Baggage Claim

OK I have had it. I am left holding the freakin bag all the time. I get to be the one to raise the children on my own, I get to answer their questions when they ask why, I have to figure out how these bills get paid, I have to figure out who gets to go where and how I can get them there - forget that maybe I would like to be able to do something like go work out for an hour a few times a week but I have to make sure the kids are cared for, the bills are paid, the house is taken care of, the laundry done, and the list goes on and on and I am expected to do it by mmyself with no grumblings what so ever. Now he asks about filing taxes. Well, hell! I get left holding that bag too. I can not file Head Of Household cause he will file Married Filing Separate so I have to file that way. I am screwed if I file MFS because I make a lousy $3K more than what will allow me deductions to help out. Morally we can not file Married Filing Jointly cause we did not live 6 months of the year together and 50% of either of our incomes did not go to help the "household". But even if we did, his having to pay thousands of dollars is going to screw me too. I DID NOT ASK FOR ANY OF THIS!!!! I promised to love, honor, cherish, sickness and in health, richer for poorer yada yada yada and I DID!!! I have done this. No matter what I do I get screwed anyway!!!

The Cost of Love

Last week I went to church on our anniversary to talk with a friend about how I was feeling. I have been juggling many many balls, trying to keep all of them in the air and worried about dropping any of them but exhausted keeping them all going on my own. The finance ball seems to be the heaviest and the most difficult to keep going. I am hating to see the envelopes come from the bank where checks did not go through, and stuff is cut off because of it and I have to pay extra to get it all back on line when I am pinching the pennies to make it work in the first place which is why it is tough when checks and stuff do not fall the time Iplan for them to. Anyway, Mark and I sat for close to 2 hours talking. "You need to process Beth. You have spent the past year separated but trying to make sure everyone else is OK, is comfortable around you, it taken care of that you have not taken care of yourself and gone through the process. You need to process."
HOW? What are the steps to process?

Yesterday my question was answered. While in class, we were discussing crisis in families and the Life Strategy to work through it. Actual steps to take. Some I have already been doing but others I need to allow myself to do without feeling like I am being selfish. Gotta get rid of THAT old tape. YEA!!! Another step forward toward healing. Feeling good about this. On the right track. Thank you God for bringing this to me.

BUT...
There it is, infamous and dreaded but

When I left class and got to the car, there was a message on the phone. Aaron called to find out how I filed my taxes this year. To make a long story, that I have already told enough and do not need to dwell on, short ... he will end up having to pay several thousand dollars if he files single. He wants me to consider us filing as married filing jointly so he will get the dependent benefits.

The tapes in my head that say, "if you are able to help someone you should, don't be the selfish person some people have accused you of being." IF I run the numbers for me and find out what I should get back and then run them again together and will get as much or more, why not? I could use the money.

BUT
Dang, there it is again...

These are my questions:
If I do this, how does that effect my going to CSS and filing for child support that by law will be retroactive back to Janaury 15th , 2005 when he left?
If I do this, does it effect us filing for divorce?
He has chosen to live his life alone, if I do this and bail him out again, how is he living his life alone with the decision that he has made and painfully put us all through?
He has looked right at me and said, "I don't want you" along with several other (to use the counselors words) harsh things to distance himself from me, our marriage and family but now how is this following through with his choices?
Am I really helping him?

Stop the tapes, stop the balls ... I never wanted this in the first place.

Look Backwards or Look Forward

Well, if you know me like I hope you do, you know what I am going to choose.

I started to let today go by without a word. March 15th, The Ides of March. I should have known better than to marry on the Ides of March. If you asked me would I do it again? Would I have married Aaron three years ago today knowing what I know now? Call me an idiot or as he does, crazy, but yes, I would have. I was never so sure of anything as the day I married him. I had never wanted to see anyone so much as I did him when I saw him standing with our friends and family waiting for me. I was marrying my best friend. I believed that and I believe it today on our third anniversary. I just did not know at the time that lay offs, a bankruptcy, his ex-spouse sueing him and money matters was going to kill my best friend and leave a broken stranger in its wake. I was nieve enough to think that if we stood by each other we could get through anything. This to shall pass, it will not always be this way. I knew I would stand by him always, always. I just did not know he would not stand by him or us. He could not even stand byhimself on his own, hence his term of being "broken".

