Gifts from the Heart

I believe in the true meaning of Christmas, the reason for the season as the phrase has been coined. I know it is not in the receiving of gifts but in the giving as the Magi did to honor Christ, thier love for him and God's love for us. God gave us the gift of his son, the Magi honored his birth by giving gifts that would help Mary and Joseph escape. God knows the wants and needs of his children and provides for them ...this is the spirit of giving. I also believe that is it the thought that counts... maybe I am just overly sensitive but I think about gifts I give people. Not to say that if I am given a list of what someone wants, I do not try to fullfill their wishes but when left to my own, a gift has meaning to me. I gave my niece a set of 3D markers because McKenna loves to spend time with her and they color together. McKenna picked it out and I am pleased they like to be together so much. I created a basket for my brothers and their wives of things they can enjoy just them. It had popcorn, coffee, a candle, a do not disturn sign and the book The Love Dare. Not that I think there is anything wrong with thier marriages but the marriage of two people is what creates a family and in caring for that marriage and each other it is the best gift given to the family.

Christmas is a time for rememberance of what is important to us, the gifts we have received, not those bought at the store but given from the heart, received in love. Compassion, Forgiveness, Grace, Support and Love. None of them come with a pricetag but are invaluable.

Steve Curtis Chapman has a song, All I Really Want For Christmas. I think this a lot, not that I don't have one like the children in the song but mine is no longer close for reasons known and unknown.

Anyway, I am reminding myself that Christmas is the giving not receiving. I give gifts from the heart and it matters and has meaning in what I give. Wether it is received in that manner is to each of the receivers. Is it the thought that counts? Is the gift really from the heart and representative of how you feel about the person you give the gift to? If that is the case, I got that my sister Kris wants to spend time with me, a giftcard of monetary support from David and Misty and a reaffirmation that Alicia still wants nothing to do with me. For reasons unknown.

Forgiveness is a good gift to give and receive.

Gifts from the heart.

I Will Just Keep Telling Myself This ...

To restore harmony into a relationship, focus on what you appreciate about the other person, and not your complaints. When you focus on the wonderful things and you appreciate those, you will be astounded at how many more things to appreciate suddenly appear in the other person.

This is something I am actively doing right now even to the point of making a mental or written list of the things I appreciate about Alyssa to help me stay positive, not take things personally or be hurt and lonely. I think this is a good idea. I have always believed in the power of positive thinking. Wearing a smile on your face never goes out of fashion and it is the best cosmetic ever! It is easy to feel isolated or alone, it is better to feel harmony, peace brought on by one simple positive thought that brings on another and another. Every single human being is meant to be living in joy. It is our natural state, and we know it, because when we feel negative emotions we feel terrible. We want to be happy. And the biggest thing to realize is that happiness is a choice, because it is a feeling generated from the inside of us. We have to make a decision to be happy on the inside now, to magnetize a life of happiness on the outside.

Kindergarten

McKenna used to say,"Mommy, when I turn five and am in Kindergarten, I will ..." usually followed by something really big for a little girl. Well, McKenna turned five and last week was her first week in Kindergarten. She started on Tuesday, August 26th. There are 13 Kindergarten classes in her school. She is ALL the way down the hall at the end, and I mean the end, out the door and up the ramp to an Education Cottage, other wise known as a trailer. One good thing about her being in the trailer, is there are fewer children in her class than the others. I believe she has 18 in her class and the others have 24-26. She was very excited about going to Kindergarten. She got a Hannah Montana bookbag and lunchbox from her friend Gracie for her birthday. She carried her lunchbox and wore her bookbag as she walked about 6 steps ahead of me as I walked her to her class the first day of school. Chad had asked me if he could be there to see her off on her first day of school. It really meant a lot to him and she was tickled to death when she saw him standing at the front of her school. As we pulled into the parking lot she saw him standing there and yelled, "Mommy, there is Chaddy! He is coming to see me go to school!" When we got out of the car, she ran up and hugged him, grabbed his hand and started walking to into school. I caught up with the lunchbox and bookbag gave them to her and off we went into the school to embark on her educational career. She goes to Wintergreen Primary and her teacher is Miss Church.

I remember just a clear as if it were last week taking Alyssa to Kindergarten. I can still picture her in her little black skirt, white shirt and embroidered Winnie the Pooh vest. I remember it all from the red bow in her hair to the red socks and white Keds on her feet. And I remember I cried and cried that day. Our county school system has gone to uniforms so McKenna was in her Khaki shorts and either blue, green or white polo type shirt. I did OK on McKenna's first day not crying, well as least until I was in the car by myself driving away. I thought about my little Winnie the Pooh girl driving herself to school for her Junior year and my little Velcro baby independently and excitedly walking several steps ahead of me. On Wednesday Alyssa and I walked her in before heading to the hospital to have blood work done. Thursday as I walked McKenna in, she told me she wanted to walk by herself and to stop at the end of the hall. I stood there and watched her walk all the way down the hall, out the door and to her classroom and had to swallow hard to not cry then as well. On Friday, Grandma took her to school. She told Grandma as they got close that she wanted to walk in by herself and Grandma needed to stay in the car, she wanted to go through the Kissy Lane (Kiss N Go lane). And she did.

