16 Going On 17

There is a State Farm ad that says that teens are 10 times more likely to get into a crash in their first year of driving and the sweetest thing about being 16 is getting to celebrate 17. Today is Alyssa's 17th birthday and I am so greatful we are able to celebrate it. But at 1:00PM, we have to go to the funeral of her friend Macy who was killed 2 days ago in a car accident on the way to school to take her exam. She ran off the right side of the road, overcompensated and ran across the middle line in a curve into oncoming traffic. She was on her cell phone. She won't celebrate her 17th birthday.

Gifts from the Heart

I believe in the true meaning of Christmas, the reason for the season as the phrase has been coined. I know it is not in the receiving of gifts but in the giving as the Magi did to honor Christ, thier love for him and God's love for us. God gave us the gift of his son, the Magi honored his birth by giving gifts that would help Mary and Joseph escape. God knows the wants and needs of his children and provides for them ...this is the spirit of giving. I also believe that is it the thought that counts... maybe I am just overly sensitive but I think about gifts I give people. Not to say that if I am given a list of what someone wants, I do not try to fullfill their wishes but when left to my own, a gift has meaning to me. I gave my niece a set of 3D markers because McKenna loves to spend time with her and they color together. McKenna picked it out and I am pleased they like to be together so much. I created a basket for my brothers and their wives of things they can enjoy just them. It had popcorn, coffee, a candle, a do not disturn sign and the book The Love Dare. Not that I think there is anything wrong with thier marriages but the marriage of two people is what creates a family and in caring for that marriage and each other it is the best gift given to the family.

Christmas is a time for rememberance of what is important to us, the gifts we have received, not those bought at the store but given from the heart, received in love. Compassion, Forgiveness, Grace, Support and Love. None of them come with a pricetag but are invaluable.

Steve Curtis Chapman has a song, All I Really Want For Christmas. I think this a lot, not that I don't have one like the children in the song but mine is no longer close for reasons known and unknown.

Anyway, I am reminding myself that Christmas is the giving not receiving. I give gifts from the heart and it matters and has meaning in what I give. Wether it is received in that manner is to each of the receivers. Is it the thought that counts? Is the gift really from the heart and representative of how you feel about the person you give the gift to? If that is the case, I got that my sister Kris wants to spend time with me, a giftcard of monetary support from David and Misty and a reaffirmation that Alicia still wants nothing to do with me. For reasons unknown.

Forgiveness is a good gift to give and receive.

Gifts from the heart.

I Will Just Keep Telling Myself This ...

To restore harmony into a relationship, focus on what you appreciate about the other person, and not your complaints. When you focus on the wonderful things and you appreciate those, you will be astounded at how many more things to appreciate suddenly appear in the other person.

This is something I am actively doing right now even to the point of making a mental or written list of the things I appreciate about Alyssa to help me stay positive, not take things personally or be hurt and lonely. I think this is a good idea. I have always believed in the power of positive thinking. Wearing a smile on your face never goes out of fashion and it is the best cosmetic ever! It is easy to feel isolated or alone, it is better to feel harmony, peace brought on by one simple positive thought that brings on another and another. Every single human being is meant to be living in joy. It is our natural state, and we know it, because when we feel negative emotions we feel terrible. We want to be happy. And the biggest thing to realize is that happiness is a choice, because it is a feeling generated from the inside of us. We have to make a decision to be happy on the inside now, to magnetize a life of happiness on the outside.

Kindergarten

McKenna used to say,"Mommy, when I turn five and am in Kindergarten, I will ..." usually followed by something really big for a little girl. Well, McKenna turned five and last week was her first week in Kindergarten. She started on Tuesday, August 26th. There are 13 Kindergarten classes in her school. She is ALL the way down the hall at the end, and I mean the end, out the door and up the ramp to an Education Cottage, other wise known as a trailer. One good thing about her being in the trailer, is there are fewer children in her class than the others. I believe she has 18 in her class and the others have 24-26. She was very excited about going to Kindergarten. She got a Hannah Montana bookbag and lunchbox from her friend Gracie for her birthday. She carried her lunchbox and wore her bookbag as she walked about 6 steps ahead of me as I walked her to her class the first day of school. Chad had asked me if he could be there to see her off on her first day of school. It really meant a lot to him and she was tickled to death when she saw him standing at the front of her school. As we pulled into the parking lot she saw him standing there and yelled, "Mommy, there is Chaddy! He is coming to see me go to school!" When we got out of the car, she ran up and hugged him, grabbed his hand and started walking to into school. I caught up with the lunchbox and bookbag gave them to her and off we went into the school to embark on her educational career. She goes to Wintergreen Primary and her teacher is Miss Church.

