Growning Pains at 16 and 41.

I opened my eyes and broke my heart today.

For years I have been hiding from the fact that my daughter has increasingly had anger issues from the time she was little. Even the times she flew off the handle about things I dismissed it as becoming a teenager, being a teenager. I have seen friends come and go, quick udgements made, jealousy towards her sister and intolerance to friends I have, especially Aaron or Chad. Not that it had anything to do with the person themselves or 'Who" they are, just "who they are to me". Now I know this all sounds mild, it is intended to as it hurts to recognize behaviors I had out of fear evolving into appeasement with her father, to recognize those same behaviors evolving in the same way with a side order of denial. But today, my eyes were opened as my ears heard the sounds of a mother and daughter screaming at each other and a suicide threat.

It is my job to take care of my children. It is my hope and goal that the dysfunction stops here. It is my dedication to take the job, hope and goal seriously. I have focused the last three years on healing and becoming a whole person able to be a good mom. I guess while I was healing me, I needed to push a little harder to get the same help for Alyssa, I was afraid to push too hard. Well, I feel better about myself than I ever have and relying of faith, grace and mercy have made all the difference in my life. I recognize that, I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalms 139:14 and deserving of more than I chose for myself in the past. That knowledge led me to meet Chad who taught me that there is unconditional love, earthly unconditional love and showed me selfless, Agape love.

After the dust settled, I made a few decisions. I contacted someone to help get counseling for both me and Alyssa, separate and together when ready. I resigned from the Guardian ad Litem program. I cannot spend extra time helping children of abuse and neglect when my own child needs it. I also resigned from the Celebrate Recovery team. Again, I need to focus my time and efforts on helping my children and me, our family recover from hurts, habits and hangups. And one bone of contention for Alyssa is me dating. It does not matter if it is fair, a scapegoat, misplaced or what, it is an issue that is not helping things, so I told Chad I could not see him anymore. When Aaron left I felt like someone had hit me in the stomach. As I sat there and explained what was happening and felt I needed to do, I literally could feel my heart break. He understood, respected my choice to focus time and energy on the needs of my children and let me go. McKenna has already asked for him and my standard answer will be, "he is working". She will understand that. He did not disappear.

I have to focus my time and effort, love and stength, my own faith, grace and mercy on what is most important to me.