Men Disappear

Despite that it is not always the humorous or the excepted thing for women and men to actually try to understand each other, on the contrary there are hundreds of jokes out there and comics find easy material in making fun of the opposite sex, getting a laugh at the other gender's expense. I have never thought it was funny to get a laugh at someone's expense no matter what sex they are. A friend of mine sent me several men bashing jokes the other day and yes I did pass them on to women and one man that might get a kick out of them but the funniest thing about the email, to me, was that is was a man who sent it. What weakness would it really show if we did try to understand the opposite sex. What deep dark secrets would we divuldge and leave our sex vulnerable? And what difference would it make anyway? Are we not to honor the men in our lives and they cherish the women? Wouldn't the encompass a genuine attempt at understanding and not be afraid to be vulnerable?

If experience is the best teacher then I would have learned the lesson that men disappear. And that started at an early age.

Dad: I was 11 when my Dad decided at 40 that he needed to go out and find himself. He was a PhD professor, father of 4, husband of 17 years, active in his church, friend to many. Is that not who he was? He moved a block away but I rarely saw him. I moved to another state when I was 14 and did not see him again until I was 19. And is went from there that the most important man in my life would be a shadow of disappearance.

My first real love: We met the first day of college and he said he knew. He went home and told his family that he had met the woman he was going to marry. We dated for 2 1/2 years and were engaged. We were engaged for 2 1/2 more years when he called me on the phone my last semester in college (I was on the -4 year plan, he the 7 year plan), and told me he was not sure about getting married. Since he still had a year to finish after me, since he would be in school and I would have the job, that is was not perfect. He described it as buying a truck and keeping it in the garage until it has the right rims, tires, accessories on it first and then and only then he would drive it. I was a truck and he disappeared. I found out 5 months later he was engaged getting married in 3 months to a girl 9 years his junior, 5 years younger than me. He gave her my engagement ring and they tell me she looked just like me when I was a freshman in college. I have been replaced and he disappeared.

Buddy for Life: I met SKB the month after my first love did his disappearing act. He was sweet, had a fun job (ran a dive shop) and had cool hobbies (sailboat, diving, catamaran, lived at the beach) Our first "date" was a dive 110 feet to a new world I had never seen before complete with dolphins racing the boat on our way to the site, flying fish on the way back and the most beautiful colors and graceful creatures I had ever seen in the middle. From then on we were "Buddies". He was a 23 year old virgin, not that that means anything about me but should tell you much about him and no it was not a Christian belief of no sex out of marriage because he is not a believer. We got engaged 3 months after meeting and married 4 months later in a fairytale wedding Cinderella would have envied. The inscription in I had placed in his ring was "Buddies for Life" but the moment the minister introduced us a Mr. and Mrs. my buddy disappeared. He got angry at me as we walked up the isle because I did not do it right. He got angry at me as we left our reception because I left my purse and ruined our perfect get away. And for the next nine years I learned I did very little right from loading the dishwasher to raising our daughter. My Buddy had disappeared and a 911 call got us out.

My Best Friend: Have you ever wondered if you are or are not engaged? I did. I mean he asked, I said yes and we planned of getting married when our divorces were final. Yes, we had only been separated a few months when we considered getting married and we did live 3 states away but the love and the promise was there. Until one day in December when my year separation was almost over, I was 2 weeks away from moving 2 states closer and out of a nightmare when I was jarred awake. He came to see me, kissed me at I opened the door, it was 6 am so we stumbled back to bed with talk of my moving and what to do when the papers were signed. He said he missed his best friend and I told him I was right here. I told him I missed my best friend and he said he was right there. To my astonishment he was headed back to his state that morning, he had to go. He got out of bed and disappeared. No answer to my questions of why or what happened if I even got him on the phone. Where was my friend? My best friend had disappeared but I was still wearing the ring.

A Knight in Shining Armor: OK, now, I can imagine you are sitting there thinking classic woman looking for Daddy's love. Yes, I suppose so. A marriage that happened too quickly - always be engaged for at least 6 months huh? And never rebound into a relationship! But here he came, even riding a white horse, well at least driving a white car. A man I had known and admired for 18 years of my life. A man that I had had an unexplainable connection with since the day I met him. I refused to say I was dating him as I did not want to rush into anything again. We spent time together as friends building that connection that was constantly fueled by chemistry. My Knight in Shining Armor had always been there and was now becoming my soulmate. He wanted love, commitment, family. We talked, spent time, listened, cherished and honored each other. We were people of the opposite sex that were not afraid to be vulnerable to get her, not afraid to divuldge those deep down secrets, we spent time understanding each other. We married with our friends and family around us. Our blended family of children beside us and the miracle of a child that would bind the two families together as one biologically on the way. Beautiful little girl that was ours. All of ours together. Now, blended families are not easy. 2nd marriages are not easy as the exspouses add another difficulty. The economy is never easy and takes its toll but I was committed, ready to honor and cherish all of us together knowing it would not be easy. 1 year and 10 months after we got married he decided he was broken and need to fix himself and he disappeared.

With life lessons like this, I have learned to slow down, cherish me and and then him, learn to know and understand that person and yet I still believe in love.