We finished our mediated parenting agreement yesterday ... happy anniversary to us. He said he will get it notarized and when it is signed he will file for a divorce. I thought about that today and what today means to me now. My husband died on our deck one afternoon when he was served with papers from his ex. It was the last straw. My husband died. My best friend died. And someone just trying to survive took his place. Survive like he did as a child, look the other way, hide from the bad, blame others and selfishly look out for himself cause he thought noone else would. His father had taught him well. I want to be married. I want a "traditional" family. I want a best friend to share my life with. I did not want to fail again. I did not want another of my children's fathers to be a selfish child hanging on to grudges of days past. They deserve better. I do not want the Aaron that is left.

So how do I feel about today? Do not let the pain of yesterday determine your tomorrow. I am ok. I know I will be OK! The girls will be OK! I am afraid the he will not be. But if living your life, one day at a time, seeing your kids when you can afford to is being ok, then he strives to be OK.

Do not let the pain of yesterday determine your tomorrow. It is a new beginning. This too shall pass.

It's A Powerful Prayer

NAME IT and CLAIM IT, BELIEVE IT AND RECEIVE IT!!!!!!

Prayer by Bishop T.D. Jakes

"When you are DOWN to nothing ... God is UP to something"

Father, in the Name of Jesus, bless me even while I'm readingthis prayer and bless the one that sent this to me in a special way.
Open supernatural doors in our lives today.
Save and set free!
Give us a double portion of your Spirit as we take back everything that the devil has stolen: Emotional Health
Physical Health
Finances
Relationships
Children
Jobs
Homes
Marriages

I cancel every plot, plan and scheme the enemy has devised against us in the MATCHLESS NAME OF JESUS. And I declare: NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST US WILL PROSPER.

I speak LIFE into every dead situation. And, I thank you that nothing is over until YOU say it's over!

I speak prophetically into our lives and to our situations:
Our households are blessed;
Our health is blessed;
Our marriages are blessed;
Our finances are blessed;
Our businesses are blessed,
Our jobs are blessed;
Our children are blessed;
Our grandchildren are blessed;
Our parents are blessed;
Our siblings are blessed;
Our ministries are blessed; and,
Our decisions are blessed.

Husbands are on the way; Wives are on the way; Mortgages are paid and debts cancelled; Our hearts' desires are on the way; According to YOUR perfect will and plan for our lives.
YOU SAID YOU'LL NEVER FORSAKE US!

IN JESUS' NAME! AMEN!

Great Beginnings!

I was at McKenna's daycare and her teacher told me about a conversation that she over heard McKenna having at lunch yesterday. She said the McKenna was talking to Wesley and Said, "Wesley, would you like to go to church with me? Would you like to go to my church and see Jesus?" and Wesley said yes he would go to church with McKenna. Then McKenna turned to her little friend Claire and said, "Claire, would you like to go to church with me? Would you like to go to my church?" Claire told her no, that she goes to her own church and McKenna told her that that was good. 2 years old! 2 years old!!! It is so wonderful. McKenna loves going to church. She asked me last night if we could go to church. I am so hoping this is a great beginnings.

Did You Hear What You Said?

I often wonder if people actually listen to themselves when they are talking. I mean I know that many people do not listen to someone who is talking to them. They are often too busy in their own head thinking about what they will say next to listen to what is being said to them. But I am wondering, do people ever really listen to what their own mouth is truly saying?

I ask this cause just resently I heard some comments that were made and I found them to be pretty telling.

Out of the mouths of husbands.
I had some people at my house recently. When it was over, a couple that was there with their children were leaving. They had two young children with them. The husband asked if one of the children was still in the house. His wife aswered him, "I think so", He responded to her in front of me and others, "You better know so". If was degrating. Why would a toad of a comment come out directed at someone who is your partner in life? To what good would treating anyone like that be and what does that teach the children?

Out of the mouths of babes.
The same night, I over heard a 4 year old child ask her mother where my husband was. Her mother responded that I did not have one. The child's response was, "So McKenna does not have a Daddy?" Her mother told her yes, but that he lives in another town and McKenna visits him. The child then said, "That's not a Daddy. Real Daddy's would live wherever their kids are."

Sometimes I think I would choose to listen to what a child says. More pearls than frogs come out of their mouths.

