Maybe Third Times the Charm?

It is an old cliche saying, "Third Times the Charm" and I am hoping it will ring true but I am not looking. The first time I married was for commonality and it was time. I graduated from college, worked for a year or two and the next step was marriage. The second time I married was for passion, chemistry, and pain. I chose to live in those situations. I chose those people. What the relationships have in common, other then both ending in divorce, is that I chose and that neither was bound by God. Yes, we got married by ministers in a religious ceremony but neither were supported by faith, grounded in belief, or lived in the word. I have a healthier outlook on relationships and marriage now. I respect the vows that are said, the need for acceptance, patience, communication etc. And with that, I know that I should put this choice in God's hands. He is the father of my family and the husband of my heart now and one day when I am ready, He will choose for me. I know i have said this before. But I was searching for something online today, to send to a friend of mine that I have not heard from in a couple of days and ran into this poem. He is reminding me to be patient, wait, heal and know that He knows what is best for me. I just have to believe.

...Then a soft voice was heard
from all around herand inside her...
"My, child. When you thought it was a man you needed
I let you choose a man.
But he took your gift, and put it on a shelf
To wither
To die.
When you thought it was a lover you needed
You chose a lover
Who simply used your gift as a stepping stool
to reach over the walls in his life which he despised.
No, it is not a man you need,
for a man cannot understand your heart.
And it is not a lover you need.
A lover is like a firefly,
lighting your life for a moment,
then leaving you to deal with the darkness
Until it flashes again.
So I have taken it into my own hands
and shown you what you truly need.
He is not just a man, though a man he is.
He is not just a lover, though a lover he is.
He is the man I have given you forever..
He is your soulmate"
Rich Reith

Eerie isn't it sometimes how words of others match our life? Gee Connie didn't you just find yourself in a book you were reading? *silly grins* But actually, marriage #1 I became a possession. Marriage #2 well if you know me or have read any of this blog, you know how that one went. But Life is Good now and I know it will continue to be with grace and mercy.

Oh, How a Year+ Can Change Things

Over a year ago, I drove to Rocky Mount to meet with Aaron for the first time after he left us. I was a basket case. I cried going up. I cried while I was there. He was so angry. I was full of fear. I cried coming home. And the separation and divorce started, anger, tears, fear, uncertainty and everything else that comes with it.

In that year + I have worked hard to face my short comings, take responsibility for only the things that are really my responsibility, let go of negativity like doubt, feeling entitled, depression, taking things personally, anything that is just a waste of time and energy that negativity drains you of. I have told people that the best thing I ever did was go to church the next day after he left and it was. If you have read other entries in my blog, you find where I reference that God is the father of my family and the husband in my heart. I still believe in love and marriage, actually more now than I did before. And I believe that He will bring the right person into my life when He feels I am ready, healed and it is time. I picked the last two for me, married for reasons of convenience, compatibility and then for love and passion. But it was ME who tried to be in charge of that and look where I got me. Next time, I will leave it in His hands.

I went to Rocky Mount again today to meet with Aaron about the divorce. I got my ducks in a row, went with papers in hand to look at. I felt no fear. I was not convincing myself along the way that I could do this. Although, I did call a friend of mine looking for encouragement and support but instead recognized what a one-sided friendship it is. You know the saying you get what you give ... not always. It surprised me and I think that hurt more than the going to Rocky Mount did. But now I can say, "not my responsibility" and I also remember Connie's entry on giving people the benefit of the doubt, trying to remember who they and not focusing on just what they said, or in this case did not listen to. It is easy to get wrapped up in what is happening in your life and forget to see a pretty tree in the dark forest. But, I did not intend to write about that. I wanted to say what a difference a year has made and what a difference the Lord has made. We went over the paperwork, Aaron and I, we talked about how I got to the numbers, what the man at CSE said, overnights, changes in custody, taxes, etc. There was not anger, defense, or fear. He did apologize for lashing out at me and specifically about the "Drain the well dry" comment. It was like talking to my best friend again but not falling back into the old bad habits. I said things to him and there was a calmness between us. A fly on the wall would have been confused and wonder why are these two ending a relationship? Well, Aaron and I say, "We have always had bad timing" when it comes to "us".

The Search for Someone

I had a friend of mine say to me tonight that we are all in search of someone. Someone to complete us, fill a void, make changes in our lives, etc. And when we meet that someone and maybe marry them, we lose a little of ourselves as an individual but with that comes benefits of unity. Then the kids come along and we lose a little more of ourselves, jobs, finances, changes, life ... and we continue to lose a little more of ourselves and it seems we are always looking to find what has been lost.

