is the father of my family and the husband of my heart now and one day when I am ready, He will choose for me. I know i have said this before. But I was searching for something online today, to send to a friend of mine that I have not heard from in a couple of days and ran into this poem. He is reminding me to be patient, wait, heal and know that He knows what is best for me. I just have to believe.

...Then a soft voice was heard
from all around herand inside her...
"My, child. When you thought it was a man you needed
I let you choose a man.
But he took your gift, and put it on a shelf
To wither
To die.
When you thought it was a lover you needed
You chose a lover
Who simply used your gift as a stepping stool
to reach over the walls in his life which he despised.
No, it is not a man you need,
for a man cannot understand your heart.
And it is not a lover you need.
A lover is like a firefly,
lighting your life for a moment,
then leaving you to deal with the darkness
Until it flashes again.
So I have taken it into my own hands
and shown you what you truly need.
He is not just a man, though a man he is.
He is not just a lover, though a lover he is.
He is the man I have given you forever..
He is your soulmate"
Rich Reith

Eerie isn't it sometimes how words of others match our life? Gee Connie didn't you just find yourself in a book you were reading? *silly grins* But actually, marriage #1 I became a possession. Marriage #2 well if you know me or have read any of this blog, you know how that one went. But Life is Good now and I know it will continue to be with grace and mercy.

Oh, How a Year+ Can Change Things

Over a year ago, I drove to Rocky Mount to meet with Aaron for the first time after he left us. I was a basket case. I cried going up. I cried while I was there. He was so angry. I was full of fear. I cried coming home. And the separation and divorce started, anger, tears, fear, uncertainty and everything else that comes with it.

In that year + I have worked hard to face my short comings, take responsibility for only the things that are really my responsibility, let go of negativity like doubt, feeling entitled, depression, taking things personally, anything that is just a waste of time and energy that negativity drains you of. I have told people that the best thing I ever did was go to church the next day after he left and it was. If you have read other entries in my blog, you find where I reference that God is the father of my family and the husband in my heart. I still believe in love and marriage, actually more now than I did before. And I believe that He will bring the right person into my life when He feels I am ready, healed and it is time. I picked the last two for me, married for reasons of convenience, compatibility and then for love and passion. But it was ME who tried to be in charge of that and look where I got me. Next time, I will leave it in His hands.

I went to Rocky Mount again today to meet with Aaron about the divorce. I got my ducks in a row, went with papers in hand to look at. I felt no fear. I was not convincing myself along the way that I could do this. Although, I did call a friend of mine looking for encouragement and support but instead recognized what a one-sided friendship it is. You know the saying you get what you give ... not always. It surprised me and I think that hurt more than the going to Rocky Mount did. But now I can say, "not my responsibility" and I also remember Connie's entry on giving people the benefit of the doubt, trying to remember who they and not focusing on just what they said, or in this case did not listen to. It is easy to get wrapped up in what is happening in your life and forget to see a pretty tree in the dark forest. But, I did not intend to write about that. I wanted to say what a difference a year has made and what a difference the Lord has made. We went over the paperwork, Aaron and I, we talked about how I got to the numbers, what the man at CSE said, overnights, changes in custody, taxes, etc. There was not anger, defense, or fear. He did apologize for lashing out at me and specifically about the "Drain the well dry" comment. It was like talking to my best friend again but not falling back into the old bad habits. I said things to him and there was a calmness between us. A fly on the wall would have been confused and wonder why are these two ending a relationship? Well, Aaron and I say, "We have always had bad timing" when it comes to "us".

The Search for Someone

I had a friend of mine say to me tonight that we are all in search of someone. Someone to complete us, fill a void, make changes in our lives, etc. And when we meet that someone and maybe marry them, we lose a little of ourselves as an individual but with that comes benefits of unity. Then the kids come along and we lose a little more of ourselves, jobs, finances, changes, life ... and we continue to lose a little more of ourselves and it seems we are always looking to find what has been lost.

I said I understood how people could think that way but to me, that is a bunch of crap. We do not lose ourselves, we make choices that change our lives. We chose to get married, we chose to bring children into our lives, we chose jobs ... we do not lose ourselves in the process, it is who we become. We made the choices for change, now accept what change has brought you. Enough of this junk of leaving marriages and families in ruin because you have to "go find yourself" or "feel broken and need to fix yourself". It is change that happens from a choice we made. Accept it, take responsibility and live it!

I also think that if we are constantly searching for someone to complete us, complement us, fill a void ... than we will constantly be disappointed in our search. There is only one that will complete us, complement us and fill any void. The same one that will heal the broken heart, shine light in your darkest hour, provide a change in your life that is better than any love or marriage you could imagine. The only one who will not disappoint. But only if you believe.


Nothing is more practical than finding God,
that is, falling in love in a quite absolute,final way.
What you are in with, what seizes
your imagination, will affect everything.
It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you will do with your evenings,
how you will spend your weekends, what you read,
who you know, what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in love. Stay in love. And it will decide
everything.