Unsettled

I was reading blog entries of two people I have come to admire, respect and listen closely to when one site lead me to another and then to another and I came upon Prayforgreenville.org. Watching the animation left me unsettled. It is amazing but a bit more, I do not know I can not find the word for it . . . I am not sure, I just know I was unsettled about something. Maybe that was the purpose of the animation to unnerve people for the sake of Christ's coming. I am new in this walk and still learning and hope and know I will always be learning the rest of my life but I questioned if my faith was strong enough. Enough for what? I am not a radical, I am nonconfrontational and I am humbly grateful for the presence of the Holy Spirit that has saved me this past year and as I continue this walk I know will save me again and again. As you can tell I am having difficulty expressing the effect this site had on me. I can not decide if it is a good effect or not. Like I said, unsettled. Take a moment if you have one, visit this site. Tell me what you feel. Maybe by then I will have regained some of similence of expression.

It's MY party ...

My sister sent me an email the other day letting me know that she would be coming back to NC for my birthday but that it would be the weekend after my birthday because out brother David was having a birthday party for me and his girlfriend Misty. Our birthdays are close together. He also told her that he was coming to Greenville the weekend of my birthday to celebrate. OK so if you remember previous entrees (White Elephant among others) this divorce thing that Aaron wants makes family events sticky. At least in my mind and heart. I responded to my sister excited that she would be back but put in the email a question, "I hate to ask but do you think David is going to invite Aaron?" My sister responded that she hoped that David would know that since it is my birthday that he wouldn't invite him or at the least ask me first. In any case, she suggested that I make my desires known. That was her word, desires. What are my desires? At this moment in time I am not sure what my desires are. I guess my real desires is that none of this is really happening. That my family is not torn apart and that my relationship with my brother in not strained. Welcome to reality, it is and for what reason? Another good question.

Sometimes I feel like I am in competition with Aaron for David's time. That when he comes to Greenville for my birthday, that I have to entertain him and make the time more fun than what he might have with Aaron. I know, pretty silly but I am being honest. I guess I just feel so rejected. I feel like he has already chosen Aaron, that he has to deal with me cause I am his sister but that if I am fun and he has a good time with me he will want to inspite of me being his sister.

Well, I know you will say, Beth it is YOUR birthday, do what you want to! And I will . . . . . . . After I get an email response from him letting me know what his plans are. (sheepish wince)
Hey, I am making progress, just some habits are harder to move away from. This one is really hard cause David sees me as a selfish person, I guess cause I am the baby. You know the habit I am trying to move away from is to stop worrying about what others will think, try to accommodate others inspite of me .... I am trying to learn this! Really I am!

Generations Pass

Nope I did not spell that incorrectly in the title, Generations Pass. My grandmother passed away this past Friday. It was a relief in a way because she had Dementia and has been "gone" for several years. I know that she is in a better place where she is, happy and will remember how much we love her but of course she will always be missed.

She was an amazing woman. I would say a woman before her time. She was very independent. VERY Independent. She was not your cookie baking grandma. She was more the beer run grandma. She had a HUGE beer can collection. Loved Iron City Beer only because it was brewed in Pittsburgh. She was the biggest Steelers fan I know and now that she is in heaven, healthy and in her right mind again I know she is happy that they just won the Super Bowl. Of course when I think of my grandmother, Romayne Phillips, I will always remember her love for the beach which I share. That she drank everything with a straw, like I do. She loved cheese, me too, better than chocolate. She always had Certs or TickTacks, was always humming, I do not know what tune, and she walked at least four - five miles a day, especially if she could walk on the beach. She loved sports, football and baseball and I have known "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" since I was probably old enough to babble the song. I remember my floaty ducky and being in the ocean with her all my summers as a child, floating over the swells. She would say, "Swells are swell" and for someone who could not swim, she was a great floater and always in the water. And of course her trademark was always having a convertible (I must have gotten that vice from her too - I WILL have a convertible again!) There is so much to remember about her, how she loved Charlie Brown, music (Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon, Opera, all kinds), our walks to Dairy Queen after naps in the afternoon and getting a Mr. Misty Kiss before going back to the beach. She taught us how to make drip castles in the sand. I remember playing for hours in a tidepool one day with her when my brothers started catching blue crabs with my buckets, in the very same tidepool, and we took home - oh, I don't know how many crabs! We cooked them in a big pot in her kitchen. There were so many of them that a couple crawled out of the pot and around the floor. She was always so funny calling the "Blue Bathroom" as we drove up in the driveway in her convertible '62 Nova cause she had to "piddle". I remember everything about her house. There were no toys, other than beach toys, but there was a lot of fun. Everyone called her grandma and she was a grandma to all our friends. She had a great smile and laugh but most of all, she loved the four of us, her grandchildren. No doubt about it we were always top of her priority list and always there with us even though she lived in a different state.

