Better Days

On Sunday 8/10, the director of care groups and missions, Mark, gave the message. (Click on his name, it is linked to the audio stream if you want to hear it ... ) At the end of the service he gave an alter call for those wanting to pray, accept Christ, etc. Well, I went up to specifically pray for discernment and guidance when it came to Alyssa and McKenna. I asked him to let me know how to best help them as they grow, etc. You know they say God works in mysterious ways, but did it have to come in the form of a screaming match that afternoon? Well, he allowed me to unravel that afternoon, only to help me figure out the steps this morning.

I woke up about 4 am with McKenna's feet on my head, could not go back to sleep so I got up and went to the couch. I turned the TV on and started flipping channels when the remote got stuck. I kept pushing the button but the channel did not change. It was the PBS/UNCTV channel and they were showing a documentary called Depression: Out of the Shadows. (I found a link to the show, click the title). Anyway I started hearing things in this documentary that changed the statement I kept saying Sunday afternoon, "I don't know what to do" and then I did. I was even excited about it. I wanted to so much to run upstairs and hug Alyssa and tell her everything was going to be OK and what I felt we should do, and I felt good about it. But I did not want to wake her. She needs the sleep I think. As an extrovert, I needed to verbalize my morning lightbulb turning on with this show, I needed to talk it out with someone, so I called Chad and told him and he did what he does best, listened and gave support, reminded me that he respected my decision. He asked if he could call me later and I told him I was going to be with Alyssa all day so I would not answer. He does respect my decision. He did not call at all today and allowed me to focus on her and spend the time.

My Mom took McKenna for the day. Alyssa and I went to Panera Bread for breakfast. There we talked about stuff. She told me stuff about friends, clothes, etc. The usual. She asked me if I had gone outside last night late (our house beeps when a door is opened). I told her yes, I went to get something out in the car. When I offered no more explanation, she said it must have taken you a while. I told her I left the door open so it would not beep when I came back in. She said, still it took you awhile, long enough for me to walk around the house looking for you, get a cucumber, peel it, slice it and go back upstairs. I don't remember what I said, but the conversation went on with me giving no more explanation. I then told her about the documentary and how it explained depression and anxiety. Some symptoms, things I knew about me. She knows I take medication for anxiety and obsessive guilt. We discussed how it is not something to be ashamed about. I tried to make it easier explaining that depression is genetic was well as environmental and that she has had some pretty traumatic experiences. I then shared my plan with her.

1. We both leave our cell phones in the kitchen when we go to bed. I do it in support of her. I ask her to so that she gets uninterrupted sleep and a break for the drama and text messages teenagers send it all hours. She reluctantly agreed.

2. We both are going to see a counselor, individually and then together if and when she would like. She did not say much but that she does not like telling her problems to people, they are her problems. We talked a little about it and I think she knows that the talk therapy will help. She wanted to know if she was going to have to take pills like me. I told her I did not think so but that if the counselor thought we needed to see her pediatrician then we would.

3. The documentary reinforced what I already knew, that exercise increases endorphins which help combat depression. So I am joining a gym that she and I can go work out at together after school. I told her we do not have to do it together, if she wants to put her headphones on and do her course and me do mine that was fine but that I would be more consistent if I was doing it with her and I do not want to be overweight anymore. She thought that was an OK idea.

4. I know that eating right will also help. So, with our crazy schedules or school, cheerleading etc, we are able to have family dinners on Sunday, Monday and Wednesday. (Friday and Saturday some but I understand that is football game and date night so...) She and I will research foods that help combat depression and anxiety and find recipes we can make together. That seemed to go over well.

5. I was not going to say anything about resigning from the GAL or CR programs but I told her}that on Thursdays when McKenna had tumbling from 5-6:30 she and I could have dinner just the two of us. She looked at me funny knowing that Thursday nights is when I always go to Celebrate Recovery at church so I told her about stepping down from the program responsibilities.

6. I was definitely not going to say anything about not seeing Chad anymore as I did not want her to blame herself or feel guilty, but since she pressed a little about me being outside late last night, he had come to bring me something and talk a moment. I told her I was not going to say anything but did not want to lie to her either. I let her know that I told Chad I could not see him anymore. She did not say anything and looked at the table. I told her it was my decision to make.

So, I have a plan. I take the steps to implement the plan. I understand that she may not like it or may be angry at me at times about it, but that it is my job to do what is best for her now, so that she can have an even better future. It is fixable. She had a little bad feelings that something is "wrong" with her but I tried to help her better understand that it is not something to be ashamed about or her fault, it IS fixable. We left, went shopping for school stuff. Ran a few errands together, picked up her boyfriend, got McKenna and went to the mall for lunch and then he joined us for a baseball game with my dad. She was in good spirits, it was a good day together.

I prayed for discernment and guidance and He was faithful. I will keep praying for better days.