Pedro Arrupe, sj

Another Milestone at Our House!

While I have one date training as I told you about previously, I have the other daughter potty training. And today she went on the potty!!!!! Yes, we have been sitting, doing nothing for months but today... as she puts it .... I pee! Small steps, big accomplishments!!!! She went into the bathroom and came out telling me she had peed and some come look. So of course I did and we ooh'd and ahh'd and hugged and high fived and hugged some more and then we ran to tell Sissy. She said, "Sissy I pee. Come see" Well, you can imagine how the 14 year old was not really into it but did tell her how proud she was and how great it was, just did not want to come see. I love my girls!

Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?

Ok, I need your advice and prayers. I have a friend whose father is in the hospital with pneumonia and anemia (2 blood transfusions) and while there, he was diagnosed with cancer. This on top of dealing with a marriage that is ending after 25+ years due to infidelity of two years +. Yes, these things need prayers but what I believe needs more prayers is the admission to a crumbling faith. The very normal questions of "Why God?" that are being asked and weakening the faith.

Why do bad things happen to good people? What is there to say, to support, to comfort and to help this friend in need?

Life's Wrinkles

As Dolly Parton said in Steele Magnolias, "Time marches on and sooner or later you realize it is marchin' across your face." Well, I do not have a face full of wrinkles to match the worries, laughter or fear I have had in life but it does move on in ways that take us to new heights, adventures and yes, wrinkles.

I have an appointment with Child Support Enforcement tomorrow. I am taking the steps to wrap up loose ends and close the door. The car and insurance are taken care of. The parenting agreement was completed back in March and he was supposed to have it noterized and signed but I have not see it since then. We will get the 2005 taxes done with one last effort on my sisters part to help us both. And I have called him to ask for us to meet Thursday to go over paperwork, loose ends and plan out filing for divorce. This is what he has wanted for over 16 months. As Rafikki says, "It is time." What is with the movie references? Don't ask. It is just a wrinkle.

My oldest daughter was asked out on her first date the other night. She was asked to go to the 8th grade prom. It is a big deal in our house and just the start of MANY MANY wrinkles. I am concerned about doing this as a single mom. So much so that I even wrote her dad to ask his thoughts on her dating, curfews, etc. Even told him I thought it would be a good idea for him to be here when she starts actually going out with boys. You know to have the Dad represented, intimidate ... Yes, I know, my asking for him to actually do something with me as a parent, step foot in my house, or be cordial enough with me to consider my suggestion, well, it is like asking the wind to stop blowing in March. Small steps to get there. He still calls her from the car at the street when he is here to pick her up. Been in this house 5 years and he has never stepped foot in it. Just a wrinkle.

Life moves on and right over my face but leaves many smiles!

Hhhhmmmmm.... and off I went again: the trip continues!

OK so we left off with me at the student health center inquiring about why I had been dropped from a course that I had been to every class, done every assignment and taken every test - well, except for the exam I missed. So I found the immunization lady. Yes, I was tagged by Student Health Services (SHS) because of missing immunization records. I told her I had gotten the tetanus. OK, she looked and yes, found that it my record. Fixed. Nope. She looked and found that they were missing a chicken pox and 1 MMR record. They did not give chicken pox vaccines in the late 60's. I have a scar to show I had the chicken pox and if I have 1 MMR I know I have had the other. They come in pairs. I told her that I had been at ECU off and on since 1987 graduating with an undergrad in '89, Middle grades certification in '91, Masters in '95, AG certification in '03 and now working on the MFT. She said that this was the first on campus course I had taken since 2000 when they changed over the computer system - oohhhh, now we are getting somewhere. Part of my records were lost? No answer. So, I had two choices, I could either 1. get another MMR and take my exam at 5:30 or 2. try to find the immunization records and hopefully do that before 5:30. I opted for the first one. Another shot it is. Needle, stick, sting, done. No biggy. But wait! It gets better! I went to pay at the check out. $46.00 - wow I said, "why is the MMR so much more expensive than the tetanus?" "well, I suppose it is twice as much" was the woman's reply. um ... nope, I paid $8 for the tetanus. She told me that no that was a skin test. No that was a tetanus (I had the sore arm for days to prove it). She said that a tetanus was $23 and the skin test was $8. I repeated that I paid $8. She looked it up in the handy dandy computer. Sure 'nuff! They mischarge me $8 and tagged my records that I owe a balance of $15. So even if I could take my exam, I can not get my grades or sign up for another class cause I am tagged! I asked if I could go ahead an pay the balance. She said, "Not here. You are going to have to go to the cashier's office". I bet you will never guess where that it. Across campus .... Hhhhhmmmm so is it off I go to the cashiers office? Hhhhmmmmm.... nope, off I got the Wendy's to get a Frosty (the cup does say "do something nice for yourself"). I sat, regrouped, looked over my notes and went to take my exam. They made the mistake, the balance can wait .... so when I need to register again .... Hhhhhmmmmm ... off I will go.