Grandma, I know now you will remember our favorite joke, "What did the big rose say to the little rose? Hi bud!" Everytime I would tell it to you, you would laugh and laugh and hug me. It was not until I was older that I actually got the joke and play on words, I just knew you would laugh and hug me! I love you Grandma! I will grieve for the time my children will not have with you but feel fortunate for the time I did.

What's in a name?

In my Family Crisis class we were talking about how society has changed and how that has changed the dynamics of the family. Part of out discussion was the roles family members have and how that has also changed. Alfred Adler developed the theory of birth order but of course that was in the early 1900's when family and marriages were not as disposable as they are now. We talked about what happens to children when parents get divorced or remarried and have other children. This happened in my family. I have one child that is a Broadhurst when I became a Webb. Did she feel like she did not belong in our family because there were 5 Webbs and she had a different last name? I would hope that it is more the relationship, time and support that we shared that made her belong and not that name. She talked about changing her name but not necessarily to Webb. I do not remember if she wanted Webb or my maiden name Hawk. You can see how much of an issue it was to me. I hope it was not much of an issue to her. I wonder how hurtful it was to Aaron that I did not take his name legally immediately upon getting married? It was a choice made out of , for lack of a better word, protection of me. He filed bankruptcy before we got married and we were trying to keep the creditors from coming after me, the house, etc. In all other purposes I was Mrs. Webb and proud to be. Keeping Broadhurst for a little while had absolutely nothing to do with my former husband. I do not know if it bothered him if Alyssa's friends mistakenly called him Mr. Broadhurst. He was always introduced to them as Aaron. I suppose name does have a lot to do with finding your place in a family. It is definitely a visual and auditory reminder of the changes that have taken place in the family structure. Even now, I do feel somewhat of a woman without a name. I was in the process of changing my name legally and on credit cards, bank accounts, etc. when Aaron left. Some places I am Webb, some I am Broadhurst and still others I am Broadhurst-Webb. People ask me if I am going back to my maiden name. No, I am not really a Hawk by name anymore. I say that mainly because I have a family of my own now. I have two daughters. The three of us are a family. One child is a Broadhurst, one a Webb by name. I will chose to be, for lack of a better word, inconvenienced. So when Aaron gets the divorce he wants, I choose to be Broadhurst-Webb. It has absolutely nothing to do with my former husbands and everything to do with my family, my children. They will know where they belong because of the time, love, support, interest, understanding, care, that their mother will give them and the confidence that I will never disappear or be part-time in their lives. We are a family, we belong together no matter what the name is.

A Picture is worth ...

No words I can bring myself to type. I know Connie, express myself but I just can not bring myself to do it.

So I think I will go to bed...

I am NOT a Neat Freak

Believe me I am NOT an neat freak but the clutter is just getting to me again. This happens once in a while and I work at decluttering but I never get it all done. Or at least it feels like it right now. BUT... Today I did some things. This morning a cleaned the kitchen, I mean really cleaned the kitchen. Like got down on my hands and knees and with a toothbrush and Clorox Cleanup and scrubbed the baseboards and shoe molding. It is 9 PM and I jut got through using the hand vac on the living room furniture and area rug. Had to get the cat brush out and go over it to get it really clean. But it looks good. My goal is to get on EBay and be able to sell stuff that is just sitting around here and whatever I money I make will go into redoing my bedroom. I want to paint it, get new light fixtures, change the pictures on the walls everything. It was a room Aaron and I shared, we never decorated it like we wanted it so I want a space of my own, my sanctuary at home and when I get it done, McKenna's room will be done and she will learn to sleep in her own bed. Not that I mind having a little bed buddy nor do I think that she will grown up scarred in some way because she is not sleeping in her own bed at 2 years old but it has to happen sometime.

One thing that was really great today is I got my garbage disposal fixed! YEA, now I can shine my sink (the Flylady will be so proud!). Archie the Bug Guy came by to help me remove all the stuff from under the house so that the rest of the moisture barrier could be put down. While he was here I happened to tell him about trying to fix the disposal. Before he left he asked if he could help and take a look at the garbage disposal. It was jammed by a little paint brush twisted in the blades AND three baby anoles were living in it!!! How and the world did they get in there. Archie the Bug Guy said they some in through the pipes. I am glad the disposal was not working the little guys had a place to live for a little while. But anoles in my garbage disposal. SO WEIRD!