McKenna was very proud that afternoon when she brought home a Terrific Kid certificate telling me she had not had to move her Popsicle stick from the happy face to the sad face all week. All too soon my little happy face girl will be driving herself to school her junior year.

Club Med Weekend

Last weekend, we spent the entire weekend in and out of medical facilities. Alyssa got sick Thursday night (8/21) and I took her in Friday to the Doctor thinking she had strep throat. The culture came back negative but they wanted her back to test her for Mono Monday. Well we did not make it to Monday, it was much worse Saturday and we went back, her regular pediatrician was there and immediately thought Mono but since she has only been sick for a couple of days it would most likely not show up on a test but we went over to the hospital anyway for the lab tests. McKenna had a birthday party to get to and I could not be in two places at once so I had to get someone to take her to the party. She wanted Chad, so here I am calling him to ask a fovor of him after telling him I really could not see him anymore but McKenna wanted him and he will play with her and take good care of her so I called. He was there in minutes, took her to get a gift, got her socks and took her to the Jumping Monkey for the birthday party. Texted me when she fell in the big blow up jumpy thingy and hurt her foot. She sat on his lap, got the comfort she needed and off they went to see presents opened. Unfortunately, when I tried to get a shoe on her later that evening, she really complained about her foot hurting and I looked and it was swollen and blue. We spent 5 hours in the ED with McKenna that night, to get her foot x-rayed. They think she broke it is on a growth plate so it is about impossible to see on an xray. She either broke it or sprained the ligaments in her big toe and foot. Either way is it "puffy like a frog" she says and hurts. She is off her foot for a while.

The doctor wanted to see Alyssa again Sunday so we went back again Sunday morning to find the Mono culture did not show positive so he put her on augmentin along with prednizone. We went back to the hospital for another Mono test Wednesday. Alyssa missed the first day of school and has been going half days or in during 2nd block and trying to get as far through the day as possible. She has Honors Alg II, AP English, and Honors Physics the last three blocks of the day. The mono test came back negative on Wednesday. She seems to have a bacterial infection on top of a viral infection but they are treating her like it was mono. REST REST REST!

We got through this week ok. McKenna's foot is feeling better but she is out of PE and Alyssa comes home to take naps after school. Me, I am working on training the teachers in our county to teach Academically Gifted kids all week and getting ready for my own students.

Online Support System

This blog is my way of journaling, getting the feelings out as well as letting you know what is happening in my life. My support system of friends that I share intimate life details spread from VA Beach through Memphis to California. I thank you for your love and support and always wish you were closer. Chad is the closest member of my support system but since we are not dating any longer, needing or wanting to talk to him, he is always open to but I do not want to sneak around or make things uncomfortable at home. So, he and I "talk" via IM. This conversation was one that taught me something and I wanted to save it with my journalings.