It'll Drive You Crazy - another update!

I got an email today. He has his own car insurance. I can now take the other car off my insurance. He thanked me for helping him out with the insurance.

I have to be honest with you. I had mixed feelings about it. I know untangling myself is a good thing, distance is a good thing. healing is a good thing. But it felt like I was not needed anymore and ... well you know how that can feel. A few more things and I can close the door ... this will be a good thing, right? a healing thing.

Hhhmmmmm ... So, Off I Went

Well, as a working single mom, everything takes planning and arrangements. If I want or need to do something I have to make sure the girls are taken care of and that responsibilities at work are too. My mom was taking care of my girls for me and I arranged to leave school as soon as my students left so that I could go and take my final exam for one of the classes I am taking this semester. Kids got on the bus, Mom was picking up girls, I was ready to teaching the next day so I headed to campus. Got there, bought the blue bubble sheet and a drink so I could have quarters to put in the meter and headed for the classroom. My professor knew I would be late due to teaching and OK'd me coming in a little late. Well, when I got the the classroom, I walked in and did not recognize a soul. Not a single person in there had a familiar face. It is like every college student's nightmare. The professor that was there giving the exam asked if she could help me. I knew that was not my teacher. My teacher is a man and she was not a man. I told her I was there to take my exam. She said their exam was slated for 2-4. Yes, mine too. She suggested that it was in another room. That was our classroom. ... Hhhhmmmmm ... She asked who I was looking for. I gave her my professor's name. She said "well, he is not here today. He was here yesterday." ... Hhhhmmmmm ... Bewildered I walked out of the building to the car, got in, gave my space to a lady that was looking for parking (yes gave her the space and the 57 minutes still on the meter and off I went, drove straight to the professors office. The lady in the office said he was not there, he was home with Bronchitis. She got him on the phone. I told him what I had just done. He chuckled and said, "Well, Yes Beth, I knew you were going to be late but not this late."

Yes, you guessed it.... every students' nightmare .... my exam was Monday, not today, yesterday. Never, never in all my life, never in the many years that I have been going to school, never in the various degrees, certifications and licenses that I have logged semester hours for ... never have I ever missed and exam.

"I was embarrassed and shocked but not as shocked as I was when I heard him say, "We have a bigger problem than you missing the exam". He had not grade sheet for me. He had no record of my enrollment in the course. I had been there every day for the entire semester. Did not miss a single class. But I did not exist in the class either. He said for me to go check with the registrars office and find out why I was not listed and what he needed to do if anything to let them know I had been there and completed the requirements for the course. So, off I went, across campus where I had to buy yet another drink to get quarters for the meter. Went in one office, they directed me to another office, who directed me back to the first office I was previously in. There I was told that I had withdrawn from the course .... Hhhhmmmmm .... um, nope, no, don't think so, no recollection of withdrawing, been there everyday ... Seems that the Student Health Services has me tagged. What for? Immunization. Oh yes, I know what that is, they had no record of an updated tetanus shot, but I got one and took care of it. Where did I get one? At the Student Health Services. Walk across campus and see the woman in charge of immunization records, OK. So, off I went.

But the saga continues .... Hhhhmmmmm ... but off you go, I will give you part two later. :)

It'll Drive You Crazy - UPDATE

Just so you know ... I was told that the title and tags of the car were transferred. I was supposed to receive the old tag when he brought McKenna back on Sunday. But he did not come to get her for the weekend because he did not have money to put gas in the car and come get the kids. I suppose I could go check with DMV to make sure it really happened but I would rather be positive and have faith. Call me an idiot but I am not going to let negetivity and pessimism get to me and run my life. Now, I know... what about the taxes ... I will let you know how that turns out.

OH! and to let you know, a check arrived in the mail Saturday to cover his part of the car insurance that will draft out on Monday the 1st. :)

Just Call Me Edward Scissorhands

It occurred to me that I write in this blog when something dramatic is happening. I refuse to give into the drama. There is way too much of it anyway. So as I am getting my life back in order and healing, I am making strides in the more mundane areas of life too.

About to finish the semester and am disappointed in myself but am going to have to take an incomplete on the Independent Study I am doing along with the class. The class went really well. I enjoyed it very much. I know Independent studies are not my thing, just like I could never work from home. Way to many distractions and I am not self disciplined enough. I have to have someplace to go and deadlines to meet. I work better that way. I am still trying to get as much gym time in ... Hey Chet ... 6 more pounds! And I am as active as ever at church. I was just asked to be on the Hospitality team and will be greeting on the 4th Sunday of each month and also be serving on the communion team. This past Saturday was Serves Up where our church was working with 19 different agencies volunteering and helping out. The girls and I went to the Zoe House on 4th street. It is a house for women trying to stay off drugs and a place to keep them off the streets. We were there fixing their yard, built a picnic table etc. I trimmed all their bushes and cleared the vines off the fence. It inspired me.

