It'll Drive You Crazy - UPDATE

Just so you know ... I was told that the title and tags of the car were transferred. I was supposed to receive the old tag when he brought McKenna back on Sunday. But he did not come to get her for the weekend because he did not have money to put gas in the car and come get the kids. I suppose I could go check with DMV to make sure it really happened but I would rather be positive and have faith. Call me an idiot but I am not going to let negetivity and pessimism get to me and run my life. Now, I know... what about the taxes ... I will let you know how that turns out.

OH! and to let you know, a check arrived in the mail Saturday to cover his part of the car insurance that will draft out on Monday the 1st. :)

Just Call Me Edward Scissorhands

It occurred to me that I write in this blog when something dramatic is happening. I refuse to give into the drama. There is way too much of it anyway. So as I am getting my life back in order and healing, I am making strides in the more mundane areas of life too.

About to finish the semester and am disappointed in myself but am going to have to take an incomplete on the Independent Study I am doing along with the class. The class went really well. I enjoyed it very much. I know Independent studies are not my thing, just like I could never work from home. Way to many distractions and I am not self disciplined enough. I have to have someplace to go and deadlines to meet. I work better that way. I am still trying to get as much gym time in ... Hey Chet ... 6 more pounds! And I am as active as ever at church. I was just asked to be on the Hospitality team and will be greeting on the 4th Sunday of each month and also be serving on the communion team. This past Saturday was Serves Up where our church was working with 19 different agencies volunteering and helping out. The girls and I went to the Zoe House on 4th street. It is a house for women trying to stay off drugs and a place to keep them off the streets. We were there fixing their yard, built a picnic table etc. I trimmed all their bushes and cleared the vines off the fence. It inspired me.

At home I trimmed all my bushes. I have lived here 5 years and do not think I have ever trimmed the bushes. But I did this weekend. Mowed the yard and Wednesday I plan to drag everything from my back yard that makes it look like Sanford and Son live here. Thursday is trash day. I do not want to make my neighbors suffer too long with all the junk at the street. But the yard is shaping up. The house is shaping up. I am shaping up. And in turn life is shaping up!

It'll DRIVE you Crazy

In January the car insurance drafted out of my account. Aaron did not have the $$ to pay me at the time and it came back NSF. The insurance company gave me until Feb 6 to get it taken care of. Aaron got his part to me Feb 10th after he got paid but on the 6th I walked into the insurance agency to give them a check. Sorry ... they needed cash or a cashiers check. It was 5:15, no way was I going to get to the bank and back in time. So, my agent pulled the money out of his pocket, CASH, paid it and I paid him so the insurance would not lapse. Now, I know you are thinking, why is Aaron having to give me money for the car insurance. Well, yes he did buy the car from me last summer but asked if he could stay on the insurance because he could not get a cheaper policy. So he is on my policy.

Saturday, April 22, I get a card in the mail that I must relinguish my tags as there was a lapse in insurance February 6th. So, down to the insurance agancy I go, get the FS1 form to prove to DMV there was not lapse. I go to DMV with the form. And she asks me, which car is this for. I siad their is only one car in my name. She said no I have two here. Please do not tell me one of them is a Nissan. Yep! And still in my name. He has the title but has not changed it over. And the tags of the Nissan are expired. I have to have the tag removed before I can remove the insurance. I can not have the tag removed without either physically removing it from his car or the title and tags switching over. Yes, I talked to him about it. He said he would take care of it tomorrow.

Do I need a license to be driven crazy?

Explore & Dream

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream."(Mark Twain)


I find this to be so, so true. I look upon my life and the things I have done. Pretty cool things I suppose. In my jobs as Director of Education for two major zoo/aquariums. Worked for NASA and helped write a book and 2 online interactive programs for them (Echo the Bat & Amelia the Pigeon). Spent time in the Soviet Union when it was still named that and was almost bought by a Moor to be a wife in his harem. Sailed across the Baltic Sea, had James Bond 007 knock me down on the sidewalk is Stockholm. I have played basketball with dolphins and given a bath to a rhinoserous. I watched the space shuttle take off live and on the grounds of Kennedy Space Center. I have experienced life growing inside me twice, two miricles of life. I have found Christ and placed Him at the center of my heart and still in awe daily at what he sacreficed for me.

