Where Did THAT Come From?

Well, I started back to school today. The bus picking up the kids from school was late so I got to class about 20 minutes late. I had told my professor that there was a possibility of that happening, he seemed to understand. So, I walk in late and am faced with a sea of very young faces. It is a graduate level course but undergrads can take it, us grads just have to a little extra in class. We spent the majority of the class meeting and greeting each other. There are 35 in the class and we had to interview the person sitting near us and the introduce them to the class, typical icebreaker kind of activity. Then we went over the syllabus. One of our graded assignments will be to do a reflection at the end of each class. He did not require us to do a reflection at the end of today's class but since I was hanging out to read and study before meeting my mom and the girls for dinner I wrote one. This is what came spilling out of my pen when I started to write on January 11th....

5 years ago on this day, I reconnected with a dear friend of mine, someone I had admired since I was a kid in high school. The fire and chemistry between us had stayed hidden for years but was released in a passion of which neither of us had ever known before. A knight in shining armor, even riding a white horse, well at least a white car. A man that I had always held in my heart for more than 18 years. A man that I had an unexplainable connection with from the day I met him. I believed him when he said that there were times a feeling came over him and it was my face he saw. We spent time together trying to remain "just friends" building on that connection that was constantly fueled by chemistry. It had been over 6 years since we had spoken or seen each other and he coined the phrase "No disappearing" not from each other, not from our lives, not from our friendship. It took a long time for us to have our "first date" . My knight in shining armor was now becoming my soulmate. He wanted love, commitment, family, security. We talked, spent time, listened, cherished and honored each other.

We married with our friends and family around us. Our blended family of children beside us and the miracle of a child that would bind the two families together as one, biologically and spiritually, on the way. A beautiful little girl that was ours. All of ours together. Now, blended families are not easy. 2nd marriages are not easy. The economy is never easy and it takes its toll, especially on a man who defines himself on how he can provide or not provide but I was committed, ready to honor and cherish all of us together knowing it would not be easy. Unfortunately that was not always clear to him. There were ups and downs and good times and not so good times in the time to come.

1 year ago on January 11th I received a gift from a dear friend, a silly pair of slippers he sent me as a surprise and in support of what I was doing at school. It came with a note that was signed I love you, KISA. That same night we had another "first date" to reconnect. We were like high school kids at dinner, talking, touching, the chemistry and passion resurfacing. A dozen roses waited for me in my car as we left the restaurant to go to a movie. At the movie we were again like kids, sitting in the back row, a place I have never sat. Kissing, touching, the chemistry and passion between two people that promised to never disappear.

4 days later he was gone.

Today is January 11th and I have started a new part of my life looking forward. The passion and the chemistry will be in my memories. The connection deep in my heart as it has always been. My knight in shining armor has gone away to slay his own dragons in his own silence. Escaping to find peace as he chases the wind. Fear not an endlessness, my knight in shining armor will be pulled from the wreckage of his silent reverie one day. Just as our beautiful little girl will grow, life will go on because there is no disappearing from life.

You will always be in my heart, Aaron, I will always hold you in regard as a knight in shining armor hoping you find what you are looking for with Godspeed, and I have to wonder, what happens to the connection as we say ...Good Bye.

If you know me, you know how I feel about the words "Good Bye".