At home I trimmed all my bushes. I have lived here 5 years and do not think I have ever trimmed the bushes. But I did this weekend. Mowed the yard and Wednesday I plan to drag everything from my back yard that makes it look like Sanford and Son live here. Thursday is trash day. I do not want to make my neighbors suffer too long with all the junk at the street. But the yard is shaping up. The house is shaping up. I am shaping up. And in turn life is shaping up!

It'll DRIVE you Crazy

In January the car insurance drafted out of my account. Aaron did not have the $$ to pay me at the time and it came back NSF. The insurance company gave me until Feb 6 to get it taken care of. Aaron got his part to me Feb 10th after he got paid but on the 6th I walked into the insurance agency to give them a check. Sorry ... they needed cash or a cashiers check. It was 5:15, no way was I going to get to the bank and back in time. So, my agent pulled the money out of his pocket, CASH, paid it and I paid him so the insurance would not lapse. Now, I know you are thinking, why is Aaron having to give me money for the car insurance. Well, yes he did buy the car from me last summer but asked if he could stay on the insurance because he could not get a cheaper policy. So he is on my policy.

Saturday, April 22, I get a card in the mail that I must relinguish my tags as there was a lapse in insurance February 6th. So, down to the insurance agancy I go, get the FS1 form to prove to DMV there was not lapse. I go to DMV with the form. And she asks me, which car is this for. I siad their is only one car in my name. She said no I have two here. Please do not tell me one of them is a Nissan. Yep! And still in my name. He has the title but has not changed it over. And the tags of the Nissan are expired. I have to have the tag removed before I can remove the insurance. I can not have the tag removed without either physically removing it from his car or the title and tags switching over. Yes, I talked to him about it. He said he would take care of it tomorrow.

Do I need a license to be driven crazy?

Explore & Dream

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream."(Mark Twain)


I find this to be so, so true. I look upon my life and the things I have done. Pretty cool things I suppose. In my jobs as Director of Education for two major zoo/aquariums. Worked for NASA and helped write a book and 2 online interactive programs for them (Echo the Bat & Amelia the Pigeon). Spent time in the Soviet Union when it was still named that and was almost bought by a Moor to be a wife in his harem. Sailed across the Baltic Sea, had James Bond 007 knock me down on the sidewalk is Stockholm. I have played basketball with dolphins and given a bath to a rhinoserous. I watched the space shuttle take off live and on the grounds of Kennedy Space Center. I have experienced life growing inside me twice, two miricles of life. I have found Christ and placed Him at the center of my heart and still in awe daily at what he sacreficed for me.

But I have never been genuinely in love. In an equal, healthy, supportive, accepting, loving relationship. But I will not be disappointed. I believe. I have hope that it will come. And when it does, I will know it because I will not be scared or aprehensive. He will guide me as he has guided me this past year + and given me friends that deepen my heart and heighten my life. I am so blessed and grateful. Time is on my side to explore and dream all that He has in store for me.

Her Decision or Delusion?

Well, I got my response from Sue. Of course this is after she called me to see if I was going to get the children this weekend (I found out later she needed a babysitter for Saturday Night - fine I have no problem helping out). She is more than willing for them to be with me IF I come and get them and bring them home. I was afraid that she would not like my response about meeting half way instead of agreeing to her terms of "you want to see my kids you come get them" that she would retaliate using the children as the weapon of choice as she has done to Aaron many times.
It is sad really.

I wrote:
Susan,
I just got an email from Steven. He will be getting Alyssa Saturday early evening so she will be here for some of the weekend. I appreciate you offering me your weekend and will gladly help you out with the kids since you need a babysitter for Saturday night anyway.

I understand your feelings about it being Aaron's responsibility to come to Cary to get the kids but I am not Aaron and feel we can compromise on behalf of Katie and Chris. I will gladly meet you half way wherever you designate on Friday or Saturday and again on Sunday. The precedence that you feel you need to set is just that, something you want to set for you ... it does not really have anything to do with Katie or Chris's benefit. I do not mean to upset you or challenge your choice with Aaron, that precedence I agree with you on. You are Katie and Chris's mom and I will respect whatever choice you make whether to compromise and work together for the kids to be able to see McKenna and Alyssa or not. You are their mom and the decision maker. We always love having them and they are welcome anytime. I would never presume to ask you to come all the way to Greenville as I feel it is fair to meet you because I am grateful to see the kids and take care of them while you and Michael get time together at the theater.

