Baggage Claim

OK I have had it. I am left holding the freakin bag all the time. I get to be the one to raise the children on my own, I get to answer their questions when they ask why, I have to figure out how these bills get paid, I have to figure out who gets to go where and how I can get them there - forget that maybe I would like to be able to do something like go work out for an hour a few times a week but I have to make sure the kids are cared for, the bills are paid, the house is taken care of, the laundry done, and the list goes on and on and I am expected to do it by mmyself with no grumblings what so ever. Now he asks about filing taxes. Well, hell! I get left holding that bag too. I can not file Head Of Household cause he will file Married Filing Separate so I have to file that way. I am screwed if I file MFS because I make a lousy $3K more than what will allow me deductions to help out. Morally we can not file Married Filing Jointly cause we did not live 6 months of the year together and 50% of either of our incomes did not go to help the "household". But even if we did, his having to pay thousands of dollars is going to screw me too. I DID NOT ASK FOR ANY OF THIS!!!! I promised to love, honor, cherish, sickness and in health, richer for poorer yada yada yada and I DID!!! I have done this. No matter what I do I get screwed anyway!!!

The Cost of Love

Last week I went to church on our anniversary to talk with a friend about how I was feeling. I have been juggling many many balls, trying to keep all of them in the air and worried about dropping any of them but exhausted keeping them all going on my own. The finance ball seems to be the heaviest and the most difficult to keep going. I am hating to see the envelopes come from the bank where checks did not go through, and stuff is cut off because of it and I have to pay extra to get it all back on line when I am pinching the pennies to make it work in the first place which is why it is tough when checks and stuff do not fall the time Iplan for them to. Anyway, Mark and I sat for close to 2 hours talking. "You need to process Beth. You have spent the past year separated but trying to make sure everyone else is OK, is comfortable around you, it taken care of that you have not taken care of yourself and gone through the process. You need to process."
HOW? What are the steps to process?

Yesterday my question was answered. While in class, we were discussing crisis in families and the Life Strategy to work through it. Actual steps to take. Some I have already been doing but others I need to allow myself to do without feeling like I am being selfish. Gotta get rid of THAT old tape. YEA!!! Another step forward toward healing. Feeling good about this. On the right track. Thank you God for bringing this to me.

BUT...
There it is, infamous and dreaded but

When I left class and got to the car, there was a message on the phone. Aaron called to find out how I filed my taxes this year. To make a long story, that I have already told enough and do not need to dwell on, short ... he will end up having to pay several thousand dollars if he files single. He wants me to consider us filing as married filing jointly so he will get the dependent benefits.

The tapes in my head that say, "if you are able to help someone you should, don't be the selfish person some people have accused you of being." IF I run the numbers for me and find out what I should get back and then run them again together and will get as much or more, why not? I could use the money.

BUT
Dang, there it is again...

These are my questions:
If I do this, how does that effect my going to CSS and filing for child support that by law will be retroactive back to Janaury 15th , 2005 when he left?
If I do this, does it effect us filing for divorce?
He has chosen to live his life alone, if I do this and bail him out again, how is he living his life alone with the decision that he has made and painfully put us all through?
He has looked right at me and said, "I don't want you" along with several other (to use the counselors words) harsh things to distance himself from me, our marriage and family but now how is this following through with his choices?
Am I really helping him?

Stop the tapes, stop the balls ... I never wanted this in the first place.

Look Backwards or Look Forward

Well, if you know me like I hope you do, you know what I am going to choose.

I started to let today go by without a word. March 15th, The Ides of March. I should have known better than to marry on the Ides of March. If you asked me would I do it again? Would I have married Aaron three years ago today knowing what I know now? Call me an idiot or as he does, crazy, but yes, I would have. I was never so sure of anything as the day I married him. I had never wanted to see anyone so much as I did him when I saw him standing with our friends and family waiting for me. I was marrying my best friend. I believed that and I believe it today on our third anniversary. I just did not know at the time that lay offs, a bankruptcy, his ex-spouse sueing him and money matters was going to kill my best friend and leave a broken stranger in its wake. I was nieve enough to think that if we stood by each other we could get through anything. This to shall pass, it will not always be this way. I knew I would stand by him always, always. I just did not know he would not stand by him or us. He could not even stand byhimself on his own, hence his term of being "broken".

