It'll Drive You Crazy - UPDATE

Just so you know ... I was told that the title and tags of the car were transferred. I was supposed to receive the old tag when he brought McKenna back on Sunday. But he did not come to get her for the weekend because he did not have money to put gas in the car and come get the kids. I suppose I could go check with DMV to make sure it really happened but I would rather be positive and have faith. Call me an idiot but I am not going to let negetivity and pessimism get to me and run my life. Now, I know... what about the taxes ... I will let you know how that turns out.

OH! and to let you know, a check arrived in the mail Saturday to cover his part of the car insurance that will draft out on Monday the 1st. :)

Just Call Me Edward Scissorhands

It occurred to me that I write in this blog when something dramatic is happening. I refuse to give into the drama. There is way too much of it anyway. So as I am getting my life back in order and healing, I am making strides in the more mundane areas of life too.

About to finish the semester and am disappointed in myself but am going to have to take an incomplete on the Independent Study I am doing along with the class. The class went really well. I enjoyed it very much. I know Independent studies are not my thing, just like I could never work from home. Way to many distractions and I am not self disciplined enough. I have to have someplace to go and deadlines to meet. I work better that way. I am still trying to get as much gym time in ... Hey Chet ... 6 more pounds! And I am as active as ever at church. I was just asked to be on the Hospitality team and will be greeting on the 4th Sunday of each month and also be serving on the communion team. This past Saturday was Serves Up where our church was working with 19 different agencies volunteering and helping out. The girls and I went to the Zoe House on 4th street. It is a house for women trying to stay off drugs and a place to keep them off the streets. We were there fixing their yard, built a picnic table etc. I trimmed all their bushes and cleared the vines off the fence. It inspired me.

At home I trimmed all my bushes. I have lived here 5 years and do not think I have ever trimmed the bushes. But I did this weekend. Mowed the yard and Wednesday I plan to drag everything from my back yard that makes it look like Sanford and Son live here. Thursday is trash day. I do not want to make my neighbors suffer too long with all the junk at the street. But the yard is shaping up. The house is shaping up. I am shaping up. And in turn life is shaping up!

It'll DRIVE you Crazy

In January the car insurance drafted out of my account. Aaron did not have the $$ to pay me at the time and it came back NSF. The insurance company gave me until Feb 6 to get it taken care of. Aaron got his part to me Feb 10th after he got paid but on the 6th I walked into the insurance agency to give them a check. Sorry ... they needed cash or a cashiers check. It was 5:15, no way was I going to get to the bank and back in time. So, my agent pulled the money out of his pocket, CASH, paid it and I paid him so the insurance would not lapse. Now, I know you are thinking, why is Aaron having to give me money for the car insurance. Well, yes he did buy the car from me last summer but asked if he could stay on the insurance because he could not get a cheaper policy. So he is on my policy.

Saturday, April 22, I get a card in the mail that I must relinguish my tags as there was a lapse in insurance February 6th. So, down to the insurance agancy I go, get the FS1 form to prove to DMV there was not lapse. I go to DMV with the form. And she asks me, which car is this for. I siad their is only one car in my name. She said no I have two here. Please do not tell me one of them is a Nissan. Yep! And still in my name. He has the title but has not changed it over. And the tags of the Nissan are expired. I have to have the tag removed before I can remove the insurance. I can not have the tag removed without either physically removing it from his car or the title and tags switching over. Yes, I talked to him about it. He said he would take care of it tomorrow.

Do I need a license to be driven crazy?

Explore & Dream

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream."(Mark Twain)


I find this to be so, so true. I look upon my life and the things I have done. Pretty cool things I suppose. In my jobs as Director of Education for two major zoo/aquariums. Worked for NASA and helped write a book and 2 online interactive programs for them (Echo the Bat & Amelia the Pigeon). Spent time in the Soviet Union when it was still named that and was almost bought by a Moor to be a wife in his harem. Sailed across the Baltic Sea, had James Bond 007 knock me down on the sidewalk is Stockholm. I have played basketball with dolphins and given a bath to a rhinoserous. I watched the space shuttle take off live and on the grounds of Kennedy Space Center. I have experienced life growing inside me twice, two miricles of life. I have found Christ and placed Him at the center of my heart and still in awe daily at what he sacreficed for me.

But I have never been genuinely in love. In an equal, healthy, supportive, accepting, loving relationship. But I will not be disappointed. I believe. I have hope that it will come. And when it does, I will know it because I will not be scared or aprehensive. He will guide me as he has guided me this past year + and given me friends that deepen my heart and heighten my life. I am so blessed and grateful. Time is on my side to explore and dream all that He has in store for me.

Her Decision or Delusion?