Let me know if you would like to meet Friday (anytime) or Saturday (Morning or evening - I have to take McKenna to a bday party sometime Sat. - where is that invitation?) and the time. I hope we can work something out.
Give our love to Chris and Katie

Her decision
Beth,
I feel that there is a definite tug of war going on; One that both the children and I are involved in.
I believe that it would be best if since the children got to know you through their father, that if they want to see you, they need to deal with him on that as well. It is a tragic situation, true, but separation and divorce do happen and "families" are torn apart.
I need to preserve my family and my children's relationship with their father, grand father and Aunt. That in itself is a lot of responsibility.
If Aaron feels that he needs to preserve Katie and Chris'a Relationship with you and Alyssa as well, I have NO problem with that, but as their father, he needs to make that call, not me.
Yes it will be hard to explain to Katie and Chris the reality of the situation, but I hope in time they will understand. When you and Aaron were together, you were a part of their lives because you were his wife. Now that is no longer so. I believe in my heart that continuing to foster a relationship will only hurt the children more. It will only confuse them more, and make things more difficult in the future.
It is time to move on, let go, cry a little, mourn, and start to deal with what is here and now.
I am sorry if this hurts you, I mean you no ill will. I hope you know that. But my children are living and trying to grasp at a past that no longer exists. They have come to accept Aaron's and my divorce, and know that is reality, a separation must be made somewhere and I think this is the place.
If the children wish to see you and Alyssa that is fine, but they will have to go through their father.

Where did half of this come from? Does not really matter, I will continue to say, "you can not get a rational response from and irrational person" Please forgive me for praying for the children only.

Will A Man Ever Ask This?

I had someone ask me recently, if I could just share my thoughts, right outload, nothing to lose, what wouls I say I wanted in a relationship/mate? I am afraid that my list would consist of things I know I don't want learned from relationships past. I have a new life and a new relationship based on Christ's love for me ... what would my list look like now? Everytime I hear this song I think, "Will a man ever say that about me?" That I would want.


Well you know it's not the first time
And it will not be the last
When You find me here on my knees
Praying for the storm to pass
But what I am really needing
Is much more than just relief
I am crying out for wisdom
Only You can give to me
Cause it's such a mystery
I'm a clueless man When it comes To knowing how to love a woman
How do I love her?
How do I let her know she means more than anything to me?
How do I love her?
Out of all the gifts You've given
Besides the very gift of life
There is none as precious to me
As the treasure of my wife
And still all the love in my heart
Is like a raindrop to the sea
When compared to Your love for her
And thats why I ask You please
Will You teach me what she needs
I'm a earnest man When it comes To learning how to love this woman
Well I know it's gonna to take a lifetime
To answer this prayer I pray
But that's okay Cause I've given You and her my lifetime anyway
Won't you tell me, tell me please

Stephen Curtis Chapman

Selfish & Parent - how can somone be both and live with themselves?

Beth,
I am sorry we are not able to work things out for this weekend. However,If you can pick up the kids and drop them off next weekend, I will give youmy weekend, and you can see the kids.
Let me know.
Susan

I received this email two days after the drunken phone call. I know what I would like to say but I know I will risk her not liking what I have to say and using the children to get back at me. Experience tells me that she not work with me again for them to see their little sister on events that are with my family. The children lose and that is not what I want. Her "presedence" is all about her, not what is nice or good for the kids. Am I just not looking at things realistically? 'Cause how I see this is as a mother being insecure and selfish and neither are good for the children. I feel bad for them, what they have been through and deal with. But I understand it is my perception that I view it with and I hope I am wrong.

Any advice on how to respond?

Kids Get in Your Heart Despite Their Parents

I have to remember that you can not expect a rational response from an irrational person. And certainly not when they are drunk.

This started by my asking Aaron if he had the kids for Easter. It falls on "his weekend". He would have to check with his X, their mom and see if he was going to be allowed them on that weekend. I said if he did have them, would he consider leaving Katie and Chris with me when he brought McKenna back on Saturday. They could be here, have Easter (you know color eggs, make baskets, Easter Bunny the whole deal) with us, go to church, then meet up with the rest of the family for a big egg hunt and ball game. I would then take them back to their mom. They live in Cary past Raleigh. I was surprised to hear from him days later that he did have the kids and I could take them on Easter. Great the Easter Bunny hopped into action, basket goodies etc. This will be fun.

Well, I got a familiar call from Aaron. He was not going to be taking the kids this weekend cause he was going to work. He could not pass it up it was Holiday pay. So I had to find someone to take care of McKenna on Good Friday cause the day care is closed and I was left to deal with his X on how to orchestrate the weekend.

She and I played phone tag most of Thursday afternoon. We finally talked at about 4:30 PM. Katie and Chris want to come to my house so all is go with the weekend. Well, until I said, great when is it convenient for us to meet half way on Saturday. She won't meet half way. She does not with Aaron and she will not set that kind or precedence with me. I can not carve 4 hours out of Saturday to go and get them and bring them back. My college roommate is coming in from VA. Alyssa has friends coming over to work on a project for school, we have lots to do. I was in the middle of setting up for the Maundy Thursday Passover Dinner for 300+ people at the church when I spoke to her and told her I would see what I could do. She said they were going to their church and Katie and Chris were taking their first communion. She had bought them a corsage and boutineer for it and it was going to be great. I was a bit distracted cause I was really swamped helping to get ready for the dinner. We hung up with them going to their church for the first communion, me getting ready for our dinner and trying to figure out what I could do to go get the kids on Saturday.