But I have never been genuinely in love. In an equal, healthy, supportive, accepting, loving relationship. But I will not be disappointed. I believe. I have hope that it will come. And when it does, I will know it because I will not be scared or aprehensive. He will guide me as he has guided me this past year + and given me friends that deepen my heart and heighten my life. I am so blessed and grateful. Time is on my side to explore and dream all that He has in store for me.

Her Decision or Delusion?

Well, I got my response from Sue. Of course this is after she called me to see if I was going to get the children this weekend (I found out later she needed a babysitter for Saturday Night - fine I have no problem helping out). She is more than willing for them to be with me IF I come and get them and bring them home. I was afraid that she would not like my response about meeting half way instead of agreeing to her terms of "you want to see my kids you come get them" that she would retaliate using the children as the weapon of choice as she has done to Aaron many times.
It is sad really.

I wrote:
Susan,
I just got an email from Steven. He will be getting Alyssa Saturday early evening so she will be here for some of the weekend. I appreciate you offering me your weekend and will gladly help you out with the kids since you need a babysitter for Saturday night anyway.

I understand your feelings about it being Aaron's responsibility to come to Cary to get the kids but I am not Aaron and feel we can compromise on behalf of Katie and Chris. I will gladly meet you half way wherever you designate on Friday or Saturday and again on Sunday. The precedence that you feel you need to set is just that, something you want to set for you ... it does not really have anything to do with Katie or Chris's benefit. I do not mean to upset you or challenge your choice with Aaron, that precedence I agree with you on. You are Katie and Chris's mom and I will respect whatever choice you make whether to compromise and work together for the kids to be able to see McKenna and Alyssa or not. You are their mom and the decision maker. We always love having them and they are welcome anytime. I would never presume to ask you to come all the way to Greenville as I feel it is fair to meet you because I am grateful to see the kids and take care of them while you and Michael get time together at the theater.

Let me know if you would like to meet Friday (anytime) or Saturday (Morning or evening - I have to take McKenna to a bday party sometime Sat. - where is that invitation?) and the time. I hope we can work something out.
Give our love to Chris and Katie

Her decision
Beth,
I feel that there is a definite tug of war going on; One that both the children and I are involved in.
I believe that it would be best if since the children got to know you through their father, that if they want to see you, they need to deal with him on that as well. It is a tragic situation, true, but separation and divorce do happen and "families" are torn apart.
I need to preserve my family and my children's relationship with their father, grand father and Aunt. That in itself is a lot of responsibility.
If Aaron feels that he needs to preserve Katie and Chris'a Relationship with you and Alyssa as well, I have NO problem with that, but as their father, he needs to make that call, not me.
Yes it will be hard to explain to Katie and Chris the reality of the situation, but I hope in time they will understand. When you and Aaron were together, you were a part of their lives because you were his wife. Now that is no longer so. I believe in my heart that continuing to foster a relationship will only hurt the children more. It will only confuse them more, and make things more difficult in the future.
It is time to move on, let go, cry a little, mourn, and start to deal with what is here and now.
I am sorry if this hurts you, I mean you no ill will. I hope you know that. But my children are living and trying to grasp at a past that no longer exists. They have come to accept Aaron's and my divorce, and know that is reality, a separation must be made somewhere and I think this is the place.
If the children wish to see you and Alyssa that is fine, but they will have to go through their father.

Where did half of this come from? Does not really matter, I will continue to say, "you can not get a rational response from and irrational person" Please forgive me for praying for the children only.

Will A Man Ever Ask This?

I had someone ask me recently, if I could just share my thoughts, right outload, nothing to lose, what wouls I say I wanted in a relationship/mate? I am afraid that my list would consist of things I know I don't want learned from relationships past. I have a new life and a new relationship based on Christ's love for me ... what would my list look like now? Everytime I hear this song I think, "Will a man ever say that about me?" That I would want.


Well you know it's not the first time
And it will not be the last
When You find me here on my knees
Praying for the storm to pass
But what I am really needing
Is much more than just relief
I am crying out for wisdom
Only You can give to me
Cause it's such a mystery
I'm a clueless man When it comes To knowing how to love a woman
How do I love her?
How do I let her know she means more than anything to me?
How do I love her?
Out of all the gifts You've given
Besides the very gift of life
There is none as precious to me
As the treasure of my wife
And still all the love in my heart
Is like a raindrop to the sea
When compared to Your love for her
And thats why I ask You please
Will You teach me what she needs
I'm a earnest man When it comes To learning how to love this woman
Well I know it's gonna to take a lifetime
To answer this prayer I pray
But that's okay Cause I've given You and her my lifetime anyway
Won't you tell me, tell me please

Stephen Curtis Chapman

Selfish & Parent - how can somone be both and live with themselves?