Beth: Thank you for the icecream last night and for coming to see McKenna. She has wondered where you are.
Chad: Thank you for letting me. Chad: How was Alyssa when she got home?
Beth: ok
Beth: she talked about Brad
Chad: talking is good
Chad: he still bothering her?
Beth: no not really, only in her mind
Chad: talking is definitely good then
Beth: she does not talk really she just recaps events
Chad: ah.
Chad: she needs to learn to talk about her feelings
Beth: but she does need to talk about her feelings
Chad: she holds way too much in
Beth: what is she going to say?
Chad: about me? I have no idea
Beth: would she say to me, I thought you weren't seeing him anymore? and me say I am not he came by with icecream, she knows I am not seeing you anymore because of her
Chad: did you say anything about it?
Beth: just that you came by with icecream
Chad: I know that she may not understand right now
Beth: understand?
Chad: about my visiting
Chad: my still being around in general
Beth: she probably thinks I am not really not seeing you just saying it but then again I am always coming up with what other people might think and internalizing that
Chad: well... my best suggestion to take care of that is to talk to her.
Beth: i need to talk to her about that and about McKenna and her dealings with her
Chad: you will never know what she is thinking unless you do. Problem is, if she is anything like I was SHE may not even know what she is thinking. She may have feelings about things, but not really pay attention to the thoughts creating those feelings
Chad: while talking to her, try to get her to share her thoughts about things... not just feelings
Beth: yes I say lots of times what makes you think that?
Beth: i get i don't know
Chad: try a different approach
Chad: ask same question in a different way
Beth: like
Chad: sounds as though directly asking thoughts initiates a defensive reaction
Beth: maybe say, did something happen that makes you feel that way?
Chad: she does tell you things that happen
Chad: that book I gave you is all about Cognitive Therapy... changing thoughts
Beth: have not read it
Beth: cant concentrate to read
Chad: Maybe asking why she thinks something makes her get the idea that you think she is wrong
Beth: probably
Chad: try using teacher strategies to help get it out
Chad: "is this the right answer?" "Maybe, how did you get that answer?"
Beth: ok
Chad: Feelings are the answer. Thoughts are the "work" that get that answer
Beth: will try
Chad: I am not trying to tell you what to do or how to do it. I am only using my own experience to offer suggestions
Beth: i appreciate the insight
Chad: I do not know what you should say to help get her to share her thoughts
Beth: me either
Chad: I do believe that is what needs to come out though. Learning to identify them and deal with them each has helped me tremendously
Beth: yes
Chad: it is very hard at first
Chad: seems that thoughts just spin around our heads so fast that they cannot be identified
Chad: we try to follow them and they get away
Beth: or keep us awake
Chad: true
Chad: it gets easier as we learn to use a strobe light effect
Beth: ?
Chad: with a spinning wheel with writing on it, if you tune the light to strobe at the right time, you can read the writing as if it were still
Chad: instead of trying to follow our thoughts around our head, wearing us out and giving us a headache, we can focus on one point (thought) and catch it each time it goes by
Chad: then we can analyze it and determine how to deal with it
Chad: the thoughts that occur most often are easiest to identify
Chad: the same thoughts often come with different issues. Once we have identified them, they are easier to locate, identify, and deal with
Chad: the hardest part is learning to take a second to identify them
Chad: and then replace them with a conscious, more productive thought
Chad: like with any other habit, which is exactly what automatic thoughts are, they do not completely go away, they are just easier to deal with
Chad: that is how to improve our feelings
Chad: and, in turn, our mood
Chad: I hope my "Numbers-like" explanation helps some
Beth: yes
Chad: are you doing ok?

I appreciate you all reading and responding. It feels good to know you are there!

A Way Is Made

God is faithful when you ask for help. We made plans to go to the pool for the afternoon today, the three of us. My friend Lee Ann and Alyssa's friend Amanda were going to join us. I woke early worried about how I was going to get things done that I needed to do and not leave Alyssa alone or McKenna alone with her. I needed to go to the church at 11:00 AM and pick up a box of school supplies they were donating to my school as well as the secretary emailed me and needed me to come in and look over the STRIDE curriculum that I had redone before she copied and started collating. She would be in the office after 2:00 PM. Well the girls were still asleep when I needed to leave for church but as I was leaving they woke. Knowing I was only going to be gone for about 30 minutes and they were watching TV, I thought, "OK Beth, don't worry, go. It is just 30 minutes." Well, also God is faithful that it rained all day today and Lee Ann text me, "Guess No Pool" I did go get the supplies but when I got back, McKenna was crying in time out. Seems to happen all the time when I leave, Alyssa looses tolerance and in time out McKenna goes. Something about a whiteboard and McKenna not writing on it but scribbling in the area Alyssa said she could in the way she could ... ended with Alyssa taking the marker from her, McKenna getting upset and yelling "I want my Mommy" and in time out she got put. Well I took them both with me to the office to check on the curriculum, picked up Zac, Alyssa's boyfriend and headed out to my school to take boxes and start moving furniture to get the room set up.
Classroom was disappointing. I am at a new school this year. I went in June to move all my stuff from old school to new school and was really pleased to see the nice bookcases and tables etc in my room. The room is a lot smaller than the other center, I have about 25-28 kids to serve in AG this year and I am not sure how I am going to get them all in the room. We can put a name tag on the door, Ms. Webb STRIDE/TAG Sardine Can! Got there today and the nice bookcases are gone, the big tables are gone, replaced by 4 tables that are not the same heights, sizes or even the same type or color. No chairs, even my personal rolley chair was gone. At least it has my name on it so I can find it. I really wish Chad was there, he is good at looking at stuff and arranging things to make it work better, good at spacial relation stuff - stick with the plan right now, stick with the parenting plan. I think Alyssa and Zac were pretty surprised with what mismatch stuff I had, no teacher desk either, it is gone too. We gave up on trying to arrange things and left. Had to get to my mom's for dinner anyway. We were stopped at a light and I rubbed my eyes a little and Alyssa said, "Don't worry mom, your room will be fine. You always make them look good for the kids." I hope so. Like the rain made a way for me today, I hope a way is made!