He speaks through friends and poems

If you read my entry posted earlier today, you will see how uncanny this is. My dear Friend and other spritual energy and support was up in the early hours of the morning too and she was writting. Janis woke with a poem on her heart, got up, typed it out and brought it to me. Janis, I hope you do not mind but it is too beautiful not to share and He spoke clearly to you about me.

Be still and know that I am God

That's what the Bible says

And yet what time do we have

We work, we play, we plan

We rush around as if our lives

Are measured by our deeds

And that success is not complete

Until at all we succeed

When will we tryly realize

Our lives are measured by our step

The steps to God not other things

Is what will make success

We do not have the time we say

To be still and know He's God

And yet so many other things

Can take that time away

He wakes us in the nighttime

He speaks through a friend

And yet we rush, we plan, conceive

Our lives no thought of Him

Be still and know that I am God

That's what the Bible says

So now's our time to listen

To what He's saying deep within

Those wounds so deep they fester

Those hurts we hold on to

He wants to cleanse, He wants to dress

Put salve and heal anew

"Don't touch!" we cry as children

"It hurts - leave it alone"

His patience is amazing

As He loves us through the pain

He does not want our hearts to rot

But to be new again

Be still and know that I am God

Lord help me now I pray

For it is you I truly want

To lead me through this day

I cannot make it all alone

But as I walk with you

I know you will bring others

To help me make it through

Be still and know that I am God

That is the way to start

To tryly stop and listen

To heal my broken heart

So bring your salve for healing

Bring oinment for my soul

Open eyes to see you

As you cleanse me deep within

The pain that I have suffered

Will lead me to the path

That you have always seen for me

A healing that will last

Be still and know that I am God

That what I choose today

For you are all I truly need

All else will fade away

By Janis Crane

January 27, 2006

Food Fest That Does Not Fill

I left school today pretty much on autopilot. I had to go out to the church to pick up some edits on a training manual I am designing for them and was glad I had some place to go, do, be. I say I went on autopilot cause I did not even look up to speak, wave or smile at Connie in the office as I left and she is one of my favorite people, spiritual energy and support. Ever since Monday I have not had a minute that I did not think about him and there seems to be a hole in my heart again. Each time I think I have them filled ...

But today I drove where I needed to go and found that the thoughts were empty, things felt empty. So what do you do when things are empty? Fill them up! And I did with chips and chili and icecream... Rocky Road. Blew my points for the day! But a food fest like that does not fill that kind of emptyness. I miss him I thought. But then I reminded myself to slow down, what are your really thinking Beth? Is it that I miss HIM or the idea of him? OK, keep slowing down, put down the spoon dripping with icecream. What are you thinking? What is the idea? I miss feeling cared for, protected, the safeness a woman feels wrapped in the love of a man. OK we are slowing enough to work through this. I missed being taken care of. I miss my big brother. And then it slowed down enough to where the chili and icecream (no I was not eating them together), the chili and icecream fell away and I knew. I miss my dad.

I don't remember my dad. I did not have a dad to take care of me like Andy takes care of Shannon. So it is not really MY dad that I miss. I mean I really do not even know my dad. I missed having a dad. Learning and experiencing the love of a father's relationship and care and it left an emptiness that I long to fill. Food won't do it. Finding "any man" won't do it. I can not attempt to fill an emptiness with food just as I cannot attempt to fill the hole in my heart with love from other people. It has to come from me. There is a father that loves me. I have said it before, I just need to put it in the same autopilot program ... God is the father of my family and the husband in my heart. He is the father that will not leave me empty.

Please Don't Say, "I don't know how you do it"

Had a relatively full day today. I do not want to say busy just full. We had a workday at school which is always nice, no kids (sheepish grin) and I can "catch up" or "clean up". Catch up with talking to the other teachers, mainly Janis and Connie (yes, I know Connie, you are not a teacher -yet- you are in permanent detention in the office - bigger grin) and clean up the piles I have sitting around my classroom. I stole some work hours to work on a project for church. I had planned on spending about 2 hours in the afternoon reading for class, arranged for mom to pick up the kids but I ended up helping out Janis with a botched Power point she needed for a workshop. Did grab about 15 minutes of reading while waiting for Aaron to get to the counselor's office. Left there at 6:30 ran home, changed clothes and went to an openhouse of my lay counselor's/fabulous friend. Back home, McKenna and me in the shower, where after the shower as I dried her off she walked away into the living room where her sister was watching TV and told me she was wet. Yes, I know, she just got out of the shower. "No Mommy, I wet, I pee pee" We are not diaper trained yet and thank goodness I have hardwood floors except she was standing near my laptop. You get the picture. I attempted to read some more but fell asleep and yes, now I am up in the wee hours (she is sleeping with a pull up on, no pun intended there).

