He speaks through friends and poems

If you read my entry posted earlier today, you will see how uncanny this is. My dear Friend and other spritual energy and support was up in the early hours of the morning too and she was writting. Janis woke with a poem on her heart, got up, typed it out and brought it to me. Janis, I hope you do not mind but it is too beautiful not to share and He spoke clearly to you about me.

Be still and know that I am God

That's what the Bible says

And yet what time do we have

We work, we play, we plan

We rush around as if our lives

Are measured by our deeds

And that success is not complete

Until at all we succeed

When will we tryly realize

Our lives are measured by our step

The steps to God not other things

Is what will make success

We do not have the time we say

To be still and know He's God

And yet so many other things

Can take that time away

He wakes us in the nighttime

He speaks through a friend

And yet we rush, we plan, conceive

Our lives no thought of Him

Be still and know that I am God

That's what the Bible says

So now's our time to listen

To what He's saying deep within

Those wounds so deep they fester

Those hurts we hold on to

He wants to cleanse, He wants to dress

Put salve and heal anew

"Don't touch!" we cry as children

"It hurts - leave it alone"

His patience is amazing

As He loves us through the pain

He does not want our hearts to rot

But to be new again

Be still and know that I am God

Lord help me now I pray

For it is you I truly want

To lead me through this day

I cannot make it all alone

But as I walk with you

I know you will bring others

To help me make it through

Be still and know that I am God

That is the way to start

To tryly stop and listen

To heal my broken heart

So bring your salve for healing

Bring oinment for my soul

Open eyes to see you

As you cleanse me deep within

The pain that I have suffered

Will lead me to the path

That you have always seen for me

A healing that will last

Be still and know that I am God

That what I choose today

For you are all I truly need

All else will fade away

By Janis Crane

January 27, 2006

Food Fest That Does Not Fill

I left school today pretty much on autopilot. I had to go out to the church to pick up some edits on a training manual I am designing for them and was glad I had some place to go, do, be. I say I went on autopilot cause I did not even look up to speak, wave or smile at Connie in the office as I left and she is one of my favorite people, spiritual energy and support. Ever since Monday I have not had a minute that I did not think about him and there seems to be a hole in my heart again. Each time I think I have them filled ...

But today I drove where I needed to go and found that the thoughts were empty, things felt empty. So what do you do when things are empty? Fill them up! And I did with chips and chili and icecream... Rocky Road. Blew my points for the day! But a food fest like that does not fill that kind of emptyness. I miss him I thought. But then I reminded myself to slow down, what are your really thinking Beth? Is it that I miss HIM or the idea of him? OK, keep slowing down, put down the spoon dripping with icecream. What are you thinking? What is the idea? I miss feeling cared for, protected, the safeness a woman feels wrapped in the love of a man. OK we are slowing enough to work through this. I missed being taken care of. I miss my big brother. And then it slowed down enough to where the chili and icecream (no I was not eating them together), the chili and icecream fell away and I knew. I miss my dad.

I don't remember my dad. I did not have a dad to take care of me like Andy takes care of Shannon. So it is not really MY dad that I miss. I mean I really do not even know my dad. I missed having a dad. Learning and experiencing the love of a father's relationship and care and it left an emptiness that I long to fill. Food won't do it. Finding "any man" won't do it. I can not attempt to fill an emptiness with food just as I cannot attempt to fill the hole in my heart with love from other people. It has to come from me. There is a father that loves me. I have said it before, I just need to put it in the same autopilot program ... God is the father of my family and the husband in my heart. He is the father that will not leave me empty.

Please Don't Say, "I don't know how you do it"

Had a relatively full day today. I do not want to say busy just full. We had a workday at school which is always nice, no kids (sheepish grin) and I can "catch up" or "clean up". Catch up with talking to the other teachers, mainly Janis and Connie (yes, I know Connie, you are not a teacher -yet- you are in permanent detention in the office - bigger grin) and clean up the piles I have sitting around my classroom. I stole some work hours to work on a project for church. I had planned on spending about 2 hours in the afternoon reading for class, arranged for mom to pick up the kids but I ended up helping out Janis with a botched Power point she needed for a workshop. Did grab about 15 minutes of reading while waiting for Aaron to get to the counselor's office. Left there at 6:30 ran home, changed clothes and went to an openhouse of my lay counselor's/fabulous friend. Back home, McKenna and me in the shower, where after the shower as I dried her off she walked away into the living room where her sister was watching TV and told me she was wet. Yes, I know, she just got out of the shower. "No Mommy, I wet, I pee pee" We are not diaper trained yet and thank goodness I have hardwood floors except she was standing near my laptop. You get the picture. I attempted to read some more but fell asleep and yes, now I am up in the wee hours (she is sleeping with a pull up on, no pun intended there).