Better Days

On Sunday 8/10, the director of care groups and missions, Mark, gave the message. (Click on his name, it is linked to the audio stream if you want to hear it ... ) At the end of the service he gave an alter call for those wanting to pray, accept Christ, etc. Well, I went up to specifically pray for discernment and guidance when it came to Alyssa and McKenna. I asked him to let me know how to best help them as they grow, etc. You know they say God works in mysterious ways, but did it have to come in the form of a screaming match that afternoon? Well, he allowed me to unravel that afternoon, only to help me figure out the steps this morning.

I woke up about 4 am with McKenna's feet on my head, could not go back to sleep so I got up and went to the couch. I turned the TV on and started flipping channels when the remote got stuck. I kept pushing the button but the channel did not change. It was the PBS/UNCTV channel and they were showing a documentary called Depression: Out of the Shadows. (I found a link to the show, click the title). Anyway I started hearing things in this documentary that changed the statement I kept saying Sunday afternoon, "I don't know what to do" and then I did. I was even excited about it. I wanted to so much to run upstairs and hug Alyssa and tell her everything was going to be OK and what I felt we should do, and I felt good about it. But I did not want to wake her. She needs the sleep I think. As an extrovert, I needed to verbalize my morning lightbulb turning on with this show, I needed to talk it out with someone, so I called Chad and told him and he did what he does best, listened and gave support, reminded me that he respected my decision. He asked if he could call me later and I told him I was going to be with Alyssa all day so I would not answer. He does respect my decision. He did not call at all today and allowed me to focus on her and spend the time.

My Mom took McKenna for the day. Alyssa and I went to Panera Bread for breakfast. There we talked about stuff. She told me stuff about friends, clothes, etc. The usual. She asked me if I had gone outside last night late (our house beeps when a door is opened). I told her yes, I went to get something out in the car. When I offered no more explanation, she said it must have taken you a while. I told her I left the door open so it would not beep when I came back in. She said, still it took you awhile, long enough for me to walk around the house looking for you, get a cucumber, peel it, slice it and go back upstairs. I don't remember what I said, but the conversation went on with me giving no more explanation. I then told her about the documentary and how it explained depression and anxiety. Some symptoms, things I knew about me. She knows I take medication for anxiety and obsessive guilt. We discussed how it is not something to be ashamed about. I tried to make it easier explaining that depression is genetic was well as environmental and that she has had some pretty traumatic experiences. I then shared my plan with her.

1. We both leave our cell phones in the kitchen when we go to bed. I do it in support of her. I ask her to so that she gets uninterrupted sleep and a break for the drama and text messages teenagers send it all hours. She reluctantly agreed.

2. We both are going to see a counselor, individually and then together if and when she would like. She did not say much but that she does not like telling her problems to people, they are her problems. We talked a little about it and I think she knows that the talk therapy will help. She wanted to know if she was going to have to take pills like me. I told her I did not think so but that if the counselor thought we needed to see her pediatrician then we would.

3. The documentary reinforced what I already knew, that exercise increases endorphins which help combat depression. So I am joining a gym that she and I can go work out at together after school. I told her we do not have to do it together, if she wants to put her headphones on and do her course and me do mine that was fine but that I would be more consistent if I was doing it with her and I do not want to be overweight anymore. She thought that was an OK idea.

4. I know that eating right will also help. So, with our crazy schedules or school, cheerleading etc, we are able to have family dinners on Sunday, Monday and Wednesday. (Friday and Saturday some but I understand that is football game and date night so...) She and I will research foods that help combat depression and anxiety and find recipes we can make together. That seemed to go over well.

5. I was not going to say anything about resigning from the GAL or CR programs but I told her}that on Thursdays when McKenna had tumbling from 5-6:30 she and I could have dinner just the two of us. She looked at me funny knowing that Thursday nights is when I always go to Celebrate Recovery at church so I told her about stepping down from the program responsibilities.

6. I was definitely not going to say anything about not seeing Chad anymore as I did not want her to blame herself or feel guilty, but since she pressed a little about me being outside late last night, he had come to bring me something and talk a moment. I told her I was not going to say anything but did not want to lie to her either. I let her know that I told Chad I could not see him anymore. She did not say anything and looked at the table. I told her it was my decision to make.

So, I have a plan. I take the steps to implement the plan. I understand that she may not like it or may be angry at me at times about it, but that it is my job to do what is best for her now, so that she can have an even better future. It is fixable. She had a little bad feelings that something is "wrong" with her but I tried to help her better understand that it is not something to be ashamed about or her fault, it IS fixable. We left, went shopping for school stuff. Ran a few errands together, picked up her boyfriend, got McKenna and went to the mall for lunch and then he joined us for a baseball game with my dad. She was in good spirits, it was a good day together.

I prayed for discernment and guidance and He was faithful. I will keep praying for better days.

