Screaming at the White Elephants

I know I keep talking about the white elephants that are in the room that no one will talk about. There are characters to this scene - one white elephant scene - which are :
Me
David - my oldest brother who has always been the male figure in my life, built me my first bike, was there to see me off to the prom, walked me down the isle, the one man I always new I could count on.
Aaron - friend since I was 17, my Knight In Shining Armor, now estranged husband, father of McKenna, best friends with David

When Aaron left he went to live with David. Lived there a month much to David's twin brother's dismay and mine. When Aaron moved out, it was David that helped him load the moving van and walked things out of his sisters home, his nieces home as her daddy left before she could even walk despite the email response I gave when he asked if I was alright with it (you can only imagine my answer ...) It has been David that Aaron spends his weekends with, holidays when he does or does not have the kids. Between me and David we have enabled Aaron to abandon his family and marriage with little discomfort.

At Thanksgiving this year, David told me he begged Aaron not to marry me, he begged him 3 times. Why? Am I not good enough for him? Was it not ok for us to find love in each other, did it take too much away from the bachelor, drinking buddy, women bashing life? David hated Aaron's first wife, guess it was hard to hate his second.

This Christmas I was asked the question where my dust pan was, when I answered I did not have one anymore, the answer was probed with a why? I said, "Aaron took it." No accusation, just truth, but I was met with a disdainful growl of. "Aaron did not take the dust pan." Not that it really matters but, yea, he did. He took everything he brought with him to our house from his apartment, it was his. It was not the dustpan that mattered, it was that I was put on the defense with my own brother, in my own house, when I am not the one who abandoned a marriage and children. I am NOT and NEVER will ask David to chose ... but once, just once, I would like my big brother to stand up for me. To realize that this is not ok and that it has hurt people who did not deserve it. I did not just fall down and scrape my knee while riding the bike he made me .... my husband left me and took my brother with him. I think just as Aaron is entitled to take the dustpan, I am entitled to feel hurt.

This song reminds me of that big white elephant that is sitting between me and my brother but we are not allowed to talk about it, look at it, acknowledge its existence... I miss my big brother, as I said he was the male figure in my life that I could trust ... In no way do I feel no responsibility to what has happened, I have taken painful, long looks at myself I am not "clean" as I am a player in this too but I ask forgiveness if David feels I have let him down or hurt him ...

I have found a new male in my life to trust. God is now the father of my family and the husband of my heart ... but I still miss my brother.

Zoegirl
Scream

Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me,
I need release
Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?

Has anybody seen what's been done?
Where was my defense?
No one heard my protest
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released
So I can breathe again
I'm on my knees
I've been marked, set apart
But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark
One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand
Is enough to heal me and make me stand

'Cause I'm clean,
HE is listening to me
I don't have to scream for HIM to hear me
Don't have to bleed for HIM to see me
'Cause I'm clean,
HE is listening to me I don't have to scream
I don't have to bleed 'Cause I'm clean,
HE is listening And I don't have to scream

Another sad thing about this is, if my brother read this he would be mad about it as if I were attacking him, I am not, he is a good man and stuck in a hard place I imagine. He did not do anything "on purpose" but the fact is it has hurt me, he has hurt me. Like a white elephant sat on my heart and he does not see it.