Well, I got my response from Sue. Of course this is after she called me to see if I was going to get the children this weekend (I found out later she needed a babysitter for Saturday Night - fine I have no problem helping out). She is more than willing for them to be with me IF I come and get them and bring them home. I was afraid that she would not like my response about meeting half way instead of agreeing to her terms of "you want to see my kids you come get them" that she would retaliate using the children as the weapon of choice as she has done to Aaron many times.
It is sad really.

I wrote:
Susan,
I just got an email from Steven. He will be getting Alyssa Saturday early evening so she will be here for some of the weekend. I appreciate you offering me your weekend and will gladly help you out with the kids since you need a babysitter for Saturday night anyway.

I understand your feelings about it being Aaron's responsibility to come to Cary to get the kids but I am not Aaron and feel we can compromise on behalf of Katie and Chris. I will gladly meet you half way wherever you designate on Friday or Saturday and again on Sunday. The precedence that you feel you need to set is just that, something you want to set for you ... it does not really have anything to do with Katie or Chris's benefit. I do not mean to upset you or challenge your choice with Aaron, that precedence I agree with you on. You are Katie and Chris's mom and I will respect whatever choice you make whether to compromise and work together for the kids to be able to see McKenna and Alyssa or not. You are their mom and the decision maker. We always love having them and they are welcome anytime. I would never presume to ask you to come all the way to Greenville as I feel it is fair to meet you because I am grateful to see the kids and take care of them while you and Michael get time together at the theater.

Let me know if you would like to meet Friday (anytime) or Saturday (Morning or evening - I have to take McKenna to a bday party sometime Sat. - where is that invitation?) and the time. I hope we can work something out.
Give our love to Chris and Katie

Her decision
Beth,
I feel that there is a definite tug of war going on; One that both the children and I are involved in.
I believe that it would be best if since the children got to know you through their father, that if they want to see you, they need to deal with him on that as well. It is a tragic situation, true, but separation and divorce do happen and "families" are torn apart.
I need to preserve my family and my children's relationship with their father, grand father and Aunt. That in itself is a lot of responsibility.
If Aaron feels that he needs to preserve Katie and Chris'a Relationship with you and Alyssa as well, I have NO problem with that, but as their father, he needs to make that call, not me.
Yes it will be hard to explain to Katie and Chris the reality of the situation, but I hope in time they will understand. When you and Aaron were together, you were a part of their lives because you were his wife. Now that is no longer so. I believe in my heart that continuing to foster a relationship will only hurt the children more. It will only confuse them more, and make things more difficult in the future.
It is time to move on, let go, cry a little, mourn, and start to deal with what is here and now.
I am sorry if this hurts you, I mean you no ill will. I hope you know that. But my children are living and trying to grasp at a past that no longer exists. They have come to accept Aaron's and my divorce, and know that is reality, a separation must be made somewhere and I think this is the place.
If the children wish to see you and Alyssa that is fine, but they will have to go through their father.

Where did half of this come from? Does not really matter, I will continue to say, "you can not get a rational response from and irrational person" Please forgive me for praying for the children only.

Will A Man Ever Ask This?

I had someone ask me recently, if I could just share my thoughts, right outload, nothing to lose, what wouls I say I wanted in a relationship/mate? I am afraid that my list would consist of things I know I don't want learned from relationships past. I have a new life and a new relationship based on Christ's love for me ... what would my list look like now? Everytime I hear this song I think, "Will a man ever say that about me?" That I would want.


Well you know it's not the first time
And it will not be the last
When You find me here on my knees
Praying for the storm to pass
But what I am really needing
Is much more than just relief
I am crying out for wisdom
Only You can give to me
Cause it's such a mystery
I'm a clueless man When it comes To knowing how to love a woman
How do I love her?
How do I let her know she means more than anything to me?
How do I love her?
Out of all the gifts You've given
Besides the very gift of life
There is none as precious to me
As the treasure of my wife
And still all the love in my heart
Is like a raindrop to the sea
When compared to Your love for her
And thats why I ask You please
Will You teach me what she needs
I'm a earnest man When it comes To learning how to love this woman
Well I know it's gonna to take a lifetime
To answer this prayer I pray
But that's okay Cause I've given You and her my lifetime anyway
Won't you tell me, tell me please

Stephen Curtis Chapman

Selfish & Parent - how can somone be both and live with themselves?

Beth,
I am sorry we are not able to work things out for this weekend. However,If you can pick up the kids and drop them off next weekend, I will give youmy weekend, and you can see the kids.
Let me know.
Susan

I received this email two days after the drunken phone call. I know what I would like to say but I know I will risk her not liking what I have to say and using the children to get back at me. Experience tells me that she not work with me again for them to see their little sister on events that are with my family. The children lose and that is not what I want. Her "presedence" is all about her, not what is nice or good for the kids. Am I just not looking at things realistically? 'Cause how I see this is as a mother being insecure and selfish and neither are good for the children. I feel bad for them, what they have been through and deal with. But I understand it is my perception that I view it with and I hope I am wrong.