Getting Ready for Kindergarten

Who knew getting ready for Kindergarten would be so painful? McKenna had her 5 year old check up and update of immunizations for school today ... 5 shots. 5 Shots! That is a lot. She got through the peeing in a cup, weighed in at 44 lbs and 44 inches tall, and not a problem with the finger prick, the first time. Second time did not go so well and the stubbornness kicked in. Took a lot of talk, mommy putting on a silly paper vest and McKenna and Mommy writing on each other's silly paper clothes to get her out of her clothes and into the paper examining dress, vest, drape, what is that thing? She did great getting her ears, eyes nose, throat checked. Did the hearing test, did well on the vision screening. Doctor Coker was really pleased to hear that she has only dislocated her elbow the one time considering the hypertonia. She said that the physical fitness will continue to help prevent those types of injuries. I am to keep her in good arch supports for the flat feet, does not see a need for orthopedic shoes as of yet. We pretty much lost it when it came time for the shots. Five is just too many. The immediately gave her Motrin and I am to watch her arm for the knots using warm compresses. Anyway, we have our book bag thanks to Gracie giving it to her for her bday along with a matching lunchbox. We have a start to uniforms. Bought the folders on the list of supplies, just a few things to get next and we are ready. Two weeks and counting.

I cried like a baby when Alyssa went off to Kindergarten. I remember exactly what she wore. I wish I still had a picture of her. (Steven hid all my photo albums from me in the basement in MD and the basement flooded so I was told) But I still remember exactly how she looked. Things have been quiet today at our house. No screaming. Hardly any talking. She did go to the doctors with us and we all went for Dippin' Dots as a treat afterwards ... I passed on the Styrofoam icecream but the girls like it. As the time went on, and I tried to saw a few noncommittal things, the air lightened. My heart is heavy and I am nervous about the next steps but, deep breath, that is what being a parent is all about.

Growning Pains at 16 and 41.

I opened my eyes and broke my heart today.

For years I have been hiding from the fact that my daughter has increasingly had anger issues from the time she was little. Even the times she flew off the handle about things I dismissed it as becoming a teenager, being a teenager. I have seen friends come and go, quick udgements made, jealousy towards her sister and intolerance to friends I have, especially Aaron or Chad. Not that it had anything to do with the person themselves or 'Who" they are, just "who they are to me". Now I know this all sounds mild, it is intended to as it hurts to recognize behaviors I had out of fear evolving into appeasement with her father, to recognize those same behaviors evolving in the same way with a side order of denial. But today, my eyes were opened as my ears heard the sounds of a mother and daughter screaming at each other and a suicide threat.

It is my job to take care of my children. It is my hope and goal that the dysfunction stops here. It is my dedication to take the job, hope and goal seriously. I have focused the last three years on healing and becoming a whole person able to be a good mom. I guess while I was healing me, I needed to push a little harder to get the same help for Alyssa, I was afraid to push too hard. Well, I feel better about myself than I ever have and relying of faith, grace and mercy have made all the difference in my life. I recognize that, I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalms 139:14 and deserving of more than I chose for myself in the past. That knowledge led me to meet Chad who taught me that there is unconditional love, earthly unconditional love and showed me selfless, Agape love.

After the dust settled, I made a few decisions. I contacted someone to help get counseling for both me and Alyssa, separate and together when ready. I resigned from the Guardian ad Litem program. I cannot spend extra time helping children of abuse and neglect when my own child needs it. I also resigned from the Celebrate Recovery team. Again, I need to focus my time and efforts on helping my children and me, our family recover from hurts, habits and hangups. And one bone of contention for Alyssa is me dating. It does not matter if it is fair, a scapegoat, misplaced or what, it is an issue that is not helping things, so I told Chad I could not see him anymore. When Aaron left I felt like someone had hit me in the stomach. As I sat there and explained what was happening and felt I needed to do, I literally could feel my heart break. He understood, respected my choice to focus time and energy on the needs of my children and let me go. McKenna has already asked for him and my standard answer will be, "he is working". She will understand that. He did not disappear.

I have to focus my time and effort, love and stength, my own faith, grace and mercy on what is most important to me.

Lawyers Make Things Harder

On August 5th, Aaron and I finally met in court to establish child support. From day one that I started establishing legal matters after Aaron left, the ONLY thing we have said is that we will follow the parenting agreement and state guidelines for child support. Our time in court should have been simple, look at the guidelines Aaron's lawyer created and numbers mine did. It is just a numbers thing .... well did not end up that way.