I remember just a clear as if it were last week taking Alyssa to Kindergarten. I can still picture her in her little black skirt, white shirt and embroidered Winnie the Pooh vest. I remember it all from the red bow in her hair to the red socks and white Keds on her feet. And I remember I cried and cried that day. Our county school system has gone to uniforms so McKenna was in her Khaki shorts and either blue, green or white polo type shirt. I did OK on McKenna's first day not crying, well as least until I was in the car by myself driving away. I thought about my little Winnie the Pooh girl driving herself to school for her Junior year and my little Velcro baby independently and excitedly walking several steps ahead of me. On Wednesday Alyssa and I walked her in before heading to the hospital to have blood work done. Thursday as I walked McKenna in, she told me she wanted to walk by herself and to stop at the end of the hall. I stood there and watched her walk all the way down the hall, out the door and to her classroom and had to swallow hard to not cry then as well. On Friday, Grandma took her to school. She told Grandma as they got close that she wanted to walk in by herself and Grandma needed to stay in the car, she wanted to go through the Kissy Lane (Kiss N Go lane). And she did.

McKenna was very proud that afternoon when she brought home a Terrific Kid certificate telling me she had not had to move her Popsicle stick from the happy face to the sad face all week. All too soon my little happy face girl will be driving herself to school her junior year.

Club Med Weekend

Last weekend, we spent the entire weekend in and out of medical facilities. Alyssa got sick Thursday night (8/21) and I took her in Friday to the Doctor thinking she had strep throat. The culture came back negative but they wanted her back to test her for Mono Monday. Well we did not make it to Monday, it was much worse Saturday and we went back, her regular pediatrician was there and immediately thought Mono but since she has only been sick for a couple of days it would most likely not show up on a test but we went over to the hospital anyway for the lab tests. McKenna had a birthday party to get to and I could not be in two places at once so I had to get someone to take her to the party. She wanted Chad, so here I am calling him to ask a fovor of him after telling him I really could not see him anymore but McKenna wanted him and he will play with her and take good care of her so I called. He was there in minutes, took her to get a gift, got her socks and took her to the Jumping Monkey for the birthday party. Texted me when she fell in the big blow up jumpy thingy and hurt her foot. She sat on his lap, got the comfort she needed and off they went to see presents opened. Unfortunately, when I tried to get a shoe on her later that evening, she really complained about her foot hurting and I looked and it was swollen and blue. We spent 5 hours in the ED with McKenna that night, to get her foot x-rayed. They think she broke it is on a growth plate so it is about impossible to see on an xray. She either broke it or sprained the ligaments in her big toe and foot. Either way is it "puffy like a frog" she says and hurts. She is off her foot for a while.

The doctor wanted to see Alyssa again Sunday so we went back again Sunday morning to find the Mono culture did not show positive so he put her on augmentin along with prednizone. We went back to the hospital for another Mono test Wednesday. Alyssa missed the first day of school and has been going half days or in during 2nd block and trying to get as far through the day as possible. She has Honors Alg II, AP English, and Honors Physics the last three blocks of the day. The mono test came back negative on Wednesday. She seems to have a bacterial infection on top of a viral infection but they are treating her like it was mono. REST REST REST!

We got through this week ok. McKenna's foot is feeling better but she is out of PE and Alyssa comes home to take naps after school. Me, I am working on training the teachers in our county to teach Academically Gifted kids all week and getting ready for my own students.

Online Support System

This blog is my way of journaling, getting the feelings out as well as letting you know what is happening in my life. My support system of friends that I share intimate life details spread from VA Beach through Memphis to California. I thank you for your love and support and always wish you were closer. Chad is the closest member of my support system but since we are not dating any longer, needing or wanting to talk to him, he is always open to but I do not want to sneak around or make things uncomfortable at home. So, he and I "talk" via IM. This conversation was one that taught me something and I wanted to save it with my journalings.