We finished our mediated parenting agreement yesterday ... happy anniversary to us. He said he will get it notarized and when it is signed he will file for a divorce. I thought about that today and what today means to me now. My husband died on our deck one afternoon when he was served with papers from his ex. It was the last straw. My husband died. My best friend died. And someone just trying to survive took his place. Survive like he did as a child, look the other way, hide from the bad, blame others and selfishly look out for himself cause he thought noone else would. His father had taught him well. I want to be married. I want a "traditional" family. I want a best friend to share my life with. I did not want to fail again. I did not want another of my children's fathers to be a selfish child hanging on to grudges of days past. They deserve better. I do not want the Aaron that is left.

So how do I feel about today? Do not let the pain of yesterday determine your tomorrow. I am ok. I know I will be OK! The girls will be OK! I am afraid the he will not be. But if living your life, one day at a time, seeing your kids when you can afford to is being ok, then he strives to be OK.

Do not let the pain of yesterday determine your tomorrow. It is a new beginning. This too shall pass.

It's A Powerful Prayer

NAME IT and CLAIM IT, BELIEVE IT AND RECEIVE IT!!!!!!

Prayer by Bishop T.D. Jakes

"When you are DOWN to nothing ... God is UP to something"

Father, in the Name of Jesus, bless me even while I'm readingthis prayer and bless the one that sent this to me in a special way.
Open supernatural doors in our lives today.
Save and set free!
Give us a double portion of your Spirit as we take back everything that the devil has stolen: Emotional Health
Physical Health
Finances
Relationships
Children
Jobs
Homes
Marriages

I cancel every plot, plan and scheme the enemy has devised against us in the MATCHLESS NAME OF JESUS. And I declare: NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST US WILL PROSPER.

I speak LIFE into every dead situation. And, I thank you that nothing is over until YOU say it's over!

I speak prophetically into our lives and to our situations:
Our households are blessed;
Our health is blessed;
Our marriages are blessed;
Our finances are blessed;
Our businesses are blessed,
Our jobs are blessed;
Our children are blessed;
Our grandchildren are blessed;
Our parents are blessed;
Our siblings are blessed;
Our ministries are blessed; and,
Our decisions are blessed.

Husbands are on the way; Wives are on the way; Mortgages are paid and debts cancelled; Our hearts' desires are on the way; According to YOUR perfect will and plan for our lives.
YOU SAID YOU'LL NEVER FORSAKE US!

IN JESUS' NAME! AMEN!

Great Beginnings!

I was at McKenna's daycare and her teacher told me about a conversation that she over heard McKenna having at lunch yesterday. She said the McKenna was talking to Wesley and Said, "Wesley, would you like to go to church with me? Would you like to go to my church and see Jesus?" and Wesley said yes he would go to church with McKenna. Then McKenna turned to her little friend Claire and said, "Claire, would you like to go to church with me? Would you like to go to my church?" Claire told her no, that she goes to her own church and McKenna told her that that was good. 2 years old! 2 years old!!! It is so wonderful. McKenna loves going to church. She asked me last night if we could go to church. I am so hoping this is a great beginnings.

Did You Hear What You Said?

I often wonder if people actually listen to themselves when they are talking. I mean I know that many people do not listen to someone who is talking to them. They are often too busy in their own head thinking about what they will say next to listen to what is being said to them. But I am wondering, do people ever really listen to what their own mouth is truly saying?

I ask this cause just resently I heard some comments that were made and I found them to be pretty telling.

Out of the mouths of husbands.
I had some people at my house recently. When it was over, a couple that was there with their children were leaving. They had two young children with them. The husband asked if one of the children was still in the house. His wife aswered him, "I think so", He responded to her in front of me and others, "You better know so". If was degrating. Why would a toad of a comment come out directed at someone who is your partner in life? To what good would treating anyone like that be and what does that teach the children?

Out of the mouths of babes.
The same night, I over heard a 4 year old child ask her mother where my husband was. Her mother responded that I did not have one. The child's response was, "So McKenna does not have a Daddy?" Her mother told her yes, but that he lives in another town and McKenna visits him. The child then said, "That's not a Daddy. Real Daddy's would live wherever their kids are."

Sometimes I think I would choose to listen to what a child says. More pearls than frogs come out of their mouths.