Over three years ago, we met with a counselor and worked out a parenting agreement detailing how McKenna would be raised and what the responsibility was for each of us as her parents. This is detailed from how old she must be to be left alone for small periods of time to how her education will be taken care of through graduate school if she so chooses and her wedding. It covers insurance, medical expenses including activities recommended by the pediatrician due to the hypertonia, when and how child support will be taken care of (set by state guidelines and to begin June 30, 2005). This is an agreement we both made so that we had a clear idea of how McKenna will be cared and provided for ... without it both of us can change our minds and do whatever willy nilly with no regard for the other parent. When my lawyer attempted to admit the parenting agreement into evidence as it states how we agreed that child support would be dealt with, the opposing lawyer did just that ... he opposed stating that this agreement was not the agreement that Aaron sign. I was confused. His signature was on it beside the notary stamp. So now opposing counsel is arguing semantics (judges word) regarding the agreement. I felt like the foundation of what I could count on as agreed upon by McKenna's parents was being chipped away at ... what security do I have that Aaron will follow through, be a man of his word for his daughter now or years in the future?


Both lawyers did run the guidelines for child support just as expected. Aaron's lawyers monthly number came out $8 less that what my lawyer calculated. Aaron refused. My lawyer suggested to meet mid point, at first they said no, so the issue was tabled for a moment. According to the parenting agreement, Aaron and I said we would split out of pocket medical expenses 50/50. His lawyer said they would do that AFTER $250 was accumulated and paid by me every calendar year. That sounds like a deductible. I have to pay a deductible before Aaron will begin to help with half of McKenna's medical needs, something he agreed to do in the parenting agreement and no deductible was EVER mentioned. Then he did not want to help pay for McKenna's gymnastics, something she has done since she was 2, recommended by the pediatrician as physical therapy for the hypertonia. She first went to a traditional gym for gymnastics but when she was 3 the doctor said she has flat feet and must do all structured activities in shoes, good supportive shoes or she will have to be in orthopedic shoes. This is why McKenna's sandals are Tevas, Her school shoes are Crocks or Sperry's, she wears tennis shoes with good support and why she goes to a gym that does gymnastics in shoes. The only other gyms in town are ECCATS and CIS both cheerleading gyms with gymnastics. The Doctor also recommended dance, Ballet. Aaron does not feel the gymnastics or dance should be any of his responsibility even though it is in the parenting agreement and recommended by the pediatrician AND we have been participating in some sort of structured physical activity/therapy since McKenna was 6 months old. Why now does he not want to support that? I suppose I should have been more diligent in sending him the receipts/canceled checks for her gymnastics before but I am not good at asking people for money owed to me and often do not do it. Guess that better change. When the monthly tuition and additional fees were calculated for the year and divided by 12 months, it is about $25 per month in addition to the tuition that is required. Additional fees are uniforms and competitions. It is a cheerleading gym so she is part of a gymnastics/cheerleading team. Aaron refuses to pay half of anything over the monthly tuition. $12.50 per month. He is quibbling over $8 and $12.50. It is NOT The money that makes any difference to me, it is the fact that he refuses to support his child at all, he does not come to the competitions, recitals, school functions, none of it. I agreed to him not helping with anything over the monthly tuition. He agreed to meet half way on the child support, $4. And all of this (Minus admitting the agreement in as evidence) was done BEFORE we ever started talking to the judge either with the lawyers in the hall way as Aaron and I sat in the courtroom or back and forth between the tables. While in the hallway, his lawyer asked my substitute lawyer (my actual lawyer had a conflict in his schedule so another lawyer came with me, I really like the substitute lawyer so that was ok.)He asked my substitute lawyer if custody was OK. She thought he meant what we had established in the parenting agreement and had been following for the past three years because there was not issue of custody today and said yes reiterating that. I know you are wondering , where is the judge. Well his earlier case had lasted longer than should so he was about an hour behind and he did come in and sit down at the bench, waiting for us a few times as we tried to fix a mistake.

His lawyer came over to my actual lawyer (who got there late), me and the substitute lawyer as she and I were fixing some numbers. There was a miscommunication between me and the paralegal who crunched some numbers, which inflated my costs in calculating childsupport, in my favor but not fair so we were changing them. He presented us with a handritten paper that outlined childsupport, medical expenses, insurance and CUSTODY! WHAT? A change in custody and visitation? WHAT? I was even more confused, Aaron wants to change custody and more visitation? And his lawyer is saying that we sued them for custody and visitation and this is their response. Why are we seeing a response for the first time hand written today? What petition for custody and visitation.... NO we follow the parenting agreement (except for Aaron asked to see McKenna once a month now instead of the every two weeks like what is in the agreement). His lawyer made a big show as to cross out the custody part and say fine we will have a custody trial. Um, if we had sued him for custody and were in court that day, wouldn't that be the trial date? But we were there for child support establishment. He went the bench, spoke to the court lady there who does the schedule and typing (don' t use stenographers anymore I guess) and then with a grand gesture picked up the phone and very loudly set a trial date with her and his office. When the lawyers left the room and the judge had too, I turned to Aaron and asked what was the custody issue? Did he want a change in custody and visitation? He just put his hands up, clasped them together and put them up again saying, you talk to them. He would not even look at me.