Yes, a full day and I did not fit into all I needed to but I got into it most of what I wanted. Being there for those I care about is top on my list. I do wish though people would not say, "I don't know how you do it" . Please do not make me question myself, I do that enough on my own. Am I there for the girls enough? Do I do enough? Should I be doing more? For some reason I have always felt like I was not doing enough. Where that comes from I am not sure. Yes, I work full time, go to school and have aspirations of getting this PhD. I am taking two classes this semester. Trying to make ends meet by taking on projects for the church and earning a little money. And Alyssa and McKenna always come first and I hope they never, never feel neglected. They are my #1 priority and life's work. I know people mean it as a statement of astonishment or maybe even a compliment but it makes me feel like I have bitten off more than they think I can chew. I really feel that way when my mom reminds me to be doing for Alyssa ( You gotta understand my mom and her relationship with Alyssa). You know how daughters and Mothers are. When moms remind or comment on what their daughters are doing it automatically feels like a criticism. Don't get me wrong. My mom is very helpful and supportive I think that that just is in the mother/daughter relationship.

But as for the "I don't know how you do it" I am going to hold on to the idea that I can and keep trying to schedule those hours to read and study. I want this for me and for the future. I will make it happen. Instead of hearing "I don't know how you do it" and making it a question, I choose to hear, "I know I can do it". I will be like the Winter Warlock and Just put one for in front of the other ....

He Listens!

Remember when I told you that Donna Partow, the speaker at the women's conference said you have to "get up and do!"? Well, I got up and did. I got up Sunday morning and went for a walk. I put my head phones on and Third Day sang me around the neighborhood. Interesting as I walked and listened to the music, I still could not focus my mind ... Imagine that about me. As I walked and talked (I think I talked in my head, with the music playing I could not hear myself audibly and none of my neighbors looked at me any more crazy than they already do so it must have been in my head) but anyway I talked. Sometimes I am not sure who I talk to, God or Aaron. Being that it is the one year mark and we still have not filed any legal separation papers or anything to cover McKenna I am stuck in the aggravation of his just quitting and the lack of moving forward in that area of my life. Just stuck but still not choosing a definitive action myself. Anyway, I was walking and talking and found myself playing those old tapes again. I want to help him, I want to fix things (not exactly the marriage just my perception of his misguided choices), I think he needs me. But you know what .... All those statements start with "I" and this is not about me. Aaron made his choices and they do not include me, our family together or him accepting responsibility, honoring promises and commitments or being the man I fell in love with (again, with those I statements ... not about me, not about me... accept his choices .. I think I have for the most part).

Anyway, the old tapes were playing and to stop them, I thought I need to be able to gather myself together, set the president for my day better and get into the habit of finding a quiet time with God in the morning just as I got up and did and went walking. But I have been struggling with that lately. Making the time to sit quietly with God and listen. And I wondered HOW? How do I do that? Couldn't someone give me steps to follow to make that happen. People, let me tell you HE LISTENS! I got to church this morning and we had a quest speaker and can you believe his message was 6 steps to creating quiet time with God and living it out! Now if that is not an answered prayer I have no idea what is. I asked for steps and I got them, just 6! How easy does it get? Well, ease has nothing to do with it, and convenience should not either. I have the 6 steps, now "get up do"! This is about me. He gave me the tools, now Beth, Get up and do!

When He speaks do I hear?

I went to a wonderful Women's Conference this past weekend at church. They have it every year called Pursue the Passion. This year's theme was Survivor and the speaker was Donna Partow - AWESOME! She spoke and laughed and cried, we all did. It is such a wonderful thing to be in the presence of the Lord with other women. The overwhelming support that is in the room for all of us who walk around with broken hearts or tedious days, the unspoken acceptance and understanding is inspiring. I went for the first time last year, it was the day the my brother helped move Aaron out of our house. I came home to a house that did not look the same, things were missing, gone. This year I got involed and volunteered. There were several messages Donna conveyed like the "Porcupine State of Mind". Ever been around those people that just got passionate about THEIR ideas and what has happened to them. Well they say the are passionate about it they are just aggressive about being heard and passing it of their "passion". Any way you can look at them and yes they a right and they have many good points but who wants to be around them?