Any advice on how to respond?

Kids Get in Your Heart Despite Their Parents

I have to remember that you can not expect a rational response from an irrational person. And certainly not when they are drunk.

This started by my asking Aaron if he had the kids for Easter. It falls on "his weekend". He would have to check with his X, their mom and see if he was going to be allowed them on that weekend. I said if he did have them, would he consider leaving Katie and Chris with me when he brought McKenna back on Saturday. They could be here, have Easter (you know color eggs, make baskets, Easter Bunny the whole deal) with us, go to church, then meet up with the rest of the family for a big egg hunt and ball game. I would then take them back to their mom. They live in Cary past Raleigh. I was surprised to hear from him days later that he did have the kids and I could take them on Easter. Great the Easter Bunny hopped into action, basket goodies etc. This will be fun.

Well, I got a familiar call from Aaron. He was not going to be taking the kids this weekend cause he was going to work. He could not pass it up it was Holiday pay. So I had to find someone to take care of McKenna on Good Friday cause the day care is closed and I was left to deal with his X on how to orchestrate the weekend.

She and I played phone tag most of Thursday afternoon. We finally talked at about 4:30 PM. Katie and Chris want to come to my house so all is go with the weekend. Well, until I said, great when is it convenient for us to meet half way on Saturday. She won't meet half way. She does not with Aaron and she will not set that kind or precedence with me. I can not carve 4 hours out of Saturday to go and get them and bring them back. My college roommate is coming in from VA. Alyssa has friends coming over to work on a project for school, we have lots to do. I was in the middle of setting up for the Maundy Thursday Passover Dinner for 300+ people at the church when I spoke to her and told her I would see what I could do. She said they were going to their church and Katie and Chris were taking their first communion. She had bought them a corsage and boutineer for it and it was going to be great. I was a bit distracted cause I was really swamped helping to get ready for the dinner. We hung up with them going to their church for the first communion, me getting ready for our dinner and trying to figure out what I could do to go get the kids on Saturday.

We got home from the Passover about 9:30. By 10:something I wrote her an email saying I was very sorry I just did not have a way to get the whole way to Cary and back. I was expecting for Aaron do bring them here blah blah blah. At 11:something I get a phone call. "You didn't call me back. I waited to hear from you and you didn't call me back. We didn't go to church for communion cause we were waiting to hear from you. This is not going to happen... And blah blah blah." She was DRUNK! In the blah blah blah was "this is weird, I am dealing with my husbands Exwife seeing my kids" (um... Isn't he her X-husband and Michael is the fiance of 4 years that she has yet to marry but they live together? And last the legal stuff said, I was Aaron's wife - but I did not split those hairs) Drunk! "Not setting a different precedence, you want to see my kids you come and get them, Katie has tears streaming down her face asking me Mom just this once meet her half way, NO! I will not alter my precedence" Blah Blah Blah! "Aaron's says he does not understand why you want them anyway, he says you resented the kids cause they already had a mother" (I never resented them cause they had a mother, I resented that their mother used the kids to cause problems for me and Aaron).... Blah Blah Blah... "He says you never wanted to be with them before but I have all this stuff at my house with their hand prints, crafts you made with them, things you did with them, but they don't need a lot of stuff, they just need you to spend time with them, be a mom. It is going to stop here. I will not change my precedence, you want to spend time with my kids, you come and get them." I calmly listened because you can not expect a rational response from an irrational person. And certainly not when they are drunk.

But they are kids. I know I will never be a huge part of their lives. I do not want to be their mom ,they have one. I am their step mom til our divorce is final butonly in title I suppose. But they are kids and you do not abandon kids. As long as they know I am here and that I care about/love them, then that is really all that matters. I have NO ulterior motive. Honestly and truthfully, it was just to offer Katie and Chris the opportunity to go on and egg hunt and to a ballgame. The same opportunity I offered my friends Lisa, Cathy, and Katherine and their kids. They are just kids and deserve better than what their parents are giving them. Well, it is not meant to be better, just something nice with people who care about them that they would enjoy. Despite their parents who have hurt my heart, it is not about me, it is purely just for them.

I am Fluffy not Fat!

And hopefully will be less and less fluffy! Working at it. Counting calories. Working out 3-4 times a week - more if I can get there. I drink anywhere from 64 - 116 onces of water a day and I keep a positive attitude! I feel really good. Life is GOOD! especially since I lost 8 lbs in the past 11 days. Hey Chet, I am gonna be as successful as you!

Watch me disappear in the next several months. I will keep the fluffy personality but not the fluffy figure!