So they put me on the stand, asked me about 5 introductory questions, name, etc. Tried admit the parenting agreement as evidence and his lawyer objected. They spent more than 30 minutes arguing his objection. He said we needed to sue for breech of contract if we were going to use the parenting agreement (I wanted to throw up ... I lost Aaron, my husband and friend years ago when he was sued for breech of contract by Sue and his lawyer was suggesting I do that ... I wanted to throw up). So, we go back to court on September 9 to discuss custody,visitation, and arrearage (which is another one that confuses me). Aaron has paid McKenna's day care before and since he left and he deserves the credit for doing that, I am thankful. He has not paid anything in addition. My lawyer calculated that he owes about $9K which is wrong, hence us fixing the numbers it should not be that much. Aaron's lawyer says I owe him a refund of $7K where he paid too much. Too much? what did he pay over the day care and 1/3 insurance, which by the way, his insurance costs is the same if he has one child or three on it but no matter he should get 1/3 credit for that. I do not care if they run the numbers and say, 'Well Beth, Aaron owes nothing in childsupport for the past 3 plus years" OK fine it is settled but I am asking for it to be calculated for two reasons only. 1. I have taken money out of my home equity to make ends meet and need to pay that back so if I get arrearage I will put it directly in to the home equity account. 2. Aaron walked out on his child and family, I have dealt with that and am ok but whether living with us or living on his own, he has a responsibility to his child. Not me anymore, I don't need anything from him for me, but McKenna, she does.

Fat VS Fluffy

I have always like the Garfield cartoon where he states, "I.m not overweight, I am undertall" and I have always laughed and said, "I'm not fat, I'm fluffy." Cute as it maybe and eaiser to refer to myself as fluffy .. just sounds better, more cuddly I suppose, it does not change the fact that I have allowed myself to gain more weight than I ever have in my life. More than when I was in the 9th month of either pregnancy. A bathtowel does not go around me so I use a beach towel or bath sheet. I take pictures everywhere we go, but hate being in them and for some reason seem surprised when I do see myself in a picture that I have gotten this large. "Don't you see yourself in the mirror?" well. not if I can help it. If I even do put make up on anymore I do it in the car, the rearview is much smaller than a full length!

Oh, reading the articles about how stress causes you to lose weight, or not getting enough sleep at night slows your metabolism, or stress causes belley fat ... how many other articles can I read that will hand me an excuse? But that is just what it is an excuse but even more so it is a choice. I guess I have chosen to look the other way and allow myself to put on more than 70 lbs of extra weight. There was even a time that I thought that men are not interested in me because I am fat. And if they were not interested in me, then well, no reason to try, better yet, I would not get my heart broken or be disappointed again. Well, I am disappointed. I am disappointed in myself.

I will go out of my way to do for someone else in need. I find self worth and happiness in helping others. But when it comes to this, I am at a loss at how to really help myself and make it stick. I don't do for me. I can tell myself I am doing it for the girls. Yep, I need to lose weight for McKenna and Alyssa. I can say that learning to eat right will benefit them. That if I exercise that will provide a good role model for them. That they need a healthy mom ... health problems do occur from being overweight and yes ... at my age ...

I know that eating right and exercising is good for me. I liked it when I got to the gym even though it did require time and money that I felt selfish taking from the girls as something for me. I know that losing weight is possible other people have done it and the look and feel fabulous. I can go to another country to help people I do not even know but I can not get out of my bed int he morining to do something that will help me. I would do anything for my girls. So why can't I do this?

2nd Trip To The Dominican

June 2008

I am sincerely grateful for the prayers and support our team received when we traveled to the Dominican Republic. It is an amazing experience, one that continues to influence my life there and at home. We spend our time helping to build churches and doing children’s ministry but the main purpose for our being there is to build relationships; relationships with the people in La Romana and with Christ. Learning about and living a missional lifestyle is a study in flexibility, acceptance and inspiration. A Christ centered life.