Yes, a full day and I did not fit into all I needed to but I got into it most of what I wanted. Being there for those I care about is top on my list. I do wish though people would not say, "I don't know how you do it" . Please do not make me question myself, I do that enough on my own. Am I there for the girls enough? Do I do enough? Should I be doing more? For some reason I have always felt like I was not doing enough. Where that comes from I am not sure. Yes, I work full time, go to school and have aspirations of getting this PhD. I am taking two classes this semester. Trying to make ends meet by taking on projects for the church and earning a little money. And Alyssa and McKenna always come first and I hope they never, never feel neglected. They are my #1 priority and life's work. I know people mean it as a statement of astonishment or maybe even a compliment but it makes me feel like I have bitten off more than they think I can chew. I really feel that way when my mom reminds me to be doing for Alyssa ( You gotta understand my mom and her relationship with Alyssa). You know how daughters and Mothers are. When moms remind or comment on what their daughters are doing it automatically feels like a criticism. Don't get me wrong. My mom is very helpful and supportive I think that that just is in the mother/daughter relationship.

But as for the "I don't know how you do it" I am going to hold on to the idea that I can and keep trying to schedule those hours to read and study. I want this for me and for the future. I will make it happen. Instead of hearing "I don't know how you do it" and making it a question, I choose to hear, "I know I can do it". I will be like the Winter Warlock and Just put one for in front of the other ....

He Listens!

Remember when I told you that Donna Partow, the speaker at the women's conference said you have to "get up and do!"? Well, I got up and did. I got up Sunday morning and went for a walk. I put my head phones on and Third Day sang me around the neighborhood. Interesting as I walked and listened to the music, I still could not focus my mind ... Imagine that about me. As I walked and talked (I think I talked in my head, with the music playing I could not hear myself audibly and none of my neighbors looked at me any more crazy than they already do so it must have been in my head) but anyway I talked. Sometimes I am not sure who I talk to, God or Aaron. Being that it is the one year mark and we still have not filed any legal separation papers or anything to cover McKenna I am stuck in the aggravation of his just quitting and the lack of moving forward in that area of my life. Just stuck but still not choosing a definitive action myself. Anyway, I was walking and talking and found myself playing those old tapes again. I want to help him, I want to fix things (not exactly the marriage just my perception of his misguided choices), I think he needs me. But you know what .... All those statements start with "I" and this is not about me. Aaron made his choices and they do not include me, our family together or him accepting responsibility, honoring promises and commitments or being the man I fell in love with (again, with those I statements ... not about me, not about me... accept his choices .. I think I have for the most part).

Anyway, the old tapes were playing and to stop them, I thought I need to be able to gather myself together, set the president for my day better and get into the habit of finding a quiet time with God in the morning just as I got up and did and went walking. But I have been struggling with that lately. Making the time to sit quietly with God and listen. And I wondered HOW? How do I do that? Couldn't someone give me steps to follow to make that happen. People, let me tell you HE LISTENS! I got to church this morning and we had a quest speaker and can you believe his message was 6 steps to creating quiet time with God and living it out! Now if that is not an answered prayer I have no idea what is. I asked for steps and I got them, just 6! How easy does it get? Well, ease has nothing to do with it, and convenience should not either. I have the 6 steps, now "get up do"! This is about me. He gave me the tools, now Beth, Get up and do!

When He speaks do I hear?

I went to a wonderful Women's Conference this past weekend at church. They have it every year called Pursue the Passion. This year's theme was Survivor and the speaker was Donna Partow - AWESOME! She spoke and laughed and cried, we all did. It is such a wonderful thing to be in the presence of the Lord with other women. The overwhelming support that is in the room for all of us who walk around with broken hearts or tedious days, the unspoken acceptance and understanding is inspiring. I went for the first time last year, it was the day the my brother helped move Aaron out of our house. I came home to a house that did not look the same, things were missing, gone. This year I got involed and volunteered. There were several messages Donna conveyed like the "Porcupine State of Mind". Ever been around those people that just got passionate about THEIR ideas and what has happened to them. Well they say the are passionate about it they are just aggressive about being heard and passing it of their "passion". Any way you can look at them and yes they a right and they have many good points but who wants to be around them?

