Look Backwards or Look Forward

Well, if you know me like I hope you do, you know what I am going to choose.

I started to let today go by without a word. March 15th, The Ides of March. I should have known better than to marry on the Ides of March. If you asked me would I do it again? Would I have married Aaron three years ago today knowing what I know now? Call me an idiot or as he does, crazy, but yes, I would have. I was never so sure of anything as the day I married him. I had never wanted to see anyone so much as I did him when I saw him standing with our friends and family waiting for me. I was marrying my best friend. I believed that and I believe it today on our third anniversary. I just did not know at the time that lay offs, a bankruptcy, his ex-spouse sueing him and money matters was going to kill my best friend and leave a broken stranger in its wake. I was nieve enough to think that if we stood by each other we could get through anything. This to shall pass, it will not always be this way. I knew I would stand by him always, always. I just did not know he would not stand by him or us. He could not even stand byhimself on his own, hence his term of being "broken".

We finished our mediated parenting agreement yesterday ... happy anniversary to us. He said he will get it notarized and when it is signed he will file for a divorce. I thought about that today and what today means to me now. My husband died on our deck one afternoon when he was served with papers from his ex. It was the last straw. My husband died. My best friend died. And someone just trying to survive took his place. Survive like he did as a child, look the other way, hide from the bad, blame others and selfishly look out for himself cause he thought noone else would. His father had taught him well. I want to be married. I want a "traditional" family. I want a best friend to share my life with. I did not want to fail again. I did not want another of my children's fathers to be a selfish child hanging on to grudges of days past. They deserve better. I do not want the Aaron that is left.

So how do I feel about today? Do not let the pain of yesterday determine your tomorrow. I am ok. I know I will be OK! The girls will be OK! I am afraid the he will not be. But if living your life, one day at a time, seeing your kids when you can afford to is being ok, then he strives to be OK.

Do not let the pain of yesterday determine your tomorrow. It is a new beginning. This too shall pass.