Lessons This Woman Did Not Want to Learn.

I was sent this in an email from a woman I love and respect very much but oddly enough have never met face to face. We know each other very well, support each other unconditionally and are family although the only blood connection we have is McKenna. She is the sister of Aaron's mother who passed away when Aaron was McKenna's age now. She had become my friend, my Aunt Connie. I like the words that she sent, believe them for myself but do not believe men do.

"A Woman"

This is written in the Hebrew Talmud,

the book where all of the sayings and preachings

of Rabbis are conserved over time.

It says:

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry,

because God counts her tears.

The woman came out of a man's rib,

not from his feet to be walked on,

not from his head to be superior,

but from the side to be equal.

Under the arm to be protected

and next to the heart to be loved."

Pass this on to all theexceptional women in your life ...

and to the men as well so they know the value of a woman.

What startled me was my response to her.

I have seen the words before and they are beautiful. Unfortunately I have learned from the teacher called experience, that men do not feel this way. Not men about women, husbands about wives or fathers about daughters ... society has created a gender that does not take responsibility and made it easy to abandon. Please forgive me for the negetivity and over generalizing but between my dad, Steven and how he treats his mom, me, Alyssa, Aaron and his disappearing act not only with me but Alyssa, McKenna, Katie and Chris - as any kind of real father, a friend of mine that I really cared about who did the Mr. Magician act, and my brothers, David well, you know that story and Matt who lives in the same town as me but I have never seen their house, know I can not call on him if I needed help, etc ... In earthly men it does not exsist.

I ask myself, what am I looking for? What am I expecting? Well, I didn't expect them to just quit. I do not expect to be taken care of, I do not know. I supposed each of them taught me a hard lesson I do not like that I have learned. What to glean out of it? What to do next is generally my take on lessons learned. These I just do not understand at all and am lost on what to learn and what to do next.

McKenna Magic

You have read before where I can only describe this child as joy, pure joy. She tickles me and I so like being with her and seeing her do things. From sun up to Night Night she is just magic. This morning whe woke up beside me, rolled over, looked at me and said, "Morring Mommy. I lud you" We got up, had some cereal together and talked at the kitchen table, dressed and went over to my mom's to check on her and if she needed anything. McKenna walks in, says to Grandma, "Your booboo hurt?" Grandma says, "a little". "No worry, it be all better gammaw" I left her with my mom for an hour to go to the gym and she told me she would take care of Gammaw, "we be fine". As I left she stood at the door blowing kisses and waving.

I cam back and got cleaned up and we went to a birthday party of a friend of mine's 5 year old. It was at the bowling alley. McKenna bowled and at the end of the 7th frame she was ahead of everyone. She had 89 points! Her first bowl was a strike! And she got two spares too. It just tickled me how after the first time she bowled, she knew just what too do each time after. Mommy got the ball and she walked out, got the metal ramp, slid it to the line, took the ball from me and pushed it down the ramp. Being the littlest bowler, they did not have shoes for her but that did not stop her. And when she noticed her little friend, Lindsey (a little sister of a party goer, in McKenna's day care and LD) she noticed Lindsey was not getting a turn (she was not bowling) McKenna wanted Lindsey to take her turn, set it all up for her, Lindsey pushed the ball and McKennas jumped up and down, clapped and said, "Yea Lindy, Good job!"

We went shopping after that. Just browsing. She likes to hide in the clothes racks. But if I say, "McKenna, I need to see you" she pops right out with a "I right here, Mommy" with a big smile! We came home for a nap. As she layed down, she said, "Go Sissy after nap, Mommy?" I told her yes we would go get Sissy after our nap. She hugged me asked to snuggle and said, "I lub you, Mommy"

I love you too baby!!!

Validation

I remember at time when Steven and I were in counseling, creating a parenting agreement during our separation. He did not like some of the things the mediator was saying and stormed out with a few choice words directed at me. I sat there I suppose with a pretty shell shocked look on my face. I think I had that look a lot that year+. But it also was a time of great validation for me too. The mediator/therapist leaned over, gently touched my hand and said, "Your not crazy". Finally! Someone else was seeing it too! For a while there I had blamed myself so much, that it had to be me. And nowI find myself in that same position, questioning, is it me? It can't be them, too much of a coincidence or something, it has to be me. Or is it that I make that many bad decisions and get involved with crazy people. I think I am the only one that is taking responsibility for my actions and words so it must be me. But if it is me, then why is that what they are continuing to do seems so wrong and hurts people?