She also said you have to "get up and do!". It is not enough to buy the books and the right outfit and the tapes etc ... you have to DO! Get up! Do! So simple yet so hard sometimes. What is it that God wants me to do?
I know that he speaks to me is various ways. I know that the feeling I got when I went to register for classes, the wonderful, right feeling I got was his way of speaking to me. But am I listening in other aspects of my life when he speaks? Why is it everytime I go into church, I hear the music and the message that it is speaking to me as if they are following me around in my life and down to my toes I want Aaron to hear these words experience the inspiration that I have felt in the past year. I feel that way everytime. Everytime. And I know I can not fix him, I know I can not help him, I know I can not do this for him. My head knows this, I wish someone would tell it to my heart because my spirit is hearing "do not give up on him" not as a husband, I do know that is over but as a man and a child of God. My heart and head and spirit are out of sinc and I am having trouble listening for me. There are many things I KNOW but they conflict with how I FEEL.

A year ago God tapped me on the shoulder and told my I was out of balance and that I needed to come home. I have been working my way there ever since. I am listening, please tell me how, I know he speaks all I need to do is hear.

Perceptions

I have said so many times that it could be my mantra, "Perception may not be reality but it is something you have to deal with." I have said that so often that it has taught me to look past what I think, feel or believe and look at how someone else might come to the perception they have (whether it is correct of me or not). You know, the old "two sides to every story". Can you see the two sides? This was very evident to me recently when a man I met online before Christmas came to a perception that was not a true reality but it was something I needed to deal with. We met through a Christian website and exchanged IMs and emails on the website, moved to personal emails and on to phone calls. There has been only a couple of days since Christmas that we have not spoken, in some form or fashion, sharing everything from mundane daily schedules to aspirations and philosophies of faith and how we both came to Christ. There was one stumbling block, pictures. The desire for and the lack of having them to send or actually digging through albums raising past memories to get them. See blog from January 7th. My new friend, who I had come to respect for his views about family and men taking responsibility (as you know I have not had great experiences with men in my life taking responsibility or cherishing family), was coming to the perception that because I was not sending the photos he requested, that I was hiding something and was not as forthcoming a person as he would like to be involved with. So he decided to end the "relationship" before it ever really got started. His perception was not reality but it was something I had to deal with. Defending myself and my actions, or lack of since I was not comfortable getting and sending the pictures for reasons I have explained (Jan 7th), was received, by him, as lame excuses and a challenge to his feelings. He felt as he did and that was that. I would never deny anyone their feelings no matter how misguided their perception was leading them. In his defense, he did apologize for pushing me to do something that was not on my heart to do, or something he thought/perceived was not on my heart to do. But in the same breath he was also sorry things did not "workout" for us and although he cherished my friendship and believes me to be a wonderful person, due to this issue, I was not someone he felt he could pursue a relationship with. A choice he made, that I respect on a perception that is not reality. I did comply with his numerous requests for pictures of me. I did not acknowledge how important this was to him even though I heard the numerous requests and I did not offer legitimate explanations to why I was not doing as he asked, simple a task as he might have perceived it to be. He viewed it as he was forthcoming and wanted me to know him and he sent me 11 pictures. It was confusing and frustrating to him that I did not want him to know me too, so he thought, even though we talked several times a day sharing intimate parts of our lives and selves. Or I believe this is how he perceived it. I have to wonder if he has stopped to see that what he was doing, might be doing, is ending a relationship before it had the chance to start because I was not doing something he wanted me to do. He would say the perception is not reality..... But isn't it something you should deal with or at least consider?

Today is January 15th. One year ago today my husband of only 1 year and 10 months left our family and marriage because he had the perception that he was broken and needed to fix himself. If there is two sides to every story and a that is something I have definalty been left to deal with maybe there is a mirror perception that because he left his family and marriage before it was given a real chance to start and "workout" that is when he became broken. The only thing I know to do now is to pray for him. Christ's grace and mercy will be the only thing that will truly fix him.

Despite the events of a year ago and in another perception BECAUSE of the events that of a year ago today, I have wonderful things to do today. I will tell you about them after they have unfolded their grace and mercy upon me!

May God bless you in all your perceptions and help you to understand if they are reality or just something you have to deal with!