Beth,
I am sorry we are not able to work things out for this weekend. However,If you can pick up the kids and drop them off next weekend, I will give youmy weekend, and you can see the kids.
Let me know.
Susan

I received this email two days after the drunken phone call. I know what I would like to say but I know I will risk her not liking what I have to say and using the children to get back at me. Experience tells me that she not work with me again for them to see their little sister on events that are with my family. The children lose and that is not what I want. Her "presedence" is all about her, not what is nice or good for the kids. Am I just not looking at things realistically? 'Cause how I see this is as a mother being insecure and selfish and neither are good for the children. I feel bad for them, what they have been through and deal with. But I understand it is my perception that I view it with and I hope I am wrong.

Any advice on how to respond?

Kids Get in Your Heart Despite Their Parents

I have to remember that you can not expect a rational response from an irrational person. And certainly not when they are drunk.

This started by my asking Aaron if he had the kids for Easter. It falls on "his weekend". He would have to check with his X, their mom and see if he was going to be allowed them on that weekend. I said if he did have them, would he consider leaving Katie and Chris with me when he brought McKenna back on Saturday. They could be here, have Easter (you know color eggs, make baskets, Easter Bunny the whole deal) with us, go to church, then meet up with the rest of the family for a big egg hunt and ball game. I would then take them back to their mom. They live in Cary past Raleigh. I was surprised to hear from him days later that he did have the kids and I could take them on Easter. Great the Easter Bunny hopped into action, basket goodies etc. This will be fun.

Well, I got a familiar call from Aaron. He was not going to be taking the kids this weekend cause he was going to work. He could not pass it up it was Holiday pay. So I had to find someone to take care of McKenna on Good Friday cause the day care is closed and I was left to deal with his X on how to orchestrate the weekend.

She and I played phone tag most of Thursday afternoon. We finally talked at about 4:30 PM. Katie and Chris want to come to my house so all is go with the weekend. Well, until I said, great when is it convenient for us to meet half way on Saturday. She won't meet half way. She does not with Aaron and she will not set that kind or precedence with me. I can not carve 4 hours out of Saturday to go and get them and bring them back. My college roommate is coming in from VA. Alyssa has friends coming over to work on a project for school, we have lots to do. I was in the middle of setting up for the Maundy Thursday Passover Dinner for 300+ people at the church when I spoke to her and told her I would see what I could do. She said they were going to their church and Katie and Chris were taking their first communion. She had bought them a corsage and boutineer for it and it was going to be great. I was a bit distracted cause I was really swamped helping to get ready for the dinner. We hung up with them going to their church for the first communion, me getting ready for our dinner and trying to figure out what I could do to go get the kids on Saturday.

We got home from the Passover about 9:30. By 10:something I wrote her an email saying I was very sorry I just did not have a way to get the whole way to Cary and back. I was expecting for Aaron do bring them here blah blah blah. At 11:something I get a phone call. "You didn't call me back. I waited to hear from you and you didn't call me back. We didn't go to church for communion cause we were waiting to hear from you. This is not going to happen... And blah blah blah." She was DRUNK! In the blah blah blah was "this is weird, I am dealing with my husbands Exwife seeing my kids" (um... Isn't he her X-husband and Michael is the fiance of 4 years that she has yet to marry but they live together? And last the legal stuff said, I was Aaron's wife - but I did not split those hairs) Drunk! "Not setting a different precedence, you want to see my kids you come and get them, Katie has tears streaming down her face asking me Mom just this once meet her half way, NO! I will not alter my precedence" Blah Blah Blah! "Aaron's says he does not understand why you want them anyway, he says you resented the kids cause they already had a mother" (I never resented them cause they had a mother, I resented that their mother used the kids to cause problems for me and Aaron).... Blah Blah Blah... "He says you never wanted to be with them before but I have all this stuff at my house with their hand prints, crafts you made with them, things you did with them, but they don't need a lot of stuff, they just need you to spend time with them, be a mom. It is going to stop here. I will not change my precedence, you want to spend time with my kids, you come and get them." I calmly listened because you can not expect a rational response from an irrational person. And certainly not when they are drunk.