She also said you have to "get up and do!". It is not enough to buy the books and the right outfit and the tapes etc ... you have to DO! Get up! Do! So simple yet so hard sometimes. What is it that God wants me to do?
I know that he speaks to me is various ways. I know that the feeling I got when I went to register for classes, the wonderful, right feeling I got was his way of speaking to me. But am I listening in other aspects of my life when he speaks? Why is it everytime I go into church, I hear the music and the message that it is speaking to me as if they are following me around in my life and down to my toes I want Aaron to hear these words experience the inspiration that I have felt in the past year. I feel that way everytime. Everytime. And I know I can not fix him, I know I can not help him, I know I can not do this for him. My head knows this, I wish someone would tell it to my heart because my spirit is hearing "do not give up on him" not as a husband, I do know that is over but as a man and a child of God. My heart and head and spirit are out of sinc and I am having trouble listening for me. There are many things I KNOW but they conflict with how I FEEL.

A year ago God tapped me on the shoulder and told my I was out of balance and that I needed to come home. I have been working my way there ever since. I am listening, please tell me how, I know he speaks all I need to do is hear.

Perceptions

I have said so many times that it could be my mantra, "Perception may not be reality but it is something you have to deal with." I have said that so often that it has taught me to look past what I think, feel or believe and look at how someone else might come to the perception they have (whether it is correct of me or not). You know, the old "two sides to every story". Can you see the two sides? This was very evident to me recently when a man I met online before Christmas came to a perception that was not a true reality but it was something I needed to deal with. We met through a Christian website and exchanged IMs and emails on the website, moved to personal emails and on to phone calls. There has been only a couple of days since Christmas that we have not spoken, in some form or fashion, sharing everything from mundane daily schedules to aspirations and philosophies of faith and how we both came to Christ. There was one stumbling block, pictures. The desire for and the lack of having them to send or actually digging through albums raising past memories to get them. See blog from January 7th. My new friend, who I had come to respect for his views about family and men taking responsibility (as you know I have not had great experiences with men in my life taking responsibility or cherishing family), was coming to the perception that because I was not sending the photos he requested, that I was hiding something and was not as forthcoming a person as he would like to be involved with. So he decided to end the "relationship" before it ever really got started. His perception was not reality but it was something I had to deal with. Defending myself and my actions, or lack of since I was not comfortable getting and sending the pictures for reasons I have explained (Jan 7th), was received, by him, as lame excuses and a challenge to his feelings. He felt as he did and that was that. I would never deny anyone their feelings no matter how misguided their perception was leading them. In his defense, he did apologize for pushing me to do something that was not on my heart to do, or something he thought/perceived was not on my heart to do. But in the same breath he was also sorry things did not "workout" for us and although he cherished my friendship and believes me to be a wonderful person, due to this issue, I was not someone he felt he could pursue a relationship with. A choice he made, that I respect on a perception that is not reality. I did comply with his numerous requests for pictures of me. I did not acknowledge how important this was to him even though I heard the numerous requests and I did not offer legitimate explanations to why I was not doing as he asked, simple a task as he might have perceived it to be. He viewed it as he was forthcoming and wanted me to know him and he sent me 11 pictures. It was confusing and frustrating to him that I did not want him to know me too, so he thought, even though we talked several times a day sharing intimate parts of our lives and selves. Or I believe this is how he perceived it. I have to wonder if he has stopped to see that what he was doing, might be doing, is ending a relationship before it had the chance to start because I was not doing something he wanted me to do. He would say the perception is not reality..... But isn't it something you should deal with or at least consider?

Today is January 15th. One year ago today my husband of only 1 year and 10 months left our family and marriage because he had the perception that he was broken and needed to fix himself. If there is two sides to every story and a that is something I have definalty been left to deal with maybe there is a mirror perception that because he left his family and marriage before it was given a real chance to start and "workout" that is when he became broken. The only thing I know to do now is to pray for him. Christ's grace and mercy will be the only thing that will truly fix him.

Despite the events of a year ago and in another perception BECAUSE of the events that of a year ago today, I have wonderful things to do today. I will tell you about them after they have unfolded their grace and mercy upon me!

May God bless you in all your perceptions and help you to understand if they are reality or just something you have to deal with!

Beneath The Layers

I have been reading a book that was recommended to me called, Why Do I Love These People. There is a passage that I had to read several times. Have you ever heard or read something that makes you feel that that person is speaking directly to you? Or in this case wish someone was listening that needed to hear these words. The author was describing a passage he read in a book about Buddhism and how it effected him. It has a domino effect with me. It said something like this ....