Beneath The Layers

I have been reading a book that was recommended to me called, Why Do I Love These People. There is a passage that I had to read several times. Have you ever heard or read something that makes you feel that that person is speaking directly to you? Or in this case wish someone was listening that needed to hear these words. The author was describing a passage he read in a book about Buddhism and how it effected him. It has a domino effect with me. It said something like this ....

The passage insisted that believing we are broken is a mistaken perception of our true nature. We are all, it went on, inherently virtuous and noble, but time covers us with layers and layers of experience. We often act badly, for the world is confusing. We are often hurt, because others get confused too. We hurt others because of our confusion. When we look in the mirror, when we build a metal image of ourselves, we see only these layers upon layers. We conclude that 'I am not a good person". But we are mistaken. This is not our true nature. Inside us all, under all those layers, despite years and years of neglect, there is still a virtuous and noble person waiting to be let out. We don't become good people. We simple cease to be deluded by the layers.
This reminds me that the start to a better life is not out there somewhere, out there is in the freak-show universe of spiritual guides, but rather, that the start of a better life was my own goodness and it was already inside me. Is had been there all along, under all those layers. Waiting for me. I just had to calm down, stop looking everywhere else for the answers and start letting it out.
This is about choosing the principles upon which we build our lives. This is about what we find fundamentally essential. With stakes this high, isn't it worth considering that we have let our bad experiences cloud out the good ones; that we night treat one another badly, but we are still good people; that there is an emotional inner life inside each of us no matter what we see on the outside...

Words of Po Bronson worth sharing.

Where Did THAT Come From?

Well, I started back to school today. The bus picking up the kids from school was late so I got to class about 20 minutes late. I had told my professor that there was a possibility of that happening, he seemed to understand. So, I walk in late and am faced with a sea of very young faces. It is a graduate level course but undergrads can take it, us grads just have to a little extra in class. We spent the majority of the class meeting and greeting each other. There are 35 in the class and we had to interview the person sitting near us and the introduce them to the class, typical icebreaker kind of activity. Then we went over the syllabus. One of our graded assignments will be to do a reflection at the end of each class. He did not require us to do a reflection at the end of today's class but since I was hanging out to read and study before meeting my mom and the girls for dinner I wrote one. This is what came spilling out of my pen when I started to write on January 11th....

5 years ago on this day, I reconnected with a dear friend of mine, someone I had admired since I was a kid in high school. The fire and chemistry between us had stayed hidden for years but was released in a passion of which neither of us had ever known before. A knight in shining armor, even riding a white horse, well at least a white car. A man that I had always held in my heart for more than 18 years. A man that I had an unexplainable connection with from the day I met him. I believed him when he said that there were times a feeling came over him and it was my face he saw. We spent time together trying to remain "just friends" building on that connection that was constantly fueled by chemistry. It had been over 6 years since we had spoken or seen each other and he coined the phrase "No disappearing" not from each other, not from our lives, not from our friendship. It took a long time for us to have our "first date" . My knight in shining armor was now becoming my soulmate. He wanted love, commitment, family, security. We talked, spent time, listened, cherished and honored each other.

We married with our friends and family around us. Our blended family of children beside us and the miracle of a child that would bind the two families together as one, biologically and spiritually, on the way. A beautiful little girl that was ours. All of ours together. Now, blended families are not easy. 2nd marriages are not easy. The economy is never easy and it takes its toll, especially on a man who defines himself on how he can provide or not provide but I was committed, ready to honor and cherish all of us together knowing it would not be easy. Unfortunately that was not always clear to him. There were ups and downs and good times and not so good times in the time to come.

1 year ago on January 11th I received a gift from a dear friend, a silly pair of slippers he sent me as a surprise and in support of what I was doing at school. It came with a note that was signed I love you, KISA. That same night we had another "first date" to reconnect. We were like high school kids at dinner, talking, touching, the chemistry and passion resurfacing. A dozen roses waited for me in my car as we left the restaurant to go to a movie. At the movie we were again like kids, sitting in the back row, a place I have never sat. Kissing, touching, the chemistry and passion between two people that promised to never disappear.

4 days later he was gone.

Today is January 11th and I have started a new part of my life looking forward. The passion and the chemistry will be in my memories. The connection deep in my heart as it has always been. My knight in shining armor has gone away to slay his own dragons in his own silence. Escaping to find peace as he chases the wind. Fear not an endlessness, my knight in shining armor will be pulled from the wreckage of his silent reverie one day. Just as our beautiful little girl will grow, life will go on because there is no disappearing from life.

