In my Family Crisis class we were talking about how society has changed and how that has changed the dynamics of the family. Part of out discussion was the roles family members have and how that has also changed. Alfred Adler developed the theory of birth order but of course that was in the early 1900's when family and marriages were not as disposable as they are now. We talked about what happens to children when parents get divorced or remarried and have other children. This happened in my family. I have one child that is a Broadhurst when I became a Webb. Did she feel like she did not belong in our family because there were 5 Webbs and she had a different last name? I would hope that it is more the relationship, time and support that we shared that made her belong and not that name. She talked about changing her name but not necessarily to Webb. I do not remember if she wanted Webb or my maiden name Hawk. You can see how much of an issue it was to me. I hope it was not much of an issue to her. I wonder how hurtful it was to Aaron that I did not take his name legally immediately upon getting married? It was a choice made out of , for lack of a better word, protection of me. He filed bankruptcy before we got married and we were trying to keep the creditors from coming after me, the house, etc. In all other purposes I was Mrs. Webb and proud to be. Keeping Broadhurst for a little while had absolutely nothing to do with my former husband. I do not know if it bothered him if Alyssa's friends mistakenly called him Mr. Broadhurst. He was always introduced to them as Aaron. I suppose name does have a lot to do with finding your place in a family. It is definitely a visual and auditory reminder of the changes that have taken place in the family structure. Even now, I do feel somewhat of a woman without a name. I was in the process of changing my name legally and on credit cards, bank accounts, etc. when Aaron left. Some places I am Webb, some I am Broadhurst and still others I am Broadhurst-Webb. People ask me if I am going back to my maiden name. No, I am not really a Hawk by name anymore. I say that mainly because I have a family of my own now. I have two daughters. The three of us are a family. One child is a Broadhurst, one a Webb by name. I will chose to be, for lack of a better word, inconvenienced. So when Aaron gets the divorce he wants, I choose to be Broadhurst-Webb. It has absolutely nothing to do with my former husbands and everything to do with
my family, my children. They will know where they belong because of the time, love, support, interest, understanding, care, that their mother will give them and the confidence that I will never disappear or be part-time in their lives. We are a family, we belong together no matter what the name is.
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You know the more I thought about this post, the more I thought about this post. I think in the future you will find less and less name changing with marriages. I see it among professionals where the wife retains her maiden name in order to be able to keep her professional identity (which may have taken years to build). More interesting I think name changing shows commitment, "the two becomming one", which seems to be lacking in a lot of relationships among younger people. I have a friend who is a college counselor. She tells me the younger people seem genuinely afraid of commitment. They form groups (loosely based on the show Friends) where there is more of a free flowing of relations betweeen the group members, sexual and otherwise, with the partners breaking off relations if they start to become too close. I wonder if it is a reaction to the fact that most of these young adults had to life through their parents divorces and remarriages? My parents and my wife's parents were only married once. We have each been married twice. Can our children expect to be married three times, or four? Or maybe they will choose not to marry at all but end up hopelessly searching for something which can only be found with commitment. You see similar situations with property in marriages. This is mine, that is his, this is ours. And the number of prenuptual agreements is way up so I am told. I guess for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part must seem awfully old fashioned today.
-The SewDoc
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