I said I understood how people could think that way but to me, that is a bunch of crap. We do not lose ourselves, we make choices that change our lives. We chose to get married, we chose to bring children into our lives, we chose jobs ... we do not lose ourselves in the process, it is who we become. We made the choices for change, now accept what change has brought you. Enough of this junk of leaving marriages and families in ruin because you have to "go find yourself" or "feel broken and need to fix yourself". It is change that happens from a choice we made. Accept it, take responsibility and live it!

I also think that if we are constantly searching for someone to complete us, complement us, fill a void ... than we will constantly be disappointed in our search. There is only one that will complete us, complement us and fill any void. The same one that will heal the broken heart, shine light in your darkest hour, provide a change in your life that is better than any love or marriage you could imagine. The only one who will not disappoint. But only if you believe.


Nothing is more practical than finding God,
that is, falling in love in a quite absolute,final way.
What you are in with, what seizes
your imagination, will affect everything.
It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you will do with your evenings,
how you will spend your weekends, what you read,
who you know, what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in love. Stay in love. And it will decide
everything.

Pedro Arrupe, sj

Another Milestone at Our House!

While I have one date training as I told you about previously, I have the other daughter potty training. And today she went on the potty!!!!! Yes, we have been sitting, doing nothing for months but today... as she puts it .... I pee! Small steps, big accomplishments!!!! She went into the bathroom and came out telling me she had peed and some come look. So of course I did and we ooh'd and ahh'd and hugged and high fived and hugged some more and then we ran to tell Sissy. She said, "Sissy I pee. Come see" Well, you can imagine how the 14 year old was not really into it but did tell her how proud she was and how great it was, just did not want to come see. I love my girls!

Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?

Ok, I need your advice and prayers. I have a friend whose father is in the hospital with pneumonia and anemia (2 blood transfusions) and while there, he was diagnosed with cancer. This on top of dealing with a marriage that is ending after 25+ years due to infidelity of two years +. Yes, these things need prayers but what I believe needs more prayers is the admission to a crumbling faith. The very normal questions of "Why God?" that are being asked and weakening the faith.

Why do bad things happen to good people? What is there to say, to support, to comfort and to help this friend in need?

Life's Wrinkles

As Dolly Parton said in Steele Magnolias, "Time marches on and sooner or later you realize it is marchin' across your face." Well, I do not have a face full of wrinkles to match the worries, laughter or fear I have had in life but it does move on in ways that take us to new heights, adventures and yes, wrinkles.

I have an appointment with Child Support Enforcement tomorrow. I am taking the steps to wrap up loose ends and close the door. The car and insurance are taken care of. The parenting agreement was completed back in March and he was supposed to have it noterized and signed but I have not see it since then. We will get the 2005 taxes done with one last effort on my sisters part to help us both. And I have called him to ask for us to meet Thursday to go over paperwork, loose ends and plan out filing for divorce. This is what he has wanted for over 16 months. As Rafikki says, "It is time." What is with the movie references? Don't ask. It is just a wrinkle.

My oldest daughter was asked out on her first date the other night. She was asked to go to the 8th grade prom. It is a big deal in our house and just the start of MANY MANY wrinkles. I am concerned about doing this as a single mom. So much so that I even wrote her dad to ask his thoughts on her dating, curfews, etc. Even told him I thought it would be a good idea for him to be here when she starts actually going out with boys. You know to have the Dad represented, intimidate ... Yes, I know, my asking for him to actually do something with me as a parent, step foot in my house, or be cordial enough with me to consider my suggestion, well, it is like asking the wind to stop blowing in March. Small steps to get there. He still calls her from the car at the street when he is here to pick her up. Been in this house 5 years and he has never stepped foot in it. Just a wrinkle.

Life moves on and right over my face but leaves many smiles!

Hhhhmmmmm.... and off I went again: the trip continues!