We got home from the Passover about 9:30. By 10:something I wrote her an email saying I was very sorry I just did not have a way to get the whole way to Cary and back. I was expecting for Aaron do bring them here blah blah blah. At 11:something I get a phone call. "You didn't call me back. I waited to hear from you and you didn't call me back. We didn't go to church for communion cause we were waiting to hear from you. This is not going to happen... And blah blah blah." She was DRUNK! In the blah blah blah was "this is weird, I am dealing with my husbands Exwife seeing my kids" (um... Isn't he her X-husband and Michael is the fiance of 4 years that she has yet to marry but they live together? And last the legal stuff said, I was Aaron's wife - but I did not split those hairs) Drunk! "Not setting a different precedence, you want to see my kids you come and get them, Katie has tears streaming down her face asking me Mom just this once meet her half way, NO! I will not alter my precedence" Blah Blah Blah! "Aaron's says he does not understand why you want them anyway, he says you resented the kids cause they already had a mother" (I never resented them cause they had a mother, I resented that their mother used the kids to cause problems for me and Aaron).... Blah Blah Blah... "He says you never wanted to be with them before but I have all this stuff at my house with their hand prints, crafts you made with them, things you did with them, but they don't need a lot of stuff, they just need you to spend time with them, be a mom. It is going to stop here. I will not change my precedence, you want to spend time with my kids, you come and get them." I calmly listened because you can not expect a rational response from an irrational person. And certainly not when they are drunk.

But they are kids. I know I will never be a huge part of their lives. I do not want to be their mom ,they have one. I am their step mom til our divorce is final butonly in title I suppose. But they are kids and you do not abandon kids. As long as they know I am here and that I care about/love them, then that is really all that matters. I have NO ulterior motive. Honestly and truthfully, it was just to offer Katie and Chris the opportunity to go on and egg hunt and to a ballgame. The same opportunity I offered my friends Lisa, Cathy, and Katherine and their kids. They are just kids and deserve better than what their parents are giving them. Well, it is not meant to be better, just something nice with people who care about them that they would enjoy. Despite their parents who have hurt my heart, it is not about me, it is purely just for them.

I am Fluffy not Fat!

And hopefully will be less and less fluffy! Working at it. Counting calories. Working out 3-4 times a week - more if I can get there. I drink anywhere from 64 - 116 onces of water a day and I keep a positive attitude! I feel really good. Life is GOOD! especially since I lost 8 lbs in the past 11 days. Hey Chet, I am gonna be as successful as you!

Watch me disappear in the next several months. I will keep the fluffy personality but not the fluffy figure!

If It Ain't One It's the Other

I can not seem to have a schedule that works without a husband, or X-husband wanting a change. X#1 sent an email about spring break. He forgot about the holiday and break and wants Alyssa to come be with him over Easter and not the week he usually has with her. He phrases the email, "I need you to be flexible". As if this does not happen, just as he wants, it will be my fault. Darn those old tapes in my head. "It is your fault Beth, it is your responsiblity to make it work out for everyone. You are the bad, selfish one of you do not comply." BUT I AM NOT! I AM NOT! I know this and I am believing it more and more but sometimes the "this is not how it is supposed to be" out weighs the "this is reality, deal with it best you can" and it, I don't want to say hurts but it does not feel OK. But it will. It will and the girls and I will continue to be better than OK.

X2B has been very quiet lately. Ever since the "Drain the well dry" email I have not heard anything from him. Distance, this is good, distance will help the healing. And I am healing. We all are. Life is good!

Draining the Well Dry

Well, I did it again. I tried to help someone who is not interested in "help" per se but more just getting what they want. See previous entries to get a better idea, "Cost of Love" and "Bagage Claim"In trying to help out with a payment someone would have to make if I did not help them, I in turn get told I am a liar and gold digger. I don't know judge for yourself ...

Beth,

I have no issue with filing MFJ and setting the dates as needed. My only issue is you taking over daycare. Having checked again with CSE,and remember, these are only guildlines, not the "real thing", my support payments would be well above and beyond what I currently pay for daycare. That being said, I would rather me maintaining daycare payments. You would still be able to take the tax break, so no change there. I've just seen to many moms out there driving new cars and living in bigger houses, all because of the increase the dads have to pay, and we then wind up living in squalor. I don't believe that you taking over payments is a means of distancing yourself, as that can'thappen as long as we have a child together. I do think, however, that it is a means to drain the well dry, and what good am I to the children if I can't afford to live at least decently??