You will always be in my heart, Aaron, I will always hold you in regard as a knight in shining armor hoping you find what you are looking for with Godspeed, and I have to wonder, what happens to the connection as we say ...Good Bye.

If you know me, you know how I feel about the words "Good Bye".

Men Disappear

Despite that it is not always the humorous or the excepted thing for women and men to actually try to understand each other, on the contrary there are hundreds of jokes out there and comics find easy material in making fun of the opposite sex, getting a laugh at the other gender's expense. I have never thought it was funny to get a laugh at someone's expense no matter what sex they are. A friend of mine sent me several men bashing jokes the other day and yes I did pass them on to women and one man that might get a kick out of them but the funniest thing about the email, to me, was that is was a man who sent it. What weakness would it really show if we did try to understand the opposite sex. What deep dark secrets would we divuldge and leave our sex vulnerable? And what difference would it make anyway? Are we not to honor the men in our lives and they cherish the women? Wouldn't the encompass a genuine attempt at understanding and not be afraid to be vulnerable?

If experience is the best teacher then I would have learned the lesson that men disappear. And that started at an early age.

Dad: I was 11 when my Dad decided at 40 that he needed to go out and find himself. He was a PhD professor, father of 4, husband of 17 years, active in his church, friend to many. Is that not who he was? He moved a block away but I rarely saw him. I moved to another state when I was 14 and did not see him again until I was 19. And is went from there that the most important man in my life would be a shadow of disappearance.

My first real love: We met the first day of college and he said he knew. He went home and told his family that he had met the woman he was going to marry. We dated for 2 1/2 years and were engaged. We were engaged for 2 1/2 more years when he called me on the phone my last semester in college (I was on the -4 year plan, he the 7 year plan), and told me he was not sure about getting married. Since he still had a year to finish after me, since he would be in school and I would have the job, that is was not perfect. He described it as buying a truck and keeping it in the garage until it has the right rims, tires, accessories on it first and then and only then he would drive it. I was a truck and he disappeared. I found out 5 months later he was engaged getting married in 3 months to a girl 9 years his junior, 5 years younger than me. He gave her my engagement ring and they tell me she looked just like me when I was a freshman in college. I have been replaced and he disappeared.

Buddy for Life: I met SKB the month after my first love did his disappearing act. He was sweet, had a fun job (ran a dive shop) and had cool hobbies (sailboat, diving, catamaran, lived at the beach) Our first "date" was a dive 110 feet to a new world I had never seen before complete with dolphins racing the boat on our way to the site, flying fish on the way back and the most beautiful colors and graceful creatures I had ever seen in the middle. From then on we were "Buddies". He was a 23 year old virgin, not that that means anything about me but should tell you much about him and no it was not a Christian belief of no sex out of marriage because he is not a believer. We got engaged 3 months after meeting and married 4 months later in a fairytale wedding Cinderella would have envied. The inscription in I had placed in his ring was "Buddies for Life" but the moment the minister introduced us a Mr. and Mrs. my buddy disappeared. He got angry at me as we walked up the isle because I did not do it right. He got angry at me as we left our reception because I left my purse and ruined our perfect get away. And for the next nine years I learned I did very little right from loading the dishwasher to raising our daughter. My Buddy had disappeared and a 911 call got us out.

My Best Friend: Have you ever wondered if you are or are not engaged? I did. I mean he asked, I said yes and we planned of getting married when our divorces were final. Yes, we had only been separated a few months when we considered getting married and we did live 3 states away but the love and the promise was there. Until one day in December when my year separation was almost over, I was 2 weeks away from moving 2 states closer and out of a nightmare when I was jarred awake. He came to see me, kissed me at I opened the door, it was 6 am so we stumbled back to bed with talk of my moving and what to do when the papers were signed. He said he missed his best friend and I told him I was right here. I told him I missed my best friend and he said he was right there. To my astonishment he was headed back to his state that morning, he had to go. He got out of bed and disappeared. No answer to my questions of why or what happened if I even got him on the phone. Where was my friend? My best friend had disappeared but I was still wearing the ring.