But they are kids. I know I will never be a huge part of their lives. I do not want to be their mom ,they have one. I am their step mom til our divorce is final butonly in title I suppose. But they are kids and you do not abandon kids. As long as they know I am here and that I care about/love them, then that is really all that matters. I have NO ulterior motive. Honestly and truthfully, it was just to offer Katie and Chris the opportunity to go on and egg hunt and to a ballgame. The same opportunity I offered my friends Lisa, Cathy, and Katherine and their kids. They are just kids and deserve better than what their parents are giving them. Well, it is not meant to be better, just something nice with people who care about them that they would enjoy. Despite their parents who have hurt my heart, it is not about me, it is purely just for them.

I am Fluffy not Fat!

And hopefully will be less and less fluffy! Working at it. Counting calories. Working out 3-4 times a week - more if I can get there. I drink anywhere from 64 - 116 onces of water a day and I keep a positive attitude! I feel really good. Life is GOOD! especially since I lost 8 lbs in the past 11 days. Hey Chet, I am gonna be as successful as you!

Watch me disappear in the next several months. I will keep the fluffy personality but not the fluffy figure!

If It Ain't One It's the Other

I can not seem to have a schedule that works without a husband, or X-husband wanting a change. X#1 sent an email about spring break. He forgot about the holiday and break and wants Alyssa to come be with him over Easter and not the week he usually has with her. He phrases the email, "I need you to be flexible". As if this does not happen, just as he wants, it will be my fault. Darn those old tapes in my head. "It is your fault Beth, it is your responsiblity to make it work out for everyone. You are the bad, selfish one of you do not comply." BUT I AM NOT! I AM NOT! I know this and I am believing it more and more but sometimes the "this is not how it is supposed to be" out weighs the "this is reality, deal with it best you can" and it, I don't want to say hurts but it does not feel OK. But it will. It will and the girls and I will continue to be better than OK.

X2B has been very quiet lately. Ever since the "Drain the well dry" email I have not heard anything from him. Distance, this is good, distance will help the healing. And I am healing. We all are. Life is good!

Draining the Well Dry

Well, I did it again. I tried to help someone who is not interested in "help" per se but more just getting what they want. See previous entries to get a better idea, "Cost of Love" and "Bagage Claim"In trying to help out with a payment someone would have to make if I did not help them, I in turn get told I am a liar and gold digger. I don't know judge for yourself ...

Beth,

I have no issue with filing MFJ and setting the dates as needed. My only issue is you taking over daycare. Having checked again with CSE,and remember, these are only guildlines, not the "real thing", my support payments would be well above and beyond what I currently pay for daycare. That being said, I would rather me maintaining daycare payments. You would still be able to take the tax break, so no change there. I've just seen to many moms out there driving new cars and living in bigger houses, all because of the increase the dads have to pay, and we then wind up living in squalor. I don't believe that you taking over payments is a means of distancing yourself, as that can'thappen as long as we have a child together. I do think, however, that it is a means to drain the well dry, and what good am I to the children if I can't afford to live at least decently??

Please re-think your decision.
Thanks,
A

My response:

Drain the well dry? You think my decision to take over day care is so that I can drain you of resources you are already tight on? Are you kidding me? What in the past 15 months or the past 5 years of us as a couple or even knowing me for the past 20 years would ever give you the idea that I am trying to get money out of you? Is it that I have helped you out when you lost your jobs and needed a place to stay? Was it that I never asked you to make more money and get a better job but instead told you do the job you like or go back to school if you want. Was it that I never pushed Steven for more money or took the money that Alyssa actually deserves that would give you a history of experience that shows you I am out for draining the well dry? Is it that I have met you half way or even helped out by bringing the kids to you? Paid the car insurance on time and did not fuss for the payment? Maybe it is that I am trying to help you out with the taxes so that you will not have to pay the IRS and forego child support that is owed to McKenna. I did these things and asked for nothing.

