Screaming at the White Elephants

I know I keep talking about the white elephants that are in the room that no one will talk about. There are characters to this scene - one white elephant scene - which are :
Me
David - my oldest brother who has always been the male figure in my life, built me my first bike, was there to see me off to the prom, walked me down the isle, the one man I always new I could count on.
Aaron - friend since I was 17, my Knight In Shining Armor, now estranged husband, father of McKenna, best friends with David

When Aaron left he went to live with David. Lived there a month much to David's twin brother's dismay and mine. When Aaron moved out, it was David that helped him load the moving van and walked things out of his sisters home, his nieces home as her daddy left before she could even walk despite the email response I gave when he asked if I was alright with it (you can only imagine my answer ...) It has been David that Aaron spends his weekends with, holidays when he does or does not have the kids. Between me and David we have enabled Aaron to abandon his family and marriage with little discomfort.

At Thanksgiving this year, David told me he begged Aaron not to marry me, he begged him 3 times. Why? Am I not good enough for him? Was it not ok for us to find love in each other, did it take too much away from the bachelor, drinking buddy, women bashing life? David hated Aaron's first wife, guess it was hard to hate his second.

This Christmas I was asked the question where my dust pan was, when I answered I did not have one anymore, the answer was probed with a why? I said, "Aaron took it." No accusation, just truth, but I was met with a disdainful growl of. "Aaron did not take the dust pan." Not that it really matters but, yea, he did. He took everything he brought with him to our house from his apartment, it was his. It was not the dustpan that mattered, it was that I was put on the defense with my own brother, in my own house, when I am not the one who abandoned a marriage and children. I am NOT and NEVER will ask David to chose ... but once, just once, I would like my big brother to stand up for me. To realize that this is not ok and that it has hurt people who did not deserve it. I did not just fall down and scrape my knee while riding the bike he made me .... my husband left me and took my brother with him. I think just as Aaron is entitled to take the dustpan, I am entitled to feel hurt.

This song reminds me of that big white elephant that is sitting between me and my brother but we are not allowed to talk about it, look at it, acknowledge its existence... I miss my big brother, as I said he was the male figure in my life that I could trust ... In no way do I feel no responsibility to what has happened, I have taken painful, long looks at myself I am not "clean" as I am a player in this too but I ask forgiveness if David feels I have let him down or hurt him ...

I have found a new male in my life to trust. God is now the father of my family and the husband of my heart ... but I still miss my brother.

Zoegirl
Scream

Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me,
I need release
Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?

Has anybody seen what's been done?
Where was my defense?
No one heard my protest
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released
So I can breathe again
I'm on my knees
I've been marked, set apart
But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark
One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand
Is enough to heal me and make me stand

'Cause I'm clean,
HE is listening to me
I don't have to scream for HIM to hear me
Don't have to bleed for HIM to see me
'Cause I'm clean,
HE is listening to me I don't have to scream
I don't have to bleed 'Cause I'm clean,
HE is listening And I don't have to scream

Another sad thing about this is, if my brother read this he would be mad about it as if I were attacking him, I am not, he is a good man and stuck in a hard place I imagine. He did not do anything "on purpose" but the fact is it has hurt me, he has hurt me. Like a white elephant sat on my heart and he does not see it.

And the Pajamas came off!

Enough of the sitting around contemplating what is, was or could have been.... Time for the pajamas to come off and the day to begin. It also helped that I had somewhere I had to be today and shirt and shoes were required.

I am a Guardian ad Litem, GAL, court appointed advocate for abused and neglected children and I had to do a home visit for a child that was being moved from a group home to a foster home today. What a wonderful situation this change is going to be for her. I know she can not see it and just wants what she has always known (going to what she considers "home") but this situation will be so wonderful for her. I should take my own advise!

I also went and registered for two classes today, paid the tuition and got ready to move on in 2006. It will be a good situation for me too. Change is something I am used to. Being single is not what I am used to or wanted to be, but what a wonderful situation this change is going to be for me! Going to school is something I am used to and love doing. It felt so good and so right being on campus today getting things set. I get to go back and meet with financail aid tomorrow. Hey, another reason to get out of the pajamas.

And as I sit here, tonight, writing with my little girl curled up beside me, periodically putting lip gloss on me, I know I have the better part of life in my heart and my house. Especially when having Strawberry cupcake Lipsmacker applied by such a joy of a child!

Enjoy the PJ Days but make life interactive and productive when the Pajamas come off! It will be a wonderful situation that change can bring!