If It Ain't One It's the Other

I can not seem to have a schedule that works without a husband, or X-husband wanting a change. X#1 sent an email about spring break. He forgot about the holiday and break and wants Alyssa to come be with him over Easter and not the week he usually has with her. He phrases the email, "I need you to be flexible". As if this does not happen, just as he wants, it will be my fault. Darn those old tapes in my head. "It is your fault Beth, it is your responsiblity to make it work out for everyone. You are the bad, selfish one of you do not comply." BUT I AM NOT! I AM NOT! I know this and I am believing it more and more but sometimes the "this is not how it is supposed to be" out weighs the "this is reality, deal with it best you can" and it, I don't want to say hurts but it does not feel OK. But it will. It will and the girls and I will continue to be better than OK.

X2B has been very quiet lately. Ever since the "Drain the well dry" email I have not heard anything from him. Distance, this is good, distance will help the healing. And I am healing. We all are. Life is good!

Draining the Well Dry

Well, I did it again. I tried to help someone who is not interested in "help" per se but more just getting what they want. See previous entries to get a better idea, "Cost of Love" and "Bagage Claim"In trying to help out with a payment someone would have to make if I did not help them, I in turn get told I am a liar and gold digger. I don't know judge for yourself ...

Beth,

I have no issue with filing MFJ and setting the dates as needed. My only issue is you taking over daycare. Having checked again with CSE,and remember, these are only guildlines, not the "real thing", my support payments would be well above and beyond what I currently pay for daycare. That being said, I would rather me maintaining daycare payments. You would still be able to take the tax break, so no change there. I've just seen to many moms out there driving new cars and living in bigger houses, all because of the increase the dads have to pay, and we then wind up living in squalor. I don't believe that you taking over payments is a means of distancing yourself, as that can'thappen as long as we have a child together. I do think, however, that it is a means to drain the well dry, and what good am I to the children if I can't afford to live at least decently??

Please re-think your decision.
Thanks,
A

My response:

Drain the well dry? You think my decision to take over day care is so that I can drain you of resources you are already tight on? Are you kidding me? What in the past 15 months or the past 5 years of us as a couple or even knowing me for the past 20 years would ever give you the idea that I am trying to get money out of you? Is it that I have helped you out when you lost your jobs and needed a place to stay? Was it that I never asked you to make more money and get a better job but instead told you do the job you like or go back to school if you want. Was it that I never pushed Steven for more money or took the money that Alyssa actually deserves that would give you a history of experience that shows you I am out for draining the well dry? Is it that I have met you half way or even helped out by bringing the kids to you? Paid the car insurance on time and did not fuss for the payment? Maybe it is that I am trying to help you out with the taxes so that you will not have to pay the IRS and forego child support that is owed to McKenna. I did these things and asked for nothing.

When? When have I ever asked you for money? When have I not tried to be understanding and generous? Of course you have no issue with filing taxes and readjusting the dates ... it bails you out again. And on that note, when have I ever held it over your head the times I have helped you? I already told you, I want nothing of you. I have been honest, patient and understanding. You broke my heart. Your decision has left yet one more little child to grow up with no full time Daddy and a broken promise that her parents would always be together and never do that to her. My best friend abandoned me and I told him I understand and have tried to be supportive in everyway I know how. I was genuinely truthful with you when I said it was an attempt to distance myself from you and move on to realistically take care of McKenna by myself and you in essence call me a liar. It is not me that wants more money, lies to you, cheats on you or belittles you ... it never has been and never will be. You are McKenna's father. My best friend and husband died standing on our deck holding papers saying he was being sued by the actual woman who did demand money, lie, cheat and belittle him and I am NOT her! Never have been. NEVER will be. Contrary to what you think women do with child support, I personally KNOW that it is NOT for ME ... it is for MCKENNA!

Buy a new car .... get a bigger house .... drain the well dry? Just spit in my face Aaron. You have either forgotten or chose to be clouded but you do not know me at all. You have no money but it sure has you so tight you can not even see good things in front of you. But you will spit in their face.

Beth

Just to let you know I have received no response to this but our accountant received his information to file our taxes.

Stolen Words

I stole these words from a couple whose relationship I admire greatly. I really hope you do not mind. In light of everything with Aaron, our common ground will always be McKenna. Thank you Andy for reminding me what is really important.

I think a sign of maturity is realizing that no one will ever agree with you 100% of the time, nor can you be expected to agree with family and friends 100%.The thing to learn is that you dont cut off family and friends 100% because you dont always see eye to eye.You just 'agree to dissagree' and come together where you do agree. Enjoy the other person where you do have common ground and dont bring up the stuff where you know you will disagree.So may people think a relationship has to be all or nothing. Thats such a shame and we all miss out on a lot of good times and a lot of love.When you demand 'all or nothing' in a relationship you will probably be left with 'nothing'And thats so very sad for all concerned. --Andy W.

Hey Mr & Mrs Andy W -- I love you!