When? When have I ever asked you for money? When have I not tried to be understanding and generous? Of course you have no issue with filing taxes and readjusting the dates ... it bails you out again. And on that note, when have I ever held it over your head the times I have helped you? I already told you, I want nothing of you. I have been honest, patient and understanding. You broke my heart. Your decision has left yet one more little child to grow up with no full time Daddy and a broken promise that her parents would always be together and never do that to her. My best friend abandoned me and I told him I understand and have tried to be supportive in everyway I know how. I was genuinely truthful with you when I said it was an attempt to distance myself from you and move on to realistically take care of McKenna by myself and you in essence call me a liar. It is not me that wants more money, lies to you, cheats on you or belittles you ... it never has been and never will be. You are McKenna's father. My best friend and husband died standing on our deck holding papers saying he was being sued by the actual woman who did demand money, lie, cheat and belittle him and I am NOT her! Never have been. NEVER will be. Contrary to what you think women do with child support, I personally KNOW that it is NOT for ME ... it is for MCKENNA!

Buy a new car .... get a bigger house .... drain the well dry? Just spit in my face Aaron. You have either forgotten or chose to be clouded but you do not know me at all. You have no money but it sure has you so tight you can not even see good things in front of you. But you will spit in their face.

Beth

Just to let you know I have received no response to this but our accountant received his information to file our taxes.

Stolen Words

I stole these words from a couple whose relationship I admire greatly. I really hope you do not mind. In light of everything with Aaron, our common ground will always be McKenna. Thank you Andy for reminding me what is really important.

I think a sign of maturity is realizing that no one will ever agree with you 100% of the time, nor can you be expected to agree with family and friends 100%.The thing to learn is that you dont cut off family and friends 100% because you dont always see eye to eye.You just 'agree to dissagree' and come together where you do agree. Enjoy the other person where you do have common ground and dont bring up the stuff where you know you will disagree.So may people think a relationship has to be all or nothing. Thats such a shame and we all miss out on a lot of good times and a lot of love.When you demand 'all or nothing' in a relationship you will probably be left with 'nothing'And thats so very sad for all concerned. --Andy W.

Hey Mr & Mrs Andy W -- I love you!

Baggage Claim

OK I have had it. I am left holding the freakin bag all the time. I get to be the one to raise the children on my own, I get to answer their questions when they ask why, I have to figure out how these bills get paid, I have to figure out who gets to go where and how I can get them there - forget that maybe I would like to be able to do something like go work out for an hour a few times a week but I have to make sure the kids are cared for, the bills are paid, the house is taken care of, the laundry done, and the list goes on and on and I am expected to do it by mmyself with no grumblings what so ever. Now he asks about filing taxes. Well, hell! I get left holding that bag too. I can not file Head Of Household cause he will file Married Filing Separate so I have to file that way. I am screwed if I file MFS because I make a lousy $3K more than what will allow me deductions to help out. Morally we can not file Married Filing Jointly cause we did not live 6 months of the year together and 50% of either of our incomes did not go to help the "household". But even if we did, his having to pay thousands of dollars is going to screw me too. I DID NOT ASK FOR ANY OF THIS!!!! I promised to love, honor, cherish, sickness and in health, richer for poorer yada yada yada and I DID!!! I have done this. No matter what I do I get screwed anyway!!!

The Cost of Love

Last week I went to church on our anniversary to talk with a friend about how I was feeling. I have been juggling many many balls, trying to keep all of them in the air and worried about dropping any of them but exhausted keeping them all going on my own. The finance ball seems to be the heaviest and the most difficult to keep going. I am hating to see the envelopes come from the bank where checks did not go through, and stuff is cut off because of it and I have to pay extra to get it all back on line when I am pinching the pennies to make it work in the first place which is why it is tough when checks and stuff do not fall the time Iplan for them to. Anyway, Mark and I sat for close to 2 hours talking. "You need to process Beth. You have spent the past year separated but trying to make sure everyone else is OK, is comfortable around you, it taken care of that you have not taken care of yourself and gone through the process. You need to process."
HOW? What are the steps to process?

Yesterday my question was answered. While in class, we were discussing crisis in families and the Life Strategy to work through it. Actual steps to take. Some I have already been doing but others I need to allow myself to do without feeling like I am being selfish. Gotta get rid of THAT old tape. YEA!!! Another step forward toward healing. Feeling good about this. On the right track. Thank you God for bringing this to me.

BUT...
There it is, infamous and dreaded but

When I left class and got to the car, there was a message on the phone. Aaron called to find out how I filed my taxes this year. To make a long story, that I have already told enough and do not need to dwell on, short ... he will end up having to pay several thousand dollars if he files single. He wants me to consider us filing as married filing jointly so he will get the dependent benefits.