Please re-think your decision.
Thanks,
A

My response:

Drain the well dry? You think my decision to take over day care is so that I can drain you of resources you are already tight on? Are you kidding me? What in the past 15 months or the past 5 years of us as a couple or even knowing me for the past 20 years would ever give you the idea that I am trying to get money out of you? Is it that I have helped you out when you lost your jobs and needed a place to stay? Was it that I never asked you to make more money and get a better job but instead told you do the job you like or go back to school if you want. Was it that I never pushed Steven for more money or took the money that Alyssa actually deserves that would give you a history of experience that shows you I am out for draining the well dry? Is it that I have met you half way or even helped out by bringing the kids to you? Paid the car insurance on time and did not fuss for the payment? Maybe it is that I am trying to help you out with the taxes so that you will not have to pay the IRS and forego child support that is owed to McKenna. I did these things and asked for nothing.

When? When have I ever asked you for money? When have I not tried to be understanding and generous? Of course you have no issue with filing taxes and readjusting the dates ... it bails you out again. And on that note, when have I ever held it over your head the times I have helped you? I already told you, I want nothing of you. I have been honest, patient and understanding. You broke my heart. Your decision has left yet one more little child to grow up with no full time Daddy and a broken promise that her parents would always be together and never do that to her. My best friend abandoned me and I told him I understand and have tried to be supportive in everyway I know how. I was genuinely truthful with you when I said it was an attempt to distance myself from you and move on to realistically take care of McKenna by myself and you in essence call me a liar. It is not me that wants more money, lies to you, cheats on you or belittles you ... it never has been and never will be. You are McKenna's father. My best friend and husband died standing on our deck holding papers saying he was being sued by the actual woman who did demand money, lie, cheat and belittle him and I am NOT her! Never have been. NEVER will be. Contrary to what you think women do with child support, I personally KNOW that it is NOT for ME ... it is for MCKENNA!

Buy a new car .... get a bigger house .... drain the well dry? Just spit in my face Aaron. You have either forgotten or chose to be clouded but you do not know me at all. You have no money but it sure has you so tight you can not even see good things in front of you. But you will spit in their face.

Beth

Just to let you know I have received no response to this but our accountant received his information to file our taxes.

Stolen Words

I stole these words from a couple whose relationship I admire greatly. I really hope you do not mind. In light of everything with Aaron, our common ground will always be McKenna. Thank you Andy for reminding me what is really important.

I think a sign of maturity is realizing that no one will ever agree with you 100% of the time, nor can you be expected to agree with family and friends 100%.The thing to learn is that you dont cut off family and friends 100% because you dont always see eye to eye.You just 'agree to dissagree' and come together where you do agree. Enjoy the other person where you do have common ground and dont bring up the stuff where you know you will disagree.So may people think a relationship has to be all or nothing. Thats such a shame and we all miss out on a lot of good times and a lot of love.When you demand 'all or nothing' in a relationship you will probably be left with 'nothing'And thats so very sad for all concerned. --Andy W.

Hey Mr & Mrs Andy W -- I love you!

Baggage Claim

OK I have had it. I am left holding the freakin bag all the time. I get to be the one to raise the children on my own, I get to answer their questions when they ask why, I have to figure out how these bills get paid, I have to figure out who gets to go where and how I can get them there - forget that maybe I would like to be able to do something like go work out for an hour a few times a week but I have to make sure the kids are cared for, the bills are paid, the house is taken care of, the laundry done, and the list goes on and on and I am expected to do it by mmyself with no grumblings what so ever. Now he asks about filing taxes. Well, hell! I get left holding that bag too. I can not file Head Of Household cause he will file Married Filing Separate so I have to file that way. I am screwed if I file MFS because I make a lousy $3K more than what will allow me deductions to help out. Morally we can not file Married Filing Jointly cause we did not live 6 months of the year together and 50% of either of our incomes did not go to help the "household". But even if we did, his having to pay thousands of dollars is going to screw me too. I DID NOT ASK FOR ANY OF THIS!!!! I promised to love, honor, cherish, sickness and in health, richer for poorer yada yada yada and I DID!!! I have done this. No matter what I do I get screwed anyway!!!

The Cost of Love

Last week I went to church on our anniversary to talk with a friend about how I was feeling. I have been juggling many many balls, trying to keep all of them in the air and worried about dropping any of them but exhausted keeping them all going on my own. The finance ball seems to be the heaviest and the most difficult to keep going. I am hating to see the envelopes come from the bank where checks did not go through, and stuff is cut off because of it and I have to pay extra to get it all back on line when I am pinching the pennies to make it work in the first place which is why it is tough when checks and stuff do not fall the time Iplan for them to. Anyway, Mark and I sat for close to 2 hours talking. "You need to process Beth. You have spent the past year separated but trying to make sure everyone else is OK, is comfortable around you, it taken care of that you have not taken care of yourself and gone through the process. You need to process."
HOW? What are the steps to process?