OK, to explain now what happened. I got a call Monday night at 9 something PM. I was in the movie theater (yes, it was on silent mode). It was Aaron's exwife. She identified herself and I told her I was in the middle of a movie could I call her back. She snapped at me that she needed my brother's phone number. Well, I do not just give out people's phone numbers without checking with them first. So I did, I checked with him. He did not want to call her but told me I could give her his number. Ok, done, will do that when the movie is over so I am not talking in the theater. Well, she is insistent. She calls again. I do not answer. As I leave the theater, I check the message. "Beth, I would not be calling you if this were not important! I need David's number, please call me back immediately". OK, what now? I call her. She immediately starts in on how this is important and she needs his number. I ask what is going on. She says she is not at liberty to say right now. Well, I guess I am not at liberty to give out numbers. She tells me I will find out when I check my email. OK, "why don't you just tell me now so I do not have to take the time to check my email. " "I don't have time for this, Beth, give me the number!" I again asked about the email. It seems we got and email from Aaron. He was upset about his lack of finances and what he has to pay to support the kids. She calls him. He is crying and very depressed. She did not say it but I can only guess she was figuring he was suicidal and she felt it was her duty to get him in touch with his best friend. I told her that David was with family at the moment and I would call him and relay the message. "Just give me the number Beth!" Sue is a drama queen and likes to be the center of attention and the hero so to speak and I told her so. "Oh, now we see your true colors, this is not about being a f*$&!^g hero and has nothing to do with me!" she yells. I said, "Sue everything you do has to do with you, you love being the center of attention no matter who you hurt" "What does that mean? How do I do this?" I told her she did this by using the children as a weapon against Aaron, Me even her own sister. Of course then she wanted to know and when did I hear this directly from her sister? I said, "Sue, I thought you did not have time for this". I told her I would call my brother. She said, "Beth, Aaron is not going to talk to you" Why? ... oh this really got me .... she said he would not talk to me because, "You and I are the ones who have caused this problem for him." How? .... I did not think it would get worse .... "cause you and I are the ones asking for more and more money from him" OH! I LOST IT! I have held my tongue for 5 years but being told by her that I was the problem and trying to get more money from him was the last straw for me!!! This camel broke!!! I told her, "Don't ever compare me to you! I have never asked him for anything. I do not get childsupport. She is the self absorbed, self centered one who uses her kids to hurt others, (yes like a weapon she uses them), I let her know that I get NO child support, Aaron pays McKenna's day care ONLY. I have not gone to CSE to file for anything, I HAVE given him money and helped him out of having to pay taxes! I work for a living and take care of my responsibilities while she sits on her a$$ at home and lives off of Michael and I felt sorry for Michael! That I would call MY BROTHER and have hime get in touch with MY HUSBAND, yes contrary to what you think Aaron and I are still married and that she should NEVER ever compare me to her!" and I hung up. My friend Beth who I went to the movies with was applauding and saying good for you! She is glad I finally got mad and stopped taking it from these people. I guess it did not add to Sue's favor that I had just had to deal with Steven and he was a prince (toad to put it nicely) and that Katie and Chris were begging me to come get them so they could come to McKenna's birthday (Sue won't bring them even half way, we have been through that and Aaron may not have the gas money to come) AND I got an email supposedly written by Katie earlier that day asking for me or someone in my family to come get them for the birthday, that her mom would gladly give up her weekend for me to see them.

Well, I did call David. He did try to get Aaron last night and in the morning again. He called me earlier today and said that he left a message that if he did not hear from him in 30 minutes he was heading to Rocky Mt. Well about an hour later, David called me back. He had talked to him and Aaron just wanted to be left alone. So, I called Sue to let her know we had heard from him, he was alright and wanted to be left alone and asked that she not call him and I hung up. I got the following email after my phone call to her.

Beth,
I appreciate your call telling me that Aaron was okay. However, after the horrendous way you spoke to me last night, I no longer wish to have any contact with you what so ever. Your instability came across loud and clear and I do not want nor do I need to deal with that from you.
I did talk to David last night and he had no problem giving me his numbers. I will go through him from now on.
And as far as having the Children, (which I have been told by many that you said you “hated them” at one time) unless Aaron is there, it will not happen. I no longer trust or respect you. And I do not think it would be wise to have Aarons and my children around such unpredictability. You may call that “using the children as a weapon”, I call it protection.
There is so much more I would like to say, but I am not going to stoop to your level.

Susan

P.S.
no need to reply, you are on my blocked senders list.