A Knight in Shining Armor: OK, now, I can imagine you are sitting there thinking classic woman looking for Daddy's love. Yes, I suppose so. A marriage that happened too quickly - always be engaged for at least 6 months huh? And never rebound into a relationship! But here he came, even riding a white horse, well at least driving a white car. A man I had known and admired for 18 years of my life. A man that I had had an unexplainable connection with since the day I met him. I refused to say I was dating him as I did not want to rush into anything again. We spent time together as friends building that connection that was constantly fueled by chemistry. My Knight in Shining Armor had always been there and was now becoming my soulmate. He wanted love, commitment, family. We talked, spent time, listened, cherished and honored each other. We were people of the opposite sex that were not afraid to be vulnerable to get her, not afraid to divuldge those deep down secrets, we spent time understanding each other. We married with our friends and family around us. Our blended family of children beside us and the miracle of a child that would bind the two families together as one biologically on the way. Beautiful little girl that was ours. All of ours together. Now, blended families are not easy. 2nd marriages are not easy as the exspouses add another difficulty. The economy is never easy and takes its toll but I was committed, ready to honor and cherish all of us together knowing it would not be easy. 1 year and 10 months after we got married he decided he was broken and need to fix himself and he disappeared.

With life lessons like this, I have learned to slow down, cherish me and and then him, learn to know and understand that person and yet I still believe in love.

What you see is ...

The saying is, "What you see is what you get" but I really do not think that is so. What you see is what you precieve many times. There is so much about people that you can not "SEE" but we are such visual creatures that we rely on our eyes and then base things on the first "seen" impression. Think of being predjudice. The color of someone's skin is a very visable trait. I understand that we are also religiously predjudice but can you tell by looking at me that I attend a methodist church? Only if I am wearing something that is indicactive of my faith that someone sees my faith if they were to meet me on the street. Is what you "see" so important that is should rule over what you feel or know about someone? I find it funny that this picture is actually titled, "Beth with a bag over her head" seriously. Check out Google and search bag over head and you will find it.

There are online dating services that are putting people together by a picture and a profile. Does someone read the profile first or look at the picture before they decide to meet that man or woman? The sites say you are more likely to have more "hits" if you have a picture but is it really that important when you are talking to someone miles away, making friends through technology? Why do we base so much value on looks - stupid question, there are industries that make millions based on peoples looks.

Do you think Jesus would have ask Mary Magdalene or any of the disciples for a picture before he invested his friendship in them? "No, sorry, do not think you should follow me. You are not the type I am visually attracted to." Can hear Him saying that? Did the lepers give him a picture of what the used to look like before he would heal them? "Nay, you didn't look good before might as well stay a leper people will shy away from" Nor do I think he would ask them for a picture so he could know who he was ministering to behind the veil. He just did, freely without concern for their physical attributes or visual appearance. Faith of the heart.

People can be behind many types of veils. Maybe they want to be know for who they are on the inside not for what they look like. Maybe knowing physical appearance is such a determining factor to many people that they do not want to play that game. For that same reason they do not buy the fashion magazines and buy into the concept of the Beautiful People being the only ones worth love and friendship. Maybe they don't have pictures of themselves because they are always behind the camera taking pictures of everyone else; just as they are always the ones taking care of those same people in front of the camera. Or maybe it is simply to hard to go through and find pictures of themselves to share because the photographs were at one time such a precious record of a time and people in their life that are no longer and it is painful. To look at pictures of happy smiling people and wonder where is the lie? In the smile or the absence.

If Momma is always right, then isn's she right when saying it is what is on the inside that counts? Jesus thought so. Mom and Jesus are pretty smart people to listen to and follow.

Screaming at the White Elephants

I know I keep talking about the white elephants that are in the room that no one will talk about. There are characters to this scene - one white elephant scene - which are :
Me
David - my oldest brother who has always been the male figure in my life, built me my first bike, was there to see me off to the prom, walked me down the isle, the one man I always new I could count on.
Aaron - friend since I was 17, my Knight In Shining Armor, now estranged husband, father of McKenna, best friends with David

When Aaron left he went to live with David. Lived there a month much to David's twin brother's dismay and mine. When Aaron moved out, it was David that helped him load the moving van and walked things out of his sisters home, his nieces home as her daddy left before she could even walk despite the email response I gave when he asked if I was alright with it (you can only imagine my answer ...) It has been David that Aaron spends his weekends with, holidays when he does or does not have the kids. Between me and David we have enabled Aaron to abandon his family and marriage with little discomfort.

At Thanksgiving this year, David told me he begged Aaron not to marry me, he begged him 3 times. Why? Am I not good enough for him? Was it not ok for us to find love in each other, did it take too much away from the bachelor, drinking buddy, women bashing life? David hated Aaron's first wife, guess it was hard to hate his second.

