Fat VS Fluffy

I have always like the Garfield cartoon where he states, "I.m not overweight, I am undertall" and I have always laughed and said, "I'm not fat, I'm fluffy." Cute as it maybe and eaiser to refer to myself as fluffy .. just sounds better, more cuddly I suppose, it does not change the fact that I have allowed myself to gain more weight than I ever have in my life. More than when I was in the 9th month of either pregnancy. A bathtowel does not go around me so I use a beach towel or bath sheet. I take pictures everywhere we go, but hate being in them and for some reason seem surprised when I do see myself in a picture that I have gotten this large. "Don't you see yourself in the mirror?" well. not if I can help it. If I even do put make up on anymore I do it in the car, the rearview is much smaller than a full length!

Oh, reading the articles about how stress causes you to lose weight, or not getting enough sleep at night slows your metabolism, or stress causes belley fat ... how many other articles can I read that will hand me an excuse? But that is just what it is an excuse but even more so it is a choice. I guess I have chosen to look the other way and allow myself to put on more than 70 lbs of extra weight. There was even a time that I thought that men are not interested in me because I am fat. And if they were not interested in me, then well, no reason to try, better yet, I would not get my heart broken or be disappointed again. Well, I am disappointed. I am disappointed in myself.

I will go out of my way to do for someone else in need. I find self worth and happiness in helping others. But when it comes to this, I am at a loss at how to really help myself and make it stick. I don't do for me. I can tell myself I am doing it for the girls. Yep, I need to lose weight for McKenna and Alyssa. I can say that learning to eat right will benefit them. That if I exercise that will provide a good role model for them. That they need a healthy mom ... health problems do occur from being overweight and yes ... at my age ...

I know that eating right and exercising is good for me. I liked it when I got to the gym even though it did require time and money that I felt selfish taking from the girls as something for me. I know that losing weight is possible other people have done it and the look and feel fabulous. I can go to another country to help people I do not even know but I can not get out of my bed int he morining to do something that will help me. I would do anything for my girls. So why can't I do this?