And it is me who is crazy and unstable?

From Feet to Fingers and in Between!

I am the middle generation. They call it the sandwich generation. Those people that are parents to their kids and also helping out and taking care of their parents. I really do not "take care" of my mom. Actually she still takes care of me sometimes and I am grateful. So when she needs something I am always more than willing to help. She had to go in for surgery on her feet today. First thing I said to her this morning when I went to pick her up and take her in was of course, "You ready?" and she answered that she really did not want to do this. So I had to ask if she HAD to and she said her doctor told her that it couldn't be any worse that what she was dealing with now. "Well does it hurt all the time?" "No, but I can not walk for more than 30 minutes without it hurting and I should walk 30 minutes everyday for my health." She we went, checked her in, took my information of how to get hold of me and when to be back etc. I took her purse and glasses and they asked her if she had any jewelry. She said no. There was a very well dressed, attractive, staunch looking, older woman standing at the counter by us as we were having this conversation so I just had to ask one last question, "Did you take you belly button ring out Mom?" My mom, the nurse and even the staunch attractive well dressed woman laughed. A little humor never hurt anyone. I am such a good daughter.

Alyssa came back from Ridgecrest yesterday. She not only seemed to have a good time but she was inspired! She called me Tuesday night and told me about a rind in their student store that she bought. It was a silver purity ring. It says True Love Waits and she asked me if it was ok that she got it and if she wore it on her left ring finger until she got and engagement ring. When she got home, she told me that she considered taking the ring back. She did not want people to see it and think it was a cute fad but that it had meaning. But she also did not want people to make it into weirdo thing. The next morning, their morning message was about Sex and how God felt about it. She said it was the best sex talk she had ever had. (that comment caught me off guard considering she started our conversations with that she "had had the best sex talk she had ever had at camp") Anyway, I asked her since she was questioning her purchase, did she get her answer? Yes, she is wearing the ring and it has even more meaning to her than when she bought it. God answered he question.

And as for little McKenna. We are doing great with the potty training. She wears a diaper at night but really does not need it. It has been dry every morning. She is taking the initiative to go by herself and wants to go on the big potty. This has been really pretty easy.

I am really proud of both my girls! Praise God for the gifts I have been given!


OK, what is going on with the pictures? I upload them and they are just not there? ARGH!

Wear Your Hope Helmet

Sundays are always good days for me. I really look forward to going to church. It is the one place in a long long time that I have felt safe and accepted for who I really am. I don't have to be the bubbly happy person, the dutiful daughter, the flexible, optimistic coworker and the list goes on. Oh, do not get me wrong, I am those things. I have been those things for so long it is what defines me, I suppose but sitting at church I get an unexplainable feeling of being free, accepted, safe simply for being me. There are sometimes I do not want to leave and head back to real life just let me stay there where the music lifts me up, the love is inspiring and the word is guidance for when I do have to leave. I spent most of the morning there today. When to the 8:20 service. Then during the 9:40 service I sat in and watched the video by Dr. D. James Kennedy, The DaVinci Code Delusion. It was very interesting just as the FICTION novel by Dan Brown is. And then during the 11:10 service I went to the Crown Financial class like I have been for several weeks. I have been working on healing me and getting me back in order as life goes on that the next thing I need to figure out is how to get the financial life healing. It is hard to do this when half of the house hold income decides to walk out. He is finding himself in a financial pickle too!!

Making the decision to not do this alone more than a year ago was a good one. If people only knew and remembered that they are not alone even when they feel isolated and completely devalued. We are not, we are worthy of an awesome gift we have all been give. If we choose to accept it. I remember that each time I walk into our church. It is hope, love and faith. Wrap your heart in love and faith, but wear hope like a helmet. A helmet of hope that protects you from the delusions that we are told. Delusions that are perceived as fact but are nothing but exaggerations, opinions or misinterpretations of our lives and told to us by people we think are more than we are so it become believable.

I love the music at our church. There are so many songs that touch my heart and speak to me. We sang this one this morning as we have on Sundays past, but I rarely get through it without tears of hope, love, faith and great appreciation of the blessings that are mine from my friends that have been there for me and the friend I have named Jesus.