This Christmas I was asked the question where my dust pan was, when I answered I did not have one anymore, the answer was probed with a why? I said, "Aaron took it." No accusation, just truth, but I was met with a disdainful growl of. "Aaron did not take the dust pan." Not that it really matters but, yea, he did. He took everything he brought with him to our house from his apartment, it was his. It was not the dustpan that mattered, it was that I was put on the defense with my own brother, in my own house, when I am not the one who abandoned a marriage and children. I am NOT and NEVER will ask David to chose ... but once, just once, I would like my big brother to stand up for me. To realize that this is not ok and that it has hurt people who did not deserve it. I did not just fall down and scrape my knee while riding the bike he made me .... my husband left me and took my brother with him. I think just as Aaron is entitled to take the dustpan, I am entitled to feel hurt.

This song reminds me of that big white elephant that is sitting between me and my brother but we are not allowed to talk about it, look at it, acknowledge its existence... I miss my big brother, as I said he was the male figure in my life that I could trust ... In no way do I feel no responsibility to what has happened, I have taken painful, long looks at myself I am not "clean" as I am a player in this too but I ask forgiveness if David feels I have let him down or hurt him ...

I have found a new male in my life to trust. God is now the father of my family and the husband of my heart ... but I still miss my brother.

Zoegirl
Scream

Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me,
I need release
Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?

Has anybody seen what's been done?
Where was my defense?
No one heard my protest
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released
So I can breathe again
I'm on my knees
I've been marked, set apart
But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark
One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand
Is enough to heal me and make me stand

'Cause I'm clean,
HE is listening to me
I don't have to scream for HIM to hear me
Don't have to bleed for HIM to see me
'Cause I'm clean,
HE is listening to me I don't have to scream
I don't have to bleed 'Cause I'm clean,
HE is listening And I don't have to scream

Another sad thing about this is, if my brother read this he would be mad about it as if I were attacking him, I am not, he is a good man and stuck in a hard place I imagine. He did not do anything "on purpose" but the fact is it has hurt me, he has hurt me. Like a white elephant sat on my heart and he does not see it.

And the Pajamas came off!

Enough of the sitting around contemplating what is, was or could have been.... Time for the pajamas to come off and the day to begin. It also helped that I had somewhere I had to be today and shirt and shoes were required.

I am a Guardian ad Litem, GAL, court appointed advocate for abused and neglected children and I had to do a home visit for a child that was being moved from a group home to a foster home today. What a wonderful situation this change is going to be for her. I know she can not see it and just wants what she has always known (going to what she considers "home") but this situation will be so wonderful for her. I should take my own advise!

I also went and registered for two classes today, paid the tuition and got ready to move on in 2006. It will be a good situation for me too. Change is something I am used to. Being single is not what I am used to or wanted to be, but what a wonderful situation this change is going to be for me! Going to school is something I am used to and love doing. It felt so good and so right being on campus today getting things set. I get to go back and meet with financail aid tomorrow. Hey, another reason to get out of the pajamas.

And as I sit here, tonight, writing with my little girl curled up beside me, periodically putting lip gloss on me, I know I have the better part of life in my heart and my house. Especially when having Strawberry cupcake Lipsmacker applied by such a joy of a child!

Enjoy the PJ Days but make life interactive and productive when the Pajamas come off! It will be a wonderful situation that change can bring!

Shadows of myself

I have spent the last two days in my pajamas with the TV on and playing with my 2 year old. THAT has been the good part of the day. The not so good part is that I have hardly cleaned up from the "festivities" of Christmas. My goal before going back to school on the 2nd is to clean out my closet and the tool closet. Well, I still have some time but if you give me 5 minutes, I will procrastinate 3 and then get it finished in a flurry. My Mom came by yesterday and we were in our PJs and she came by again this afternoon and we were still in our PJs. Well, she came back tonight and what she wanted to tell me was that she had spent her life not having anyone (she was an only child raised by a great aunt). This year of my and Aaron's separation has been hard for her to watch me go through because it is like history repeating itself. My dad at 40 decided after 17 years of marriage that he needed to "find himself" Midlife Crisis? Aaron at 39 has decided he is "broken and needs to fix himself" History repeating? Anyway, my mom came by to tell me that I do have someone. We ended up having a long conversation and I said a lot of things I should have said before Aaron left, since he left and told her about the white elephants that are plaguing me and my brother's relationship. She had helpful things to say and I just needed to get it out. I am such and extrovert, I generally do not know how to deal with my thoughts until I can get them out and then move them around but sometimes that is not so good when "getting it out" talking to someone else - once the words are out and heard the damage can be done. I wonder sometimes if these are the shadows of me - my parents divorce, my impending divorce, Pajamas all day in a messy house. OK enough with hiding in the shadows, time to get ready for the new year. Put this one behind. January 15th will be a year that he left and the required year will be over and time to move on. Out of the shadows ...