The tapes in my head that say, "if you are able to help someone you should, don't be the selfish person some people have accused you of being." IF I run the numbers for me and find out what I should get back and then run them again together and will get as much or more, why not? I could use the money.

BUT
Dang, there it is again...

These are my questions:
If I do this, how does that effect my going to CSS and filing for child support that by law will be retroactive back to Janaury 15th , 2005 when he left?
If I do this, does it effect us filing for divorce?
He has chosen to live his life alone, if I do this and bail him out again, how is he living his life alone with the decision that he has made and painfully put us all through?
He has looked right at me and said, "I don't want you" along with several other (to use the counselors words) harsh things to distance himself from me, our marriage and family but now how is this following through with his choices?
Am I really helping him?

Stop the tapes, stop the balls ... I never wanted this in the first place.

Look Backwards or Look Forward

Well, if you know me like I hope you do, you know what I am going to choose.

I started to let today go by without a word. March 15th, The Ides of March. I should have known better than to marry on the Ides of March. If you asked me would I do it again? Would I have married Aaron three years ago today knowing what I know now? Call me an idiot or as he does, crazy, but yes, I would have. I was never so sure of anything as the day I married him. I had never wanted to see anyone so much as I did him when I saw him standing with our friends and family waiting for me. I was marrying my best friend. I believed that and I believe it today on our third anniversary. I just did not know at the time that lay offs, a bankruptcy, his ex-spouse sueing him and money matters was going to kill my best friend and leave a broken stranger in its wake. I was nieve enough to think that if we stood by each other we could get through anything. This to shall pass, it will not always be this way. I knew I would stand by him always, always. I just did not know he would not stand by him or us. He could not even stand byhimself on his own, hence his term of being "broken".

We finished our mediated parenting agreement yesterday ... happy anniversary to us. He said he will get it notarized and when it is signed he will file for a divorce. I thought about that today and what today means to me now. My husband died on our deck one afternoon when he was served with papers from his ex. It was the last straw. My husband died. My best friend died. And someone just trying to survive took his place. Survive like he did as a child, look the other way, hide from the bad, blame others and selfishly look out for himself cause he thought noone else would. His father had taught him well. I want to be married. I want a "traditional" family. I want a best friend to share my life with. I did not want to fail again. I did not want another of my children's fathers to be a selfish child hanging on to grudges of days past. They deserve better. I do not want the Aaron that is left.

So how do I feel about today? Do not let the pain of yesterday determine your tomorrow. I am ok. I know I will be OK! The girls will be OK! I am afraid the he will not be. But if living your life, one day at a time, seeing your kids when you can afford to is being ok, then he strives to be OK.

Do not let the pain of yesterday determine your tomorrow. It is a new beginning. This too shall pass.

It's A Powerful Prayer

NAME IT and CLAIM IT, BELIEVE IT AND RECEIVE IT!!!!!!

Prayer by Bishop T.D. Jakes

"When you are DOWN to nothing ... God is UP to something"

Father, in the Name of Jesus, bless me even while I'm readingthis prayer and bless the one that sent this to me in a special way.
Open supernatural doors in our lives today.
Save and set free!
Give us a double portion of your Spirit as we take back everything that the devil has stolen: Emotional Health
Physical Health
Finances
Relationships
Children
Jobs
Homes
Marriages

I cancel every plot, plan and scheme the enemy has devised against us in the MATCHLESS NAME OF JESUS. And I declare: NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST US WILL PROSPER.

I speak LIFE into every dead situation. And, I thank you that nothing is over until YOU say it's over!

I speak prophetically into our lives and to our situations:
Our households are blessed;
Our health is blessed;
Our marriages are blessed;
Our finances are blessed;
Our businesses are blessed,
Our jobs are blessed;
Our children are blessed;
Our grandchildren are blessed;
Our parents are blessed;
Our siblings are blessed;
Our ministries are blessed; and,
Our decisions are blessed.

Husbands are on the way; Wives are on the way; Mortgages are paid and debts cancelled; Our hearts' desires are on the way; According to YOUR perfect will and plan for our lives.
YOU SAID YOU'LL NEVER FORSAKE US!

IN JESUS' NAME! AMEN!

Great Beginnings!