OK so we left off with me at the student health center inquiring about why I had been dropped from a course that I had been to every class, done every assignment and taken every test - well, except for the exam I missed. So I found the immunization lady. Yes, I was tagged by Student Health Services (SHS) because of missing immunization records. I told her I had gotten the tetanus. OK, she looked and yes, found that it my record. Fixed. Nope. She looked and found that they were missing a chicken pox and 1 MMR record. They did not give chicken pox vaccines in the late 60's. I have a scar to show I had the chicken pox and if I have 1 MMR I know I have had the other. They come in pairs. I told her that I had been at ECU off and on since 1987 graduating with an undergrad in '89, Middle grades certification in '91, Masters in '95, AG certification in '03 and now working on the MFT. She said that this was the first on campus course I had taken since 2000 when they changed over the computer system - oohhhh, now we are getting somewhere. Part of my records were lost? No answer. So, I had two choices, I could either 1. get another MMR and take my exam at 5:30 or 2. try to find the immunization records and hopefully do that before 5:30. I opted for the first one. Another shot it is. Needle, stick, sting, done. No biggy. But wait! It gets better! I went to pay at the check out. $46.00 - wow I said, "why is the MMR so much more expensive than the tetanus?" "well, I suppose it is twice as much" was the woman's reply. um ... nope, I paid $8 for the tetanus. She told me that no that was a skin test. No that was a tetanus (I had the sore arm for days to prove it). She said that a tetanus was $23 and the skin test was $8. I repeated that I paid $8. She looked it up in the handy dandy computer. Sure 'nuff! They mischarge me $8 and tagged my records that I owe a balance of $15. So even if I could take my exam, I can not get my grades or sign up for another class cause I am tagged! I asked if I could go ahead an pay the balance. She said, "Not here. You are going to have to go to the cashier's office". I bet you will never guess where that it. Across campus .... Hhhhhmmmm so is it off I go to the cashiers office? Hhhhmmmmm.... nope, off I got the Wendy's to get a Frosty (the cup does say "do something nice for yourself"). I sat, regrouped, looked over my notes and went to take my exam. They made the mistake, the balance can wait .... so when I need to register again .... Hhhhhmmmmm ... off I will go.

It'll Drive You Crazy - another update!

I got an email today. He has his own car insurance. I can now take the other car off my insurance. He thanked me for helping him out with the insurance.

I have to be honest with you. I had mixed feelings about it. I know untangling myself is a good thing, distance is a good thing. healing is a good thing. But it felt like I was not needed anymore and ... well you know how that can feel. A few more things and I can close the door ... this will be a good thing, right? a healing thing.

Hhhmmmmm ... So, Off I Went

Well, as a working single mom, everything takes planning and arrangements. If I want or need to do something I have to make sure the girls are taken care of and that responsibilities at work are too. My mom was taking care of my girls for me and I arranged to leave school as soon as my students left so that I could go and take my final exam for one of the classes I am taking this semester. Kids got on the bus, Mom was picking up girls, I was ready to teaching the next day so I headed to campus. Got there, bought the blue bubble sheet and a drink so I could have quarters to put in the meter and headed for the classroom. My professor knew I would be late due to teaching and OK'd me coming in a little late. Well, when I got the the classroom, I walked in and did not recognize a soul. Not a single person in there had a familiar face. It is like every college student's nightmare. The professor that was there giving the exam asked if she could help me. I knew that was not my teacher. My teacher is a man and she was not a man. I told her I was there to take my exam. She said their exam was slated for 2-4. Yes, mine too. She suggested that it was in another room. That was our classroom. ... Hhhhmmmmm ... She asked who I was looking for. I gave her my professor's name. She said "well, he is not here today. He was here yesterday." ... Hhhhmmmmm ... Bewildered I walked out of the building to the car, got in, gave my space to a lady that was looking for parking (yes gave her the space and the 57 minutes still on the meter and off I went, drove straight to the professors office. The lady in the office said he was not there, he was home with Bronchitis. She got him on the phone. I told him what I had just done. He chuckled and said, "Well, Yes Beth, I knew you were going to be late but not this late."

Yes, you guessed it.... every students' nightmare .... my exam was Monday, not today, yesterday. Never, never in all my life, never in the many years that I have been going to school, never in the various degrees, certifications and licenses that I have logged semester hours for ... never have I ever missed and exam.

"I was embarrassed and shocked but not as shocked as I was when I heard him say, "We have a bigger problem than you missing the exam". He had not grade sheet for me. He had no record of my enrollment in the course. I had been there every day for the entire semester. Did not miss a single class. But I did not exist in the class either. He said for me to go check with the registrars office and find out why I was not listed and what he needed to do if anything to let them know I had been there and completed the requirements for the course. So, off I went, across campus where I had to buy yet another drink to get quarters for the meter. Went in one office, they directed me to another office, who directed me back to the first office I was previously in. There I was told that I had withdrawn from the course .... Hhhhmmmmm .... um, nope, no, don't think so, no recollection of withdrawing, been there everyday ... Seems that the Student Health Services has me tagged. What for? Immunization. Oh yes, I know what that is, they had no record of an updated tetanus shot, but I got one and took care of it. Where did I get one? At the Student Health Services. Walk across campus and see the woman in charge of immunization records, OK. So, off I went.

But the saga continues .... Hhhhmmmmm ... but off you go, I will give you part two later. :)