Yesterday my question was answered. While in class, we were discussing crisis in families and the Life Strategy to work through it. Actual steps to take. Some I have already been doing but others I need to allow myself to do without feeling like I am being selfish. Gotta get rid of THAT old tape. YEA!!! Another step forward toward healing. Feeling good about this. On the right track. Thank you God for bringing this to me.

BUT...
There it is, infamous and dreaded but

When I left class and got to the car, there was a message on the phone. Aaron called to find out how I filed my taxes this year. To make a long story, that I have already told enough and do not need to dwell on, short ... he will end up having to pay several thousand dollars if he files single. He wants me to consider us filing as married filing jointly so he will get the dependent benefits.

The tapes in my head that say, "if you are able to help someone you should, don't be the selfish person some people have accused you of being." IF I run the numbers for me and find out what I should get back and then run them again together and will get as much or more, why not? I could use the money.

BUT
Dang, there it is again...

These are my questions:
If I do this, how does that effect my going to CSS and filing for child support that by law will be retroactive back to Janaury 15th , 2005 when he left?
If I do this, does it effect us filing for divorce?
He has chosen to live his life alone, if I do this and bail him out again, how is he living his life alone with the decision that he has made and painfully put us all through?
He has looked right at me and said, "I don't want you" along with several other (to use the counselors words) harsh things to distance himself from me, our marriage and family but now how is this following through with his choices?
Am I really helping him?

Stop the tapes, stop the balls ... I never wanted this in the first place.

Look Backwards or Look Forward

Well, if you know me like I hope you do, you know what I am going to choose.

I started to let today go by without a word. March 15th, The Ides of March. I should have known better than to marry on the Ides of March. If you asked me would I do it again? Would I have married Aaron three years ago today knowing what I know now? Call me an idiot or as he does, crazy, but yes, I would have. I was never so sure of anything as the day I married him. I had never wanted to see anyone so much as I did him when I saw him standing with our friends and family waiting for me. I was marrying my best friend. I believed that and I believe it today on our third anniversary. I just did not know at the time that lay offs, a bankruptcy, his ex-spouse sueing him and money matters was going to kill my best friend and leave a broken stranger in its wake. I was nieve enough to think that if we stood by each other we could get through anything. This to shall pass, it will not always be this way. I knew I would stand by him always, always. I just did not know he would not stand by him or us. He could not even stand byhimself on his own, hence his term of being "broken".

We finished our mediated parenting agreement yesterday ... happy anniversary to us. He said he will get it notarized and when it is signed he will file for a divorce. I thought about that today and what today means to me now. My husband died on our deck one afternoon when he was served with papers from his ex. It was the last straw. My husband died. My best friend died. And someone just trying to survive took his place. Survive like he did as a child, look the other way, hide from the bad, blame others and selfishly look out for himself cause he thought noone else would. His father had taught him well. I want to be married. I want a "traditional" family. I want a best friend to share my life with. I did not want to fail again. I did not want another of my children's fathers to be a selfish child hanging on to grudges of days past. They deserve better. I do not want the Aaron that is left.

So how do I feel about today? Do not let the pain of yesterday determine your tomorrow. I am ok. I know I will be OK! The girls will be OK! I am afraid the he will not be. But if living your life, one day at a time, seeing your kids when you can afford to is being ok, then he strives to be OK.

Do not let the pain of yesterday determine your tomorrow. It is a new beginning. This too shall pass.

It's A Powerful Prayer

NAME IT and CLAIM IT, BELIEVE IT AND RECEIVE IT!!!!!!

Prayer by Bishop T.D. Jakes

"When you are DOWN to nothing ... God is UP to something"

Father, in the Name of Jesus, bless me even while I'm readingthis prayer and bless the one that sent this to me in a special way.
Open supernatural doors in our lives today.
Save and set free!
Give us a double portion of your Spirit as we take back everything that the devil has stolen: Emotional Health
Physical Health
Finances
Relationships
Children
Jobs
Homes
Marriages

I cancel every plot, plan and scheme the enemy has devised against us in the MATCHLESS NAME OF JESUS. And I declare: NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST US WILL PROSPER.

I speak LIFE into every dead situation. And, I thank you that nothing is over until YOU say it's over!

I speak prophetically into our lives and to our situations:
Our households are blessed;
Our health is blessed;
Our marriages are blessed;
Our finances are blessed;
Our businesses are blessed,
Our jobs are blessed;
Our children are blessed;
Our grandchildren are blessed;
Our parents are blessed;
Our siblings are blessed;
Our ministries are blessed; and,
Our decisions are blessed.

Husbands are on the way; Wives are on the way; Mortgages are paid and debts cancelled; Our hearts' desires are on the way; According to YOUR perfect will and plan for our lives.
YOU SAID YOU'LL NEVER FORSAKE US!

IN JESUS' NAME! AMEN!