This trip was different than my first trip last year. Then I was a blank slate with no expectations going completely on faith. Considering that I was added to the team 3 weeks before they left, I had no birth certificate, no passport and the week was in May (fortunately it was the week of testing and I do not teach during that week - a God thing, it was all a God thing!) This year, I found I was looking for people, experiences and things a recognized. A lesson learned this year, it is better to live life in faith, a blank slate that God fills with His glory. I was very happy to see Francis, a boy who touched my heart last year. Alyssa asks each year if Francis can come live with us. He and his brother used to live with his Grandmother. I learned that she passed away this year and they live with an Aunt and 14 other family members. The school that we work with in the DR has been accepted in the Compassion International program. This program lists the children for sponsorship which pays for their education, supplies and meals at school. Children ages 3-8 are eligible for sponsorship. Once sponsored, the children stay in the program until they are 20. Pastor Isidro has a spirit filled heart for these children and does not turn ANY child away from school regardless of finances. Francis is eleven and too old for sponsorship but Pastor Isidro and I have worked out a way to finance Francis’s education and I am pleased to see his progress from last year. I first met Francis in a group of children that were intrigued to write their name on a magna doodle toy I had. Francis could not spell his name. His teacher tells me this year that he is writing and reading some… Praise God!

We spent the week working with children, teaching lessons on unity in the church and working together for Christ. Somehow the language difference doesn’t seem to be a barrier. My Spanish gets better each trip and interpreters help immensely. The prayer walks through the barrios are always a special time. I am thankful to everyone who helped me gather Neosporin for Pastor Isidro. He immediately put 4 of the tubes in his pockets to keep with him as he walks among the children and visits the people in his perish. We were able to go and care for various families in both Haitian and Dominican barrios. The Haitian Barrio has a large gang population but I have never felt unsafe and the gang members understand we are there to help and support those in need. It takes an afternoon to travel out to Batay Mosquito which is a Haitian refugee community that works the sugar cane fields. We take food there. Last year I met a little girl that also touched my heart. She had long hair like McKenna but dark, big eyes like McKenna but deep brown and the same age as McKenna. I got to see Felicia again and she is growing, like McKenna. We also were able to complete a roof area of Pastor Santiago’s church that will provide space for Youth Ministry. This is something I could not do without the support of friends and family. Next year, God willing, Alyssa will join me.

Summer TIme

I have a friend that tells me all the time that with my education and experience, I could easily get a job where I would make more money than teaching. Well, money is nice to have and God has provided for me, He is faithful, but I would not choose another job right now. What other job would provide the time I have to be Mommy? And that is more important than money. It is very important to me to have the same schedule as the girls and to be able to spend time with them. McKenna is my little buddy, just as Alyssa was when she was little. Now at 16, her BFF's are cooler to hang out with than Mommy. To McKenna, Mommy is still pretty cool. But then again, she did just turn 5. All to soon she will be 16 and off with the BFF's. Til then, I will cherish the summer times.

Our summer started with me leaving for the Dominican Republic two days after school let out for the teachers. As always, an amazing trip. Different from the first time I went last year but always amazing to me. More on that later. I returned from the DR on Saturday to wash clothes, covered my 4th Sunday greeting at the three services at church, packed and headed for the beach Sunday afternoon. Each summer I try to get a week at the beach with Alyssa and McKenna so we can have some time together. Alyssa's friend Amanda went with us, as she usually goes places with us. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy to have her, but at 16 text messages on the cell phone get more conversation than parents. Well, to be fair, I am fortunate that Alyssa talks to me as much as she does, which really is a very open communicaiton between teenager and parent. Yes, text messages are ringing the phone about every 60 seconds but I am glad she can talk to me.


McKenna and I have been spending time at the pool, going to the free movies, Sunday in the park concerts and taking naps. I have had to work most days since July 7th. I am reorganizing the AG curriculum for Pitt County Schools. In their infinate wisdom, they have "restructured" the program for the gifted children in our schools. More on that too! I am not good at working from home, too many distractions, so I go in to school really early in the morning and write, reorganize etc and then head home to be able to take McKenna to the pool or something. Both girls are night owls and late sleepers so by the time Alyssa is up and ready to go hang out with friends, McKenna is up, watched a bit of Noggin (her favorite channel - preschool on tv as they describe themselves) and ready for the day. Sometimes McKenna gets to be a big girl and go with Sissy and Amanda places. Other times, she is content to hang with Mommy. That's my velcro baby!

Taking Many Steps

I started writing this blog because I am an extravert and need to get things out, look at them, move them around and well I guess then deal with them or attempt to. I have taken more steps to healing in the past three years, yes it has been three years since Aaron left. We were separated longer than we were married and now divorced since Sept. 6, 2007. But I found in making those steps and seeking healing, there was more to my brokenness than a second failed marriage that only lasted 22 months. I took many steps, not all of them in a forward motion. Not all of them as productive as others. The majority of them a learning experience, good and bad. But at least I was taking steps, even if they went forward, backward, sideways. I was taking steps to live life, not just an existance. I was seeking healing. I was seeking to stop the family dysfunction. I found myself seeking a relationship with Jesus Christ and that is where the healing began, that is when family was redefined, that is how the steps became less chaotic and more productive. I started taking steps with Jesus.