Shadows of myself

I have spent the last two days in my pajamas with the TV on and playing with my 2 year old. THAT has been the good part of the day. The not so good part is that I have hardly cleaned up from the "festivities" of Christmas. My goal before going back to school on the 2nd is to clean out my closet and the tool closet. Well, I still have some time but if you give me 5 minutes, I will procrastinate 3 and then get it finished in a flurry. My Mom came by yesterday and we were in our PJs and she came by again this afternoon and we were still in our PJs. Well, she came back tonight and what she wanted to tell me was that she had spent her life not having anyone (she was an only child raised by a great aunt). This year of my and Aaron's separation has been hard for her to watch me go through because it is like history repeating itself. My dad at 40 decided after 17 years of marriage that he needed to "find himself" Midlife Crisis? Aaron at 39 has decided he is "broken and needs to fix himself" History repeating? Anyway, my mom came by to tell me that I do have someone. We ended up having a long conversation and I said a lot of things I should have said before Aaron left, since he left and told her about the white elephants that are plaguing me and my brother's relationship. She had helpful things to say and I just needed to get it out. I am such and extrovert, I generally do not know how to deal with my thoughts until I can get them out and then move them around but sometimes that is not so good when "getting it out" talking to someone else - once the words are out and heard the damage can be done. I wonder sometimes if these are the shadows of me - my parents divorce, my impending divorce, Pajamas all day in a messy house. OK enough with hiding in the shadows, time to get ready for the new year. Put this one behind. January 15th will be a year that he left and the required year will be over and time to move on. Out of the shadows ...

Tears of Sleep

Christmas was exhausting. There were so many good things to tell you about and I will ... more to come but I needed to say this.

Christmas was full of family and white elephants. I will tell you about them too. Christmas Eve was spent braving the stores for the last minute buys, frantic wrapping and church. Church is a place of peace for me although I rarely get through a service without tears. don't they say that tears are God's way of helping to cleanse your soul? Anyway, we had dinner out with Mom, sister and niece. Did the traditional Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol with George C Scott (My favorite). I read my little one Twas The Night before Christmas when there was a knock at the door but no one was there ...freaked my sister out ... check out the Mystery Elf entry. Santa delivered the high tech tricycle with some assembly required and my head hit the pillow about 1 AM or so. Alyssa (the teenager) woke us up in the morning. McKenna (2) was not awake yet but thanks to her Sissy she was about to get her first real intro do Santa and gifts. Of course the high tech tricycle was the first to be seen and immediately she climbed up on it and declared it 'Kenna's car! Church again at 11 and then to Mom's for lunch. My brother and sister-in-law were there (yes, the one who months ago told me I was manipulative, selfish and not trustworthy so the 22 year friendship we have had is not worth her effort - if you ask me why I could not tell you I was told via email that she had her reasons but not something she was willing to write as she was afraid it would be shared with others ... If you have insight to it let me know). We hurried from Mom's back to my house as my dad and step mom were to be there to see my girls before they had to leave with their prospective parents ... Ah the casualties of divorce and separation. Aaron came and got McKenna and all the gifts I had for him, Katie and Chris (my step kids/McKenna's half siblings) and their parents Sue (Aaron's 1st wife) and Michael (their step dad if they ever go ahead and get married). Yes, I had gifts for them all. Like I said previously doing for others is second nature. After they left, my brother David, his girlfriend and my niece all came. Then the brother and estranged sister-in-law, everyone came to my house including the white elephants. Alyssa then left with her father after he made a few curt comments and I stood there in the driveway with a house full of family but MY family was gone.

The house sortof emptied out or all inhabitants went to bed about 2 AM or so. I went to bed with none of my children in my home and I was tired. I woke the next morning listening to by brother leave. But it was not their noise that woke me, it was a wet feeling on my face. I had been crying, asleep but crying. It was the first time in a while that I have really felt alone. But on cue, as if God where reminding me I was never alone, my daughter's cat breathed softly next to me, snuggled on the pillow next to me, looking at me with safire blue eyes reminding me I am not alone and that I am loved.

Changes

Life is full of changes. I know that, I understand change moves us forward and I handle change pretty well. But life has been so full of changes since this millennium started that I think I have had enough of changes that are made for me that I just have to handle. People ask me why I like giraffes so much. I tell them it is because I used to work at a zoo and to escape from the administration headaches of my job I would find solstice down at the giraffe house with the newest of the herd, "Angel". Which is true but I also relate to them. They seem such adaptable creatures and awkwardly graceful. I have had to adapt so much of my life that doing for others is second nature but doing for me seems so selfish. Adapting to relationships (three since 2000), places to live (2 states 4 places since 2001) new jobs (4 since 2000). Maybe I will talk about the relationships, hence the disappearances in the title .... Intrigued? I was. Does intrigue always bring heartache?
Gracefully awkward could describe me. I mean I am not ugly, I will never be on the cover of Glamour either but not hard on the eyes or at least in my day I wasn't. But I have never felt comfortable in my own skin. Pretty tough when you have to be in your skin 24/7. Physically I am not happy with my skin these days. I have had two children and the skin does not fit like I want it to. I have joined Weight Watchers to support a friend but not sure I am doing very well. But then again, I am hard on myself and have little patience with me. Interesting that the doing for others is second nature for me and that I am very tolerant of others but not so much of me.
I am a good person, loving, caring, accomplished, educated ... adaptable. I should revel in the things I have been able to do in my short more than 30+ years of my life but for some reason it does not seem enough and I can tie myself in knots about it. But then again... life is continuously full of changes. Maybe in the next 30+ years of my life that to will change!