Beth: Thank you for the icecream last night and for coming to see McKenna. She has wondered where you are.
Chad: Thank you for letting me. Chad: How was Alyssa when she got home?
Beth: ok
Beth: she talked about Brad
Chad: talking is good
Chad: he still bothering her?
Beth: no not really, only in her mind
Chad: talking is definitely good then
Beth: she does not talk really she just recaps events
Chad: ah.
Chad: she needs to learn to talk about her feelings
Beth: but she does need to talk about her feelings
Chad: she holds way too much in
Beth: what is she going to say?
Chad: about me? I have no idea
Beth: would she say to me, I thought you weren't seeing him anymore? and me say I am not he came by with icecream, she knows I am not seeing you anymore because of her
Chad: did you say anything about it?
Beth: just that you came by with icecream
Chad: I know that she may not understand right now
Beth: understand?
Chad: about my visiting
Chad: my still being around in general
Beth: she probably thinks I am not really not seeing you just saying it but then again I am always coming up with what other people might think and internalizing that
Chad: well... my best suggestion to take care of that is to talk to her.
Beth: i need to talk to her about that and about McKenna and her dealings with her
Chad: you will never know what she is thinking unless you do. Problem is, if she is anything like I was SHE may not even know what she is thinking. She may have feelings about things, but not really pay attention to the thoughts creating those feelings
Chad: while talking to her, try to get her to share her thoughts about things... not just feelings
Beth: yes I say lots of times what makes you think that?
Beth: i get i don't know
Chad: try a different approach
Chad: ask same question in a different way
Beth: like
Chad: sounds as though directly asking thoughts initiates a defensive reaction
Beth: maybe say, did something happen that makes you feel that way?
Chad: she does tell you things that happen
Chad: that book I gave you is all about Cognitive Therapy... changing thoughts
Beth: have not read it
Beth: cant concentrate to read
Chad: Maybe asking why she thinks something makes her get the idea that you think she is wrong
Beth: probably
Chad: try using teacher strategies to help get it out
Chad: "is this the right answer?" "Maybe, how did you get that answer?"
Beth: ok
Chad: Feelings are the answer. Thoughts are the "work" that get that answer
Beth: will try
Chad: I am not trying to tell you what to do or how to do it. I am only using my own experience to offer suggestions
Beth: i appreciate the insight
Chad: I do not know what you should say to help get her to share her thoughts
Beth: me either
Chad: I do believe that is what needs to come out though. Learning to identify them and deal with them each has helped me tremendously
Beth: yes
Chad: it is very hard at first
Chad: seems that thoughts just spin around our heads so fast that they cannot be identified
Chad: we try to follow them and they get away
Beth: or keep us awake
Chad: true
Chad: it gets easier as we learn to use a strobe light effect
Beth: ?
Chad: with a spinning wheel with writing on it, if you tune the light to strobe at the right time, you can read the writing as if it were still
Chad: instead of trying to follow our thoughts around our head, wearing us out and giving us a headache, we can focus on one point (thought) and catch it each time it goes by
Chad: then we can analyze it and determine how to deal with it
Chad: the thoughts that occur most often are easiest to identify
Chad: the same thoughts often come with different issues. Once we have identified them, they are easier to locate, identify, and deal with
Chad: the hardest part is learning to take a second to identify them
Chad: and then replace them with a conscious, more productive thought
Chad: like with any other habit, which is exactly what automatic thoughts are, they do not completely go away, they are just easier to deal with
Chad: that is how to improve our feelings
Chad: and, in turn, our mood
Chad: I hope my "Numbers-like" explanation helps some
Beth: yes
Chad: are you doing ok?

I appreciate you all reading and responding. It feels good to know you are there!

A Way Is Made

God is faithful when you ask for help. We made plans to go to the pool for the afternoon today, the three of us. My friend Lee Ann and Alyssa's friend Amanda were going to join us. I woke early worried about how I was going to get things done that I needed to do and not leave Alyssa alone or McKenna alone with her. I needed to go to the church at 11:00 AM and pick up a box of school supplies they were donating to my school as well as the secretary emailed me and needed me to come in and look over the STRIDE curriculum that I had redone before she copied and started collating. She would be in the office after 2:00 PM. Well the girls were still asleep when I needed to leave for church but as I was leaving they woke. Knowing I was only going to be gone for about 30 minutes and they were watching TV, I thought, "OK Beth, don't worry, go. It is just 30 minutes." Well, also God is faithful that it rained all day today and Lee Ann text me, "Guess No Pool" I did go get the supplies but when I got back, McKenna was crying in time out. Seems to happen all the time when I leave, Alyssa looses tolerance and in time out McKenna goes. Something about a whiteboard and McKenna not writing on it but scribbling in the area Alyssa said she could in the way she could ... ended with Alyssa taking the marker from her, McKenna getting upset and yelling "I want my Mommy" and in time out she got put. Well I took them both with me to the office to check on the curriculum, picked up Zac, Alyssa's boyfriend and headed out to my school to take boxes and start moving furniture to get the room set up.
Classroom was disappointing. I am at a new school this year. I went in June to move all my stuff from old school to new school and was really pleased to see the nice bookcases and tables etc in my room. The room is a lot smaller than the other center, I have about 25-28 kids to serve in AG this year and I am not sure how I am going to get them all in the room. We can put a name tag on the door, Ms. Webb STRIDE/TAG Sardine Can! Got there today and the nice bookcases are gone, the big tables are gone, replaced by 4 tables that are not the same heights, sizes or even the same type or color. No chairs, even my personal rolley chair was gone. At least it has my name on it so I can find it. I really wish Chad was there, he is good at looking at stuff and arranging things to make it work better, good at spacial relation stuff - stick with the plan right now, stick with the parenting plan. I think Alyssa and Zac were pretty surprised with what mismatch stuff I had, no teacher desk either, it is gone too. We gave up on trying to arrange things and left. Had to get to my mom's for dinner anyway. We were stopped at a light and I rubbed my eyes a little and Alyssa said, "Don't worry mom, your room will be fine. You always make them look good for the kids." I hope so. Like the rain made a way for me today, I hope a way is made!