You don't have to worry
And don't you be afraid
Joy comes in the morning
Troubles they don't last always
For there's a friend in Jesus
Who will wipe your tears away
And if your heart is broken
Just lift your hands and say

Oh I know that I can make it
I know that I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands
With Jesus I can take it
With Him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands

So when your tests and trials
They seem to get you down
And all your friends and loved ones
Are nowhere to be found
Remember there's a friend in Jesus
Who will wipe your tears away
And if you heart is broken
Just lift your hands and say

Oh I know that I can make it
I know that I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands
With Jesus I can take it
With Him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands

Kirk Franklin

Life Goes On

And life goes on ... my girls continue to grow and pas miles stones in their lives. Alyssa graduated from the 8th grade today. Her grandmother and I were there. Afterwards I signed her out of school, it was chaos and I really did not think she needed to be in all that. She was crying when we left wanting to say good bye to her friends that she went to school with for the past three years some of them the past six years. They will all be going off to high school. Our neighborhood has been redistricted so she will be going to a different high school than all her friends and her boyfriend (Zac) and I umderstand that is hard. She know that my mom and I moved to this town andI started at the same high school she is going to. I was knew to the school, new to the town, new to the state. I was fortunate that they had not had cheerleading tryouts at the end of the previous year so I got to try out, made it and made new friends. Fortunately Alyssa made cheerleading, will get to know the other girls this summer at camps and practices and will have some friends but I know she will miss her two best friends and Zac. Life goes on.

McKenna is hitting that milestone of potty training. She is doing REALLY well with the potty and tinkling in it. Occasionally we have an accident, sometimes we just go in, sit on the potty and come out with a bare behind. I suppose it is easier that way. We have most of our "accidents" going poopy. She was watching a movie the othe day on the couch. Kicked back, relaxing, laying on her side watching "Aslan the good lion". I was in the kitchen when I hear a terribly needy and nervous, "Mommy" I answered and then came an even more nervous, "Mommy .... the poopy's coming" I ran to the couch and sure enough, it was. I scooped her up with her hiney up in the air and headed to the bathroom. It was like a human Play Doh machine! It kept on comimg. I got her to the potty, sat her down just in time for PLOP! We celebrated that McKenna poopied in the potty!!! Hey, gotta make things positive as we learn cause Life Goes On!

My Little Girls Are Growing Up

June 1st was a big day at our house. My grandma would have been 88 years old but we celebrated with life! Wonderful things are happening in my girls' lives and I am so blessed to be a part of it, help them, guide them, and watch them grow.

Alyssa had her first big date. She went to the 8th grade prom with prince charming and she felt like Cinderella. She had a pretty white eyelet, strapless dress that came just above the knee and a pink ribbon tied at her waist. You know there has to be pink somewhere if it is Alyssa. I picked her up from school and McKenna and I took her to get her hair done. She had it washed and straightened. The hairdresser, Amy, pulled it back on the sides and then made some really soft long curls that flowed over the straight hair. It was very pretty. We then took her to have her make up done. Soft pinks and neutrals, it all made her eyes look really blue. She was beautiful. She dressed at home quickly because, in true Beth fashion, we were late. Her friends and date were meeting at Emily's house for pictures and then off to the dinner dance.

We arrived at Emily's. Grandma was there too, she wanted to see her but did not stay for the pictures, she just really wanted to see Alyssa. The girls came out to meet us and then walked inside. McKenna and I followed. I just could see Zac's face when she walked into the room. His eyes widened and he was a bit awe struck. Alyssa and Emily had gotten Meredith a corsage so they gave it to her and her mom pinned it on. Emily's date gave her a wrist corsage and Zac gave Alyssa a pretty wrist corsage with white daisies, her favorite, and a pink ribbon. Just perfect. Then he gave her a little box. He had gotten her a silver necklace with a little heart pendant. I took the necklace she had planned to wear to the dance tha matched her earrings off (Alyssa is very fashion conscience. She matches her jewelry, purses, shoes, outfits everything!) Zac then put the new necklace on her. It was like the papparatzi had arrived with all the camera flashes. They piled into Zac's mom's SUV with the girls all in the middle seat and Zac in the back like the "family dog" (little inside joke of our family's) and off they went to the dance.

McKenna and I went to Grandma's to eat dinner and then on the way home took a detour by the school to go peek in at the dance. A good time was being had by all!

So if you think that is big, it was even bigger! When I picked McKenna up from school to go get Sissy, she had been wearing big girl panties all day! Only had one little accident. She wore big girl panties while we were getting the hair and make up done and went to the potty several times - and actually went! That was her first time out in public with no diapers and she did really really well. She has been wearing big girl panties for the past few days and going potty like a big girl. She picked out some Tinkerbelle panties to wear. When she keeps her panties dry all day, she can wear the Tinkerbelle ones.

My little girls are growing up.