Oh, How a Year+ Can Change Things

Over a year ago, I drove to Rocky Mount to meet with Aaron for the first time after he left us. I was a basket case. I cried going up. I cried while I was there. He was so angry. I was full of fear. I cried coming home. And the separation and divorce started, anger, tears, fear, uncertainty and everything else that comes with it.

In that year + I have worked hard to face my short comings, take responsibility for only the things that are really my responsibility, let go of negativity like doubt, feeling entitled, depression, taking things personally, anything that is just a waste of time and energy that negativity drains you of. I have told people that the best thing I ever did was go to church the next day after he left and it was. If you have read other entries in my blog, you find where I reference that God is the father of my family and the husband in my heart. I still believe in love and marriage, actually more now than I did before. And I believe that He will bring the right person into my life when He feels I am ready, healed and it is time. I picked the last two for me, married for reasons of convenience, compatibility and then for love and passion. But it was ME who tried to be in charge of that and look where I got me. Next time, I will leave it in His hands.

I went to Rocky Mount again today to meet with Aaron about the divorce. I got my ducks in a row, went with papers in hand to look at. I felt no fear. I was not convincing myself along the way that I could do this. Although, I did call a friend of mine looking for encouragement and support but instead recognized what a one-sided friendship it is. You know the saying you get what you give ... not always. It surprised me and I think that hurt more than the going to Rocky Mount did. But now I can say, "not my responsibility" and I also remember Connie's entry on giving people the benefit of the doubt, trying to remember who they and not focusing on just what they said, or in this case did not listen to. It is easy to get wrapped up in what is happening in your life and forget to see a pretty tree in the dark forest. But, I did not intend to write about that. I wanted to say what a difference a year has made and what a difference the Lord has made. We went over the paperwork, Aaron and I, we talked about how I got to the numbers, what the man at CSE said, overnights, changes in custody, taxes, etc. There was not anger, defense, or fear. He did apologize for lashing out at me and specifically about the "Drain the well dry" comment. It was like talking to my best friend again but not falling back into the old bad habits. I said things to him and there was a calmness between us. A fly on the wall would have been confused and wonder why are these two ending a relationship? Well, Aaron and I say, "We have always had bad timing" when it comes to "us".