I was at McKenna's daycare and her teacher told me about a conversation that she over heard McKenna having at lunch yesterday. She said the McKenna was talking to Wesley and Said, "Wesley, would you like to go to church with me? Would you like to go to my church and see Jesus?" and Wesley said yes he would go to church with McKenna. Then McKenna turned to her little friend Claire and said, "Claire, would you like to go to church with me? Would you like to go to my church?" Claire told her no, that she goes to her own church and McKenna told her that that was good. 2 years old! 2 years old!!! It is so wonderful. McKenna loves going to church. She asked me last night if we could go to church. I am so hoping this is a great beginnings.

Did You Hear What You Said?

I often wonder if people actually listen to themselves when they are talking. I mean I know that many people do not listen to someone who is talking to them. They are often too busy in their own head thinking about what they will say next to listen to what is being said to them. But I am wondering, do people ever really listen to what their own mouth is truly saying?

I ask this cause just resently I heard some comments that were made and I found them to be pretty telling.

Out of the mouths of husbands.
I had some people at my house recently. When it was over, a couple that was there with their children were leaving. They had two young children with them. The husband asked if one of the children was still in the house. His wife aswered him, "I think so", He responded to her in front of me and others, "You better know so". If was degrating. Why would a toad of a comment come out directed at someone who is your partner in life? To what good would treating anyone like that be and what does that teach the children?

Out of the mouths of babes.
The same night, I over heard a 4 year old child ask her mother where my husband was. Her mother responded that I did not have one. The child's response was, "So McKenna does not have a Daddy?" Her mother told her yes, but that he lives in another town and McKenna visits him. The child then said, "That's not a Daddy. Real Daddy's would live wherever their kids are."

Sometimes I think I would choose to listen to what a child says. More pearls than frogs come out of their mouths.

Unsettled

I was reading blog entries of two people I have come to admire, respect and listen closely to when one site lead me to another and then to another and I came upon Prayforgreenville.org. Watching the animation left me unsettled. It is amazing but a bit more, I do not know I can not find the word for it . . . I am not sure, I just know I was unsettled about something. Maybe that was the purpose of the animation to unnerve people for the sake of Christ's coming. I am new in this walk and still learning and hope and know I will always be learning the rest of my life but I questioned if my faith was strong enough. Enough for what? I am not a radical, I am nonconfrontational and I am humbly grateful for the presence of the Holy Spirit that has saved me this past year and as I continue this walk I know will save me again and again. As you can tell I am having difficulty expressing the effect this site had on me. I can not decide if it is a good effect or not. Like I said, unsettled. Take a moment if you have one, visit this site. Tell me what you feel. Maybe by then I will have regained some of similence of expression.

It's MY party ...

My sister sent me an email the other day letting me know that she would be coming back to NC for my birthday but that it would be the weekend after my birthday because out brother David was having a birthday party for me and his girlfriend Misty. Our birthdays are close together. He also told her that he was coming to Greenville the weekend of my birthday to celebrate. OK so if you remember previous entrees (White Elephant among others) this divorce thing that Aaron wants makes family events sticky. At least in my mind and heart. I responded to my sister excited that she would be back but put in the email a question, "I hate to ask but do you think David is going to invite Aaron?" My sister responded that she hoped that David would know that since it is my birthday that he wouldn't invite him or at the least ask me first. In any case, she suggested that I make my desires known. That was her word, desires. What are my desires? At this moment in time I am not sure what my desires are. I guess my real desires is that none of this is really happening. That my family is not torn apart and that my relationship with my brother in not strained. Welcome to reality, it is and for what reason? Another good question.

Sometimes I feel like I am in competition with Aaron for David's time. That when he comes to Greenville for my birthday, that I have to entertain him and make the time more fun than what he might have with Aaron. I know, pretty silly but I am being honest. I guess I just feel so rejected. I feel like he has already chosen Aaron, that he has to deal with me cause I am his sister but that if I am fun and he has a good time with me he will want to inspite of me being his sister.

Well, I know you will say, Beth it is YOUR birthday, do what you want to! And I will . . . . . . . After I get an email response from him letting me know what his plans are. (sheepish wince)
Hey, I am making progress, just some habits are harder to move away from. This one is really hard cause David sees me as a selfish person, I guess cause I am the baby. You know the habit I am trying to move away from is to stop worrying about what others will think, try to accommodate others inspite of me .... I am trying to learn this! Really I am!