The Cost of Love

Last week I went to church on our anniversary to talk with a friend about how I was feeling. I have been juggling many many balls, trying to keep all of them in the air and worried about dropping any of them but exhausted keeping them all going on my own. The finance ball seems to be the heaviest and the most difficult to keep going. I am hating to see the envelopes come from the bank where checks did not go through, and stuff is cut off because of it and I have to pay extra to get it all back on line when I am pinching the pennies to make it work in the first place which is why it is tough when checks and stuff do not fall the time Iplan for them to. Anyway, Mark and I sat for close to 2 hours talking. "You need to process Beth. You have spent the past year separated but trying to make sure everyone else is OK, is comfortable around you, it taken care of that you have not taken care of yourself and gone through the process. You need to process."
HOW? What are the steps to process?

Yesterday my question was answered. While in class, we were discussing crisis in families and the Life Strategy to work through it. Actual steps to take. Some I have already been doing but others I need to allow myself to do without feeling like I am being selfish. Gotta get rid of THAT old tape. YEA!!! Another step forward toward healing. Feeling good about this. On the right track. Thank you God for bringing this to me.

BUT...
There it is, infamous and dreaded but

When I left class and got to the car, there was a message on the phone. Aaron called to find out how I filed my taxes this year. To make a long story, that I have already told enough and do not need to dwell on, short ... he will end up having to pay several thousand dollars if he files single. He wants me to consider us filing as married filing jointly so he will get the dependent benefits.

The tapes in my head that say, "if you are able to help someone you should, don't be the selfish person some people have accused you of being." IF I run the numbers for me and find out what I should get back and then run them again together and will get as much or more, why not? I could use the money.

BUT
Dang, there it is again...

These are my questions:
If I do this, how does that effect my going to CSS and filing for child support that by law will be retroactive back to Janaury 15th , 2005 when he left?
If I do this, does it effect us filing for divorce?
He has chosen to live his life alone, if I do this and bail him out again, how is he living his life alone with the decision that he has made and painfully put us all through?
He has looked right at me and said, "I don't want you" along with several other (to use the counselors words) harsh things to distance himself from me, our marriage and family but now how is this following through with his choices?
Am I really helping him?

Stop the tapes, stop the balls ... I never wanted this in the first place.