I left school today pretty much on autopilot. I had to go out to the church to pick up some edits on a training manual I am designing for them and was glad I had some place to go, do, be. I say I went on autopilot cause I did not even look up to speak, wave or smile at Connie in the office as I left and she is one of my favorite people, spiritual energy and support. Ever since Monday I have not had a minute that I did not think about him and there seems to be a hole in my heart again. Each time I think I have them filled ...
But today I drove where I needed to go and found that the thoughts were empty, things felt empty. So what d
o you do when things are empty? Fill them up! And I did with chips and chili and icecream... Rocky Road. Blew my points for the day! But a food fest like that does not fill that kind of emptyness. I miss him I thought. But then I reminded myself to slow down, what are your really thinking Beth? Is it that I miss HIM or the idea of him? OK, keep slowing down, put down the spoon dripping with icecream. What are you thinking? What is the idea? I miss feeling cared for, protected, the safeness a woman feels wrapped in the love of a man. OK we are slowing enough to work through this. I missed being taken care of. I miss my big brother. And then it slowed down enough to where the chili and icecream (no I was not eating them together), the chili and icecream fell away and I knew. I miss my dad. 
I don't remember my dad. I did not have a dad to take care of me like Andy takes care of Shannon. So it is not really MY dad that I miss. I mean I really do not even know my dad. I missed having a dad. Learning and experiencing the love of a father's relationship and care and it left an emptiness that I long to fill. Food won't do it. Finding "any man" won't do it. I can not attempt to fill an emptiness with food just as I cannot attempt to fill the hole in my heart with love from other people. It has to come from me. There is a father that loves me. I have said it before, I just need to put it in the same autopilot program ... God is the father of my family and the husband in my heart. He is the father that will not leave me empty.
2 comments:
You're right, Beth. Food or any other man-designed item will not fill the holes. Even worse, we cannot fill them ourselves. We must be still and let Him do it. Only He can, anyway. It is so hard to do - give up control and what we think are our desires - but together we can achieve it. And rest assured I walk with you in my prayers every day. <3
Beth,
I actually read this (more than once I must admit) when you first posted it. I really didn't know what to add as you seemed to be thinking it though on your own and came to the best conclusion to the story on your own. If we try to fill our hearts (and souls and stomachs) with things of this world (even though by human nature that's what we are driven to do) we will at some point feel empty again. As I am finding out more and more, there is something larger than all of this here. There is meaning beyond what we can see, or smell, or taste or feel that escapes us. You know the answer, you have said it several times before. God is your husband and your father. He is always there and he will never leave you or forsake you for another. Unconditional love, something we are not (I believe) capable of on this Earth. This is something I am just starting to see and understand in my early steps of faith, but it is a hard lesson even for the seasoned Christian. When you are suffering, turn to Him who is always there, always listening, always loving. He won't disappoint you.
You also seem to have others who care about you. Revel in their friendship. As I have since I first started reading your posts, I will remember you in my prayers too. That God will fill your heart with that which seems to be missing now. Will replace your hunger with a hunger to be closer to him. Rocky Road is no replacement for that. But on occasion don't beat yourself up for enjoying a little ice cream either.
-Chet
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