The passage insisted that believing we are broken is a mistaken perception of our true nature. We are all, it went on, inherently virtuous and noble, but time covers us with layers and layers of experience. We often act badly, for the world is confusing. We are often hurt, because others get confused too. We hurt others because of our confusion. When we look in the mirror, when we build a metal image of ourselves, we see only these layers upon layers. We conclude that 'I am not a good person". But we are mistaken. This is not our true nature. Inside us all, under all those layers, despite years and years of neglect, there is still a virtuous and noble person waiting to be let out. We don't become good people. We simple cease to be deluded by the layers.
This reminds me that the start to a better life is not out there somewhere, out there is in the freak-show universe of spiritual guides, but rather, that the start of a better life was my own goodness and it was already inside me. Is had been there all along, under all those layers. Waiting for me. I just had to calm down, stop looking everywhere else for the answers and start letting it out.
This is about choosing the principles upon which we build our lives. This is about what we find fundamentally essential. With stakes this high, isn't it worth considering that we have let our bad experiences cloud out the good ones; that we night treat one another badly, but we are still good people; that there is an emotional inner life inside each of us no matter what we see on the outside...

Words of Po Bronson worth sharing.

Where Did THAT Come From?

Well, I started back to school today. The bus picking up the kids from school was late so I got to class about 20 minutes late. I had told my professor that there was a possibility of that happening, he seemed to understand. So, I walk in late and am faced with a sea of very young faces. It is a graduate level course but undergrads can take it, us grads just have to a little extra in class. We spent the majority of the class meeting and greeting each other. There are 35 in the class and we had to interview the person sitting near us and the introduce them to the class, typical icebreaker kind of activity. Then we went over the syllabus. One of our graded assignments will be to do a reflection at the end of each class. He did not require us to do a reflection at the end of today's class but since I was hanging out to read and study before meeting my mom and the girls for dinner I wrote one. This is what came spilling out of my pen when I started to write on January 11th....

5 years ago on this day, I reconnected with a dear friend of mine, someone I had admired since I was a kid in high school. The fire and chemistry between us had stayed hidden for years but was released in a passion of which neither of us had ever known before. A knight in shining armor, even riding a white horse, well at least a white car. A man that I had always held in my heart for more than 18 years. A man that I had an unexplainable connection with from the day I met him. I believed him when he said that there were times a feeling came over him and it was my face he saw. We spent time together trying to remain "just friends" building on that connection that was constantly fueled by chemistry. It had been over 6 years since we had spoken or seen each other and he coined the phrase "No disappearing" not from each other, not from our lives, not from our friendship. It took a long time for us to have our "first date" . My knight in shining armor was now becoming my soulmate. He wanted love, commitment, family, security. We talked, spent time, listened, cherished and honored each other.

We married with our friends and family around us. Our blended family of children beside us and the miracle of a child that would bind the two families together as one, biologically and spiritually, on the way. A beautiful little girl that was ours. All of ours together. Now, blended families are not easy. 2nd marriages are not easy. The economy is never easy and it takes its toll, especially on a man who defines himself on how he can provide or not provide but I was committed, ready to honor and cherish all of us together knowing it would not be easy. Unfortunately that was not always clear to him. There were ups and downs and good times and not so good times in the time to come.

1 year ago on January 11th I received a gift from a dear friend, a silly pair of slippers he sent me as a surprise and in support of what I was doing at school. It came with a note that was signed I love you, KISA. That same night we had another "first date" to reconnect. We were like high school kids at dinner, talking, touching, the chemistry and passion resurfacing. A dozen roses waited for me in my car as we left the restaurant to go to a movie. At the movie we were again like kids, sitting in the back row, a place I have never sat. Kissing, touching, the chemistry and passion between two people that promised to never disappear.

4 days later he was gone.

Today is January 11th and I have started a new part of my life looking forward. The passion and the chemistry will be in my memories. The connection deep in my heart as it has always been. My knight in shining armor has gone away to slay his own dragons in his own silence. Escaping to find peace as he chases the wind. Fear not an endlessness, my knight in shining armor will be pulled from the wreckage of his silent reverie one day. Just as our beautiful little girl will grow, life will go on because there is no disappearing from life.

You will always be in my heart, Aaron, I will always hold you in regard as a knight in shining armor hoping you find what you are looking for with Godspeed, and I have to wonder, what happens to the connection as we say ...Good Bye.

If you know me, you know how I feel about the words "Good Bye".