Tears of Sleep

Christmas was exhausting. There were so many good things to tell you about and I will ... more to come but I needed to say this.

Christmas was full of family and white elephants. I will tell you about them too. Christmas Eve was spent braving the stores for the last minute buys, frantic wrapping and church. Church is a place of peace for me although I rarely get through a service without tears. don't they say that tears are God's way of helping to cleanse your soul? Anyway, we had dinner out with Mom, sister and niece. Did the traditional Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol with George C Scott (My favorite). I read my little one Twas The Night before Christmas when there was a knock at the door but no one was there ...freaked my sister out ... check out the Mystery Elf entry. Santa delivered the high tech tricycle with some assembly required and my head hit the pillow about 1 AM or so. Alyssa (the teenager) woke us up in the morning. McKenna (2) was not awake yet but thanks to her Sissy she was about to get her first real intro do Santa and gifts. Of course the high tech tricycle was the first to be seen and immediately she climbed up on it and declared it 'Kenna's car! Church again at 11 and then to Mom's for lunch. My brother and sister-in-law were there (yes, the one who months ago told me I was manipulative, selfish and not trustworthy so the 22 year friendship we have had is not worth her effort - if you ask me why I could not tell you I was told via email that she had her reasons but not something she was willing to write as she was afraid it would be shared with others ... If you have insight to it let me know). We hurried from Mom's back to my house as my dad and step mom were to be there to see my girls before they had to leave with their prospective parents ... Ah the casualties of divorce and separation. Aaron came and got McKenna and all the gifts I had for him, Katie and Chris (my step kids/McKenna's half siblings) and their parents Sue (Aaron's 1st wife) and Michael (their step dad if they ever go ahead and get married). Yes, I had gifts for them all. Like I said previously doing for others is second nature. After they left, my brother David, his girlfriend and my niece all came. Then the brother and estranged sister-in-law, everyone came to my house including the white elephants. Alyssa then left with her father after he made a few curt comments and I stood there in the driveway with a house full of family but MY family was gone.

The house sortof emptied out or all inhabitants went to bed about 2 AM or so. I went to bed with none of my children in my home and I was tired. I woke the next morning listening to by brother leave. But it was not their noise that woke me, it was a wet feeling on my face. I had been crying, asleep but crying. It was the first time in a while that I have really felt alone. But on cue, as if God where reminding me I was never alone, my daughter's cat breathed softly next to me, snuggled on the pillow next to me, looking at me with safire blue eyes reminding me I am not alone and that I am loved.

Changes

Life is full of changes. I know that, I understand change moves us forward and I handle change pretty well. But life has been so full of changes since this millennium started that I think I have had enough of changes that are made for me that I just have to handle. People ask me why I like giraffes so much. I tell them it is because I used to work at a zoo and to escape from the administration headaches of my job I would find solstice down at the giraffe house with the newest of the herd, "Angel". Which is true but I also relate to them. They seem such adaptable creatures and awkwardly graceful. I have had to adapt so much of my life that doing for others is second nature but doing for me seems so selfish. Adapting to relationships (three since 2000), places to live (2 states 4 places since 2001) new jobs (4 since 2000). Maybe I will talk about the relationships, hence the disappearances in the title .... Intrigued? I was. Does intrigue always bring heartache?
Gracefully awkward could describe me. I mean I am not ugly, I will never be on the cover of Glamour either but not hard on the eyes or at least in my day I wasn't. But I have never felt comfortable in my own skin. Pretty tough when you have to be in your skin 24/7. Physically I am not happy with my skin these days. I have had two children and the skin does not fit like I want it to. I have joined Weight Watchers to support a friend but not sure I am doing very well. But then again, I am hard on myself and have little patience with me. Interesting that the doing for others is second nature for me and that I am very tolerant of others but not so much of me.
I am a good person, loving, caring, accomplished, educated ... adaptable. I should revel in the things I have been able to do in my short more than 30+ years of my life but for some reason it does not seem enough and I can tie myself in knots about it. But then again... life is continuously full of changes. Maybe